Mega mum guilt over FT work

[Anonymouseky]

I separated from my husband earlier this year and have recently been offered a full time job which could be a great opportunity for me professionally. It means the kids will be in nursery/ wrap around childcare from 8- 6 every day and they’ve just turned 3 and 5.

I’m starting to feel really guilty and worried about this. I’m worried they’re going to be really tired as I’ll literally pick them up, feed them and put them to bed. That makes me so sad. I will literally be living for the weekend.

Unfortunately there’s no chance of doing the job part time and needs must, so it’s not like I really have much choice. I guess I just need to hear stories from people who have had to do this and it’s all worked out well

OP, just wanted you to know you are not alone in this. I'm going back to work soon FT to a similar schedule with some out of hours shifts on top. I don't have any advice, but I do have solidarity. We can do it.

Thank you ☺️ I fluctuate between being really excited about the job and worried sick about the effect on the kids. I hope it all goes well for us both!

I fully understand your guilt and it is the most horrendous feeling. I have always worked full time. My kids are now 9, 8 & 5 and I can promise you as soon as they all were in school it was a game changer, life got so much easier and the guilt eased. You must remember when you drop them off at childcare they are going to be so well looked after and they will be happy. You are doing it for both you and them, you will be able to afford the nice little things and you will make beautiful memories at the weekends and time off. Nothing is permanent in life so if after a while you are not happy you can change it.

Be excited and very proud of yourself.

Look forward to those weekends and the money to enjoy them!

Could a nanny be cheaper? Then they'd get one to one with somebody.

I’ve done it with one kid for years now, and half of them as a single parent. It’s fine, she’s fine, I’m fine. It is what it is. At least I can afford things like holidays and fun weekends and takeaways (for myself to make life easier), and as a single/lone parent that lack of money stress really is valuable.

Do the job. It will increase your pension contributions and increase your long term employability and prospects. The kids will be fine and it will be hard while they are young but they will see a hard working mum providing for her family and affording a uni education for them. It will be hard and the guilt will still be there. But it's better than getting resentful when eventually the kids short term memories forget that during their primary years you were there for them. Research actually shows that kids need their parents more during their teenage years. Find a good childminder who will build a bond with them, they will learn from the older kids in a home environment which is better and healthier than just being constantly surrounded by kids just their own age. Do the job. If it doesn't work out you can go back to what you did before but at least you won't have regrets for trying! Good luck and congrats 🥳

Just ask yourself if your ex DH is having these thoughts?

That said - if you can afford a nanny then that gives the kids the chance to do some after school clubs, homework and be fed etc by the time you get home and then you get to do stories, bed and bath and spend some quality time with them.

I have used all forms of childcare - nursery, nanny, childminder, after school clubs, holiday clubs, family! I found a nanny was the best for our family - at that stage we had 6, 5 and 2 year old and our nanny stayed with us for 4 years.

Just ask yourself if your ex DH is having these thoughts?

Bloody good point!

Congratulations on your new job OP! Our kids are similar ages and do similar hours and yes they have the odd night of being tired but it ebbs and flows and they can relax on the weekend. The nursery we use is excellent and both children have benefitted from being there.

I agree with pp, you should be very excited and proud of yourself. Good luck!

Read Why Love Matters by Sue Gerdhard. It’s a set text for a lot of therapy courses but it’s also brilliant for acknowledging what you can do to help manage the guilt and make the most of the time you spend together.

Be really kind to yourself, this isn't so bad. I went back full time from when my daughter was 10 months as my husband wanted to do shared parental leave.

DD is now four and about to start school. I get pangs sometimes about working full time, but I have to remind myself that nobody would think dads don't spend enough time/love their kids enough if they don't work part time.

Weekends are really special times for us, we do nothing on a Sunday and just make pancakes, be together at home, and go for a walk. On Saturdays we go swimming together and sometimes to a cafe for lunch. We are really organised during the week which means we still get to have nice moments playing together in the morning despite working. To be honest, no system is perfect but this is what is best for us.

