I can't do this anymore, the pressure is too much, I don't know enough, I can't do it

[fireflyfairy2]

I think I'm going to have a break down.

I have had a headache for about 3 weeks now.

I have so much work to do & for some reason I have no brain capacity left.

I go to university 3 days a week.. I have all day Tue & Fri at home to study, but for some reason I haven't been able to. I sit down with my books & then ds wants something (he's 3) He doesn't like TV & doesn't much like playing with his toys either... he just wants to sit on my knee or get me to read him stories, or just "Look at me mammy" type stuff. I feel awful for him. It's not fair on him.

He is 3 & I am in my final year... meaning I have been at uni for every year of his life. He was 5 months when I started & I feel so guilty. Dd is 6 & she has been threw about from pillar to post so I could pursue the one thing I wanted... 'to prove to my father I'm not stupid'.

I passed the first 2 years OK. I won't get a first, but a degree is a degree. I wanted a first when I started out.. and if it was purely based on journalism I would get it too.. but I have 2 modules of psychology to do as well & I am slightly losing the bap where they are concerned.

Not the clinical & abnormal, it's not too bad, but the educational psyc is driving my nuts.

We had a presentation the other day & it went tits up. Now I have an essay to hand in for Friday & my heart isn't in it. I have most of the literature I need in front of me..so why am I on here?

Also, I have my sister's kids this weekend so I've not really had time to get it started, but I feel like calling my studies advisor & telling her I can't do it anymore. I can't cope with the pressure of assignments & exams.. I can't cope with the headaches every day & constantly feel like crying.

What the hell am I going to do?????

You can do it. Start by telling yourself how great you are for what you have achieved so far. Almost finished a degree and with two small children into the bargain. I couldn't have done it. It is only since DD3 started school that I decided to sign up for OU.

I have huge problems with procrastination and not being able to get down to things and also with perfectionism. I find it hard to start an essay if I know it is not going to be really good. Truth is - handing in something or other will be good enough.

Take the pressure off yourself. Call your studies adviser and have a chat about how you are feeling. If she doesn't know, she can't help.

Stop thinking about the end result of the essay. Don't tell yourself 'I have to write this essay by Friday.' Say 'Today I am going to spend a few minutes taking notes for this essay.' Don't worry about tomorrow. Then tomorrow tell yourself what you are going to do that day. If you have the essay finished by Friday, great. If not - get an extension.
If you are always thinking about the end result you just get paralysed by fear - well that's what happens to me anyway. Just concentrate on the next small managable chunk.
You sound like you are doing really well but have put yourself under huge loads of stress by your high expectations of yourself and this is what is giving you the headaches.
I don't know the situations with your family but your father undoubtedly KNOWS you are not stupid and may not even realise that you feel the need to prove it. I was always trying to prove things to my Dad, but it wasn't until many years later that I realised that he was really proud of me, he just found it easier to express his disappoinment with the bad stuff .
It is really tough doing what you are doing - give yourself permission to be proud of YOURSELF for god's sake, you totally deserve it.

Oh rosa, your kind words have just made me cry... thank-you.

I have a problem with telling myself how well I have done actually.. I feel like I haven't stopped for years & I'm going to drop in a heap.

Dh keeps saying "Look, there's a great job for you.. a company car.. holiday pay.. wow! Just think, 2 wages coming into the house" and god do I feel like running a thousand miles from any interview or anything that comes after I graduate.. it scares the life out of me.

And my father does think I am stupid, he said even after I got my degree I would still only be fit for a shop keeping job (Not that I care what I do.. I just want the degree!) I know that sounds stupid though

I am going to email my studies advisor as I will most likely cry if I go to see her as she's lovely. She is a mum herself & I find her very easy to talk to, but I need distance to say how I really feel.

Thanks for replying.

I know how hard it is - you need to speak to your sup and get booked into student support/study skills.

From experienec, I don't think it is possible to study and look after a child at the same time. I study when DS (3) has gone to bed. Just for an hour and a half - if you are focused and organised you can get a lot done. But don't try to do both, or you just end up feeling crap about not doing your work and then crap and guilty about not being a better mum.

Do you have 3 full days at uni? You should use the time between lectures too. I don't know if you are socialising, but agian, with a kid and with very little time, it isn't possible to have the kind of fun at uni that people without kids have. It's about priorities.

Was it you that was going to try ad's FFF2?

I agree with Rosa, break it down into little chunks. I don't know where you are studying but I am doing an OU course at the moment and it is a question of getting through the reading, making notes, keeping the essay question in mind all the time.

You can do this. You have already proved you are not stupid by getting onto the course and getting through the first 2 years. You don't have to prove anything to anybody now. I am have spent the last 25 years doing exams, partly to prove to my father I am not stupid and it hasn't made any difference. Do you know what though, now I do it for myself. He is a silly old man who hasn't the faintest idea what intelligence is and really his opinion on my education doesn't matter. I do it because I it is a means to end to get to do what I want with MY life. Forget about your father and do it for yourself.

