Really struggling - can anyone relate?

[Pippoppap]

Our baby has a chromosomal deletion discovered during late pregnancy. Was an absolute bloody nightmare - they screwed up tests and it was only confirmed at 25 weeks. If I am brutally honest with myself I’m not sure if i would have kept the baby if we had found out earlier, but DH had a very strong opinion and I felt I was slightly railroaded by doctors.

DS is now a year old. He’s doing fine but milestones are slipping quite a bit. He has just started nursery.

I felt ok during maternity leave - I guess as he was so little it was just living day to day really. Now I have gone back to full time work I feel like I’m getting late onset PND. Is that even a thing?!

I love him to bits but I am worried about him all the time. DH is ok at home but I do sometimes feel like he made promises when we were making the decision that he hasn’t followed through on. I also feel like I am letting my son down, I struggle to enjoy spending time with him and am constantly analysing how he’s doing. All not helped by being the main earner in a stressful job, working with lots of men who just don’t seem to cut me any slack.

I’ve organised telephone counselling next week but I’m not sure if it will help. I’m just not really coping. I lie awake at night wishing I could go back ten years and change everything...I feel like I’m just resigned to a shit life now and am failing in all areas.

Can anyone relate? What can I do to make myself more resilient for my DS?

I guess not then...

I can relate to the struggling, not really enjoying my time spent with my baby and also looking back and almost wishing I hadn’t had children.

I don’t really know anything about the condition your baby has, does he need extra care? Healthcare visits etc?

Do you have family and friends nearby that can help?

Can you take a week annual leave whilst baby is at nursery and have some chill out time?

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, you really aren’t alone I know many of my friends also struggle on a day to day basis

Hi Pip

I don't have this specific problem, but I did have severe depression when I was younger.

In relation to that, it was just so much better when I got it treated. I found SSRIs really helpful for me - they just gave me a lift. I also did counselling privately which was helpful. I would recommend going to your GP and exploring options for treatment of depression. I also think that counselling is something that is worth paying for privately if at all possible. See how the telephone counselling goes - if that is good great, if not do persevere until you find a counsellor that is good for you.

Beyond this, can you carve out some time for yourself? Eg book the day off work when your DS is in nursery and have a lovely day for yourself? Or even longer if necessary. Is it possible to reduce hours or even swift roles if you are finding work too much on top of everything at home?

In terms of your DH - hard to tell if he is actually being rubbish, but if he is generally doing an ok job, might it be less exhausting to cut him some slack. It must be a challenging situation for him too. I would struggle to keep a perfect home if I was a SAHP. I suppose work out what is really important to you and focus on that, let the little things go.

Good luck.

Hi, I can relate to lots of what you’re saying, especially about husband’s making promises and then not really following through. I find that even on the rare occasions that my husband is caring for our son, I am still doing the bulk of the thinking, planning and worrying as well as life admin. We row about it a lot. I would say the few successes I’ve had with attempting to create a fairer division of labour are when something becomes the normal routine. Since your baby has just started nursery it could be a good time for a chat about new routines and responsibilities.
As for the chromosomal deletion, as a previous poster says, it’s hard to say without more details of what it amounts to. But I’m a special needs teacher, so have worked with lots of parents over the years with children with varying degrees of need and I will say that it can be tough. Parenting is already hard, but it can be very scary and lonely when your child isn’t running with the herd. I think it’s particularly scary in the early years as parents are waiting to see how things unfold and what the severity of their child’s needs will be. I’ve seen lots of different types of reaction to this - head in the sand/extreme anxiety/active engagement/depression etc. What I think seems to help is having support from people in a similar situation, so trying to join any local groups or access support from charities etc. The nursery should also be helping with monitoring his progress and making you feel in safe hands in terms of taking any extra steps, like referrals or assessments if needs be. It sounds like you feel quite alone with it all, but your husband and nursery should be feeling like a team with you.
I really hope you can get the help and support you need, the counselling sounds like a great idea to try and process what sounds like a really intense 18 months or so. Medication could help too, for lots of people it gives just enough lift to be able to do the other stuff that helps.
I also think things will get better as your baby grows in the next few years and you’re able to see more of them and their individuality. In the early days, especially pre-speech, they can feel like a bundle of needs and when their humanity emerges more, it can be easier to find enjoyment in it all.
Sorry you’re going through this, I really hope things improve.

Completely relate. My LO has a condition identified at 20wks. Now she's here we play the waiting game as to how the condition will impact her abilities. I find myself assessing everything. This is not helped my HVs, GPS, prospective nurseries who define her by her condition. Their advice us enjoy her for what she is now. Sounds lovely but feels loaded with what ifs...

Not exactly the same thing but I had PND then at 18 months old DS had a speech regression and I have spent the last 3.5 years worrying and being very anxious about his development and our future. I ended up back on anti depressants after weaning off them after the PND.

I wish I had done a few things differently and that does include enjoying DS more, he's my only so no reliving it with younger children. I spent a lot of time being sad which has ultimately affected me as a person even now and my marriage. However at the time I didn't understand how I could just 'wait and see' when speech therapists, paediatrians, preschool were, what felt like constantly, giving me reports about how behind he was/definitely was autistic/will need huge amounts of support. Ironically I now worry on what I 'missed out on' while being so anxious, even though physically I was with Ds every day.

Ds is 5 now and oh I wish I had had a crystal ball to know things would get better. DS is talking, a lot!, thriving academically at school and made friends. He goes to a mainstream school with a speech and language resource.

My husband is very supportive but I take virtually all the mental load re appointments, school etc, probably because I was a sahm for 4.6 years now work part time while he works long hours.

Counselling is a good idea and maybe speak to GP about anti depressants. I would take DS to an ASD/SEN playgroup, helped me feel slightly less alone.

Totally get where you’re coming from with the late onset PND OP. I have a 15 month old DS who I’m really struggling with and was wondering the same thing about the PND myself earlier