We have a cleaner once a fortnight and a strict routine with washing, and get a supermarket delivery so we don't have to spend too much weekend time doing jobs.

Oh the other thing I'll add, is that when I was a new mum, I remember thinking that my DD might find is quite inspirational to have a mum with a career when she is older!

In a similar situation I took the job and have just negotiated 30 hours so I can do two pick ups. In those six months of FT I made sure I demonstrated that I could do the job in my hours and also had capacity to help others so that when it came to consulting colleagues about my drop in hours, they were willing to help. What I would be looking at is, is the job semi flexible if I need to run and pick up a poorly child, and will i roughly finish on time. If you're booked into meetings that end at 5, you know they're going to run over and then have the stressful drive/ run to nursery to pick them up and possibly get charged. I don't know if this is applicable to you but id be looking at all aspects to see how family friendly it is, before I make my decision just because I know how stressful it can be rushing all the time.
Don't feel guilty, you deserve a fulfilling career. Your kids will be fine and will love their time with you, think of how many mums are with their kids but aren't actually present? Working full time made me actually bloody appreciate every part of parenting so I wasn't thinking 'uh the park after school again' but 'yeah let's go to the park!'

Slightly different, because we didn't use childcare (there is no wraparound care here), but in normal times, I leave for work at 6am and home by 7-8pm 3 days a week (work normal hours wfh the other days). Mine are 3 & 8 but I've done this schedule since my youngest was 12 months.

My mum worked 9-6 from when I was 3 months old. It was all absolutely fine. I remember really enjoying afternoons and we had nice dinners together in the evening and fun weekends. I definitely didn't feel like I was missing out. It was pretty normal amongst kids I knew growing up. Importantly, I think it instilled in me a good work ethic and the importance of being financially independent, and I really appreciated how hard my mum worked for us.

Thank you all, I’m genuinely feeling a lot better about it after reading other people’s experiences. I love the sound of your weekend @Tinselandlights and I may try something similar with mine! I also think it’s nice, as a few people have said, that my children will see a mom working hard to provide for them. I really hope they grow up seeing the positives that have come out of the situation (money for treats, holidays, a good career, a bigger house, money for music lessons/ extra curricular activities etc) and don’t only see the negatives. Thank you all for sharing your experiences ❤️

@Anonymouseky
I'm a lone parent and my preference has always been to make sacrifices so my child doesn't have to attend wraparound care.
I purposely looked for wfh roles that were part time and gave me as much flexibility as possible. And tbh I would urge to see if you can do the same.
Managing everything alone, juggling appointments, clubs that they'll otherwise miss out on etc, is hard going. And something has to give, which if FT is time with the children.
There would be no time to hear them read, help with homework, discuss their day in a non stressed way.
Imo yes it can work, but the collareral damage is the children who are tired, miss out on you, lack of support for their school, not attending school activities, your being stressed with them etc.

I worked full time when my kids were yours ages. I did feel bad about it but you know, once you're in the groove you do make the most of the time you have together. They are now mid teens and are two very nice and balanced people so I don't think they have been damaged. Yes it would be lovely if we could all afford to have a comfortable lifestyle without working, but the reality is many of us can't. So we do what we can and make sure our children are loved and cherished whenever we can. If you can stretch to a cleaner or any other sort of extra help that also makes a big difference. Wishing you all of the very best. You will be fine.

@Anonymouseky glad it's useful!

The things we do to help include having a robot vacuum cleaner, a cleaner once a fortnight, and keeping things simple during the week. Then we make sure we have time together before and after preschool/work.

For example, this morning my DD was practising her letters in a workbook so I did A-D with her with no distractions, and we did a bit of colouring on the worksheets.

My mum worked part time and tbh I don't think I spent a significantly greater amount of time with her than I have with my own DD as she was often doing housework while we were at home, so I think it balances out.

Someone else said it but I’ll say it again. Be proud of yourself ! Well done on the job !