Do you have to do every assignment? It may compromise your final mark by not submitting one of your assignments but it would give you a breathing space if you could.

When are your exams? Don't worry about them if they aren't in the next couple of weeks. Take one thing at a time.

Talk to your tutor and see what she suggests. She may have some ideas on how to cut corners, let you know which bits of the course you can miss out. My last OU course I passed very respectably by just doing enough, getting hold of past papers and basically covering what I needed to do and leaving bits out. You don't have to know everything.

And don't panic! YOU CAN DO IT.

You posted again whilst I was doing my post Firefly - your father sounds just like mine. Forget about his opinions - he is the stupid one for not realising what a great DD he has.

Nope. not me.

I don't socialise at uni. I study at home alone on a Monday morning or I go into the library (I have been getting & photocopying all the info for this assignment). Then am at home with ds on a Tuesday (dd school).

Have uni from 9am til 12 on Wed but pick ds up on my way home & then dd is out of school at 2pm.

Thursday is full of lectures.

Off on friday with ds all day & dd out of school again at 2pm.

I don't socialise, I am either in my lectures or the library. I feel guilty for leaving ds & dd in childcare so I rush home as soon as I can to pick them up.

Dh cooks & puts the kids to bed, but by the time they are in bed it's 7pm & I am knackered... dh is out 3 nights a week & I am out 2 nights as well... I can't wait to stop studying, I don't know why I thought I would be able to do it.

Niecie

I am full time at uni.

I have to hand in all my assignments when they are due. I've never had an extension, though I do know loads of people on my course who have. I think the most you can get is 40% though if you hand it in late.

I have an assignment due on 30th Nov. Another due on 7th Dec, an exam (journalism) on 13th Dec & then I have 2 psychology exams in January but haven't got the date for them yet.

Thanks for talking to me, I think I just need to gain perspective..

Wow that is a timetable and half. When does your course finish?

I have to say I have never been able to not hand in an assignment so I probably wouldn't have been able to take my own advice on that! Just can't quite be that relaxed about it.

Do all your assignments count towards your final degree classification? Do they all have the same weight? How many words do you have to write?

Sorry - too many questions! I am just trying to see if there is anywhere at all you can cut yourself some slack.

FF2 snap- thats how I feel too, I keep 'hoping' (not exactly but otoh ama ware theres a get out) I will fail each bit, but I cant quite bring myself not to do it wither.

We're so near the end now, not much further to go- slog it out and we'll be there, eh?

Also in my final year, also struggling to keep my head above water.

If you can put your ds in childcare for a day when you don't have lectures then do it. At teh end of the day this is your final year, it won't last forever. Try not to feel guilty about it. (though I know I do and hate the days that I pick ds up from creche at 5 just to run home, give him his dinner and put him to bed)

Concentrate on survival. If stuff is formative then put it to the bottom of your list. Prepare work that will affect how much you get out out of a class but don't bother with just homework, do your essays etc instead. (eg I translate texts we will work on in class but don't do exercises if I don't have time)

Try to use housework etc as your breaks. reading, typing etc makes you tired so when you take break get away from the computer and wash up or something to take your mind off it.

Of course if I fail feel free to ignore all of that! Hoping for a 2.2 though at this stage! Have just about accepted that I won't get a 2.1.

I also don't think it's possible to study while looking afyter a young child and it's probably that part of yout time which is making you feel so demoralised. I'm in the final year of a PhD - I go in 3 days/week while dd is at daycare, otherwise it's Sat while dh takes her out and most evenings. On the rare occaisions that I have tried to read a paper while dd is awake and with me it has resulted in much frustration and quite a headache.

Can you get some extra childcare just to get you through this last year? If you've made it this far and passed well then I'm sure you can finish. It's not that you don't know enough - you just sometimes feel like you've had enough.

And sometimes you need to step back and coast a bit - just to recharge and get some enthusiasm back.

Best of luck - you're almost there!

FF,you've done the hardest bit. You know that don't you?
Secret is to think longterm for the good stuff and short term for the bad work stuff.

I know it's hard.I'm doing an MSc p/t, i work f/t, have a business and my dh is away for 6 weeks at a time.I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old. I can't remember the last time I felt carefree.A spot of MNing is literally my only leisure activity.

What drives me on is knowing where this will get me nad being ruthlessly organised. (I'm to be off here at 5:00 pm as I have an exam tomorrow.)

I'm not surprised you have a headache!

However, you have to deal with your own health (physical and mental) otherwise you won't manage to do it, and you'll end up becoming ill. I would go and see your GP and ask for help with the headaches - you may also need to get a sick note from him, if you're going to ask for some time/an extension or whatever.

Sounds like you have a lot of pride and a real need to prove other people wrong (not criticising, just observing), but this is probably preventing you from asking for help when you really need it.

Make yourself a list of what needs to be done, and by when, and then plan it all out on a calendar. Make sure that you put priorities on everything - and anything that is low priority just don't do it. Or get someone else to do it.

Have you had a chat with your dh about how you're feeling, so that you can ask him for extra help over the next few weeks/months?

Good luck - and hope you manage to get through everything. One thing is sure - your father is absolutely wrong about you!

Aw my little fairy buddy. I'm really sorry to see this thread was started by you. Everyone has offered such fantastic advice on here. I'm pants at giving advice but just wanted to say that any time you want someone to listen I'm here.

Thanks girls.

Sorry I didn't get back last night, my sister came to pick their kids up & we all ended up going out for dinner & wine

moondog, I only think I have it tough compared to you!! Total respect to you for being able to handle it!

I have a 2 hour lecture this afternoon & I think I might give it a miss & crack on with this essay.. on the other hand, the childminder has offered to have ds tomorrow to give me time to do it, but I really don't want her to have to give up her day off...

The headache is back again this morning, all tight at the front of my head.. though coming to think of it, I might need my eyes tested.

Niecie, yes all my assignments count, they count for 30% & this one is 2000 words.

haven't had time to read what everyone else has said (got to write an essay!!) but firefly i can totally sympathise, i have been feeling the same, even though i am at the beginning of my course! I have an essay every week to hand in and the pressure of it, coupled with looking after a one year old has made me want to chuck it all in. But then i know it is a means to an end (i am doing a law conversion course to ultimately be a solicitor) and i would be so annoyed with myself for chucking it in. On sat night i felt as unhappy as i have felt in a loooong time with a headache i have ahd for days, but really finishing an essay yesterday really helped me feel positive again..
no answers really just wanted to say i can sympathise.
The irony of my situation is that my dh is a lecturer so spends lots of time with students like me who are struggling etc.. at least he reminds me (often!) that i can talk to my tutors, they really won't bite and are there to help. All the best to you x

Don't worry about the childminder giving up her day off - I presume that you are going to pay her and she wouldn't have offered if she had other things to do. Take the day, break the back of the assignment and relieve the headache.

Only miss the lecture if it isn't the basis of an assignment. The great advantage of studying full time is that you have lectures so you don't have to do absolutely all the reading and research for yourself, somebody does that for you and gives you the important bits in a lecture. I know it isn't enough to do the assignments but it is a start. I do miss that aspect of studying with the OU.

Still, whilst I trying to cheer you up I am not getting my reading and assignment done! Better get on with it whilst DS2 is at playgroup or I shall end up in a panic too!

Good luck! The end is in sight.

Hi

Thanks for all the comments girls.. I think I can finally see the end..

I e-mailed my lecturer who was lovely. I told her I was doubting my capability in doing this assignment & give her a few ideas of what I was going to put in my essay.. she e-mailed me back saying yes to the first 3 but not to include the last 2 & also suggested a couple of studies to mention Which was fantastic, as I would have included the 2 topics I didn't need to... & lost a load of marks

I feel a lot better & now I know what I'm doing it won't be as difficult to do

I'm so glad I e-mailed her now

Authorised extensions don't mean you lose marks - unauthorised extensions do though!

I graduated this summer and my final year was hellish too - it was the one year I got extensions on nearly every essay I had to do! (I even got a special circumstances one and handed in my essay 3 months later!)

You can do it - you've come this far, it would be stupid of you to drop out now - there is only a few weeks left (if you take out 3 weeks Xmas, 3 weeks Easter hols)

Pace yourself. Stop the guilt (it is only a temporary state with the kids - you have their whole lives to be a "better" mum).

Can your DH not do any more to give you time to study (at the weekend or whatever) or other family members?

Hi Lewis

Dh does lots already. He works until 6pm most days & when he comes home he gets the kids sorted out.

Saturdays & Sundays are spent studying as it is...

I have got a good bit done on the essay I just have to do the referencing tomorrow & that should be me finished

Good luck with it all.

I hated doing some essays - the writing part just would NOT come no matter how many times I tried!

It is extremely stressful for families when one parent studies - my tutor told me she had known of couples to actually split up under the pressure!

Hi

I have the essay finished now, I just have to reference it. She wants it referenced in accordance with the APA guidelines I had to google to see what that was!!

Then I hand it in tomorrow morning & I have an appointment to go see my advisor of studies for a chat so she can reassure me of what I need to do to get a good grade!!

Well done firefly.

Now to make you feel extra smug I feel an extension request coming on as ds keeps insisting on being ill on my 'essay writing' days.

Ah indith, I never feel smug Usually thanking my lucky stars I got mine finished in time & wondering how the hell I'll manage the next one!!!

I have had a chat with my advisor of studies who now knows I was feeling the pressure & she has offered to chat to me anytime I am feeling pressured!

Always good to have someone to chat to. The goddess who is my departmental administrator is fab for that. Unfortunately she is leaving in January

I still want mine in before the holidays though, I refuse point blank to be running late before next term even starts!