Living with regrets

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all I'm struggling with deep regret.

Background-

I am a single parent of 4 year old twins.
I wasn't in a relationship with their father when I fell pregnant. We were friends of 10 years and I have supported him through a lot during his life, unfortunately I didn't see the brutally cold person he is until after the children.

He has the children a few hours a week. If I ask him for support he tells me I'm 'just a one night stand.'

I juggle everything on my own, he gives me £10 a week for both children.

My children are excluded from family events. Their dads family don't attend any of their birthday parties, christening days etc, always excuses. He also controls his mum.

The confusing part is he tells me he loves the children and wants to do better... in his own time. He tells me he is going to show me how much he cares about us.

When I asked him for more support he replied by telling me he 'won't be having them next week'. It's like punishing the children because I spoke up.

Deep down I feel he only keeps one 'toe' in the door for his own conscious but the children idolise him.

My regret kills me I feel like I've let my children down so much it's actually depressing me the guilt I feel. I wish their dad would walk away rather than confusing the children with a false 'love'

I've wanted to stop contact so many times because his attitude has been shocking. He's made something which should have been a blessing, a horrible experience.

I really want to find inner peace in this situation, apologies for rambling on any advice would be very much appreciated. Take care x

He actually sounds like a toxic person to me. The contempt, the punishing. Perhaps you feel guilt and regret because he is a narcissist and skilled at inducing these kinds of feelings in others?

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Punish this useless piece of shit where it hurts - his wallet. Start a child maintenance claim tomorrow. He can shove that measly tenner where the sun don’t shine. He’ll then refuse to see the kids. That’s fine, they don’t need this useless sack of shit dipping in and out of their lives on a whim. Use the maintenance for a child minder / babysitter when you need a break. I’m pmt, give me his mobile number and I’ll bloody tell him a few home truths!

Yes!!! All of this 👆

He's taking the piss. I would also go after a fair payment from him through the correct channels, he doesn't deserve your kindness in this situation. His family sound like a bunch of dicks too! How anyone can treat children like that is beyond me.
Your children deserve better and so do you.

It's like I should be grateful for the breadcrumbs because I was a 'one night stand' my regret stems from wishing I'd done better for my children. I can't stop contact because then it's my fault they wouldn't know their dad. My heads so messed up I just want to find peace in this situation I've got us in. Thank you so much for listening and taking the time to reply xx

Some good advice above, the only thing I'll add is that it'll be his fault they don't know him when he strops off because he doesn't want to meet his responsibilities. Not yours.

They will realise this when they're older.

I don't know how anyone could treat children like this. When I was seven my mum abandoned me. Now I've replayed this situation for my kids. I feel like we're punished cause I didn't have an abortion. Even though he does say he loves them etc.
My heart hurts, I'm ok at times I'm triggered when I see my kids being treated differently.

Most importantly I just want to be happy and at peace like I used to be

Cut off contact and if he wants it he will have to apply to the court for it. Then you can detail in your statement exactly how he verbally and financially abuses you.

Apply to the CSA for maintenance

Claim child support formally and agree access. Are his family aware of the dc?

This is on him for being a useless parent. You are not responsible for that. Try to reframe it in your head to recognise how well you are doing. As a single parent to twins, you are superwoman! Also you wouldn't have the children you have if circumstances were different, so try to make peace with the decisions you made in the past. Your children will already know you are their rock and this will only become clearer to them as they get older.

His mum just text me this -

I understand how you feel but I think you know as well as I do that * is never gonna be the father you want him to be as in taking more responsibility that’s just the person he is and I don’t agree either but he is his own person and at the moment he’s happy seeing them once a week especially now he’s working 5 days a week hopefully In the future he will change
Take care xx you do a brilliant job as a mum and I’m sure the children will know that in the future xx

I see a lot advising to stop contact maybe that is the best option in this situation. It's been an awful experience I couldn't even write it all on here. Children don't deserve this to be emotionally messed about like this. Thanks so much for your advice people xxx

Fantastic that he's working 5 days a week - get a claim in asap so that you will at least get a reasonable amount of maintenance from him. And to hell with visits. Don't initiate them. It's not up to you to encourage a relationship with your children and this dickhead they are unfortunate enough to have as a father.

So his dm does not have the bottle to arrange contact with you, bypassing him, or put pressure on him to include them in family events. Empty words in the text I'm afraid.

I'd make a back dated claim too for the maintenance.

@LIZS

So his dm does not have the bottle to arrange contact with you, bypassing him, or put pressure on him to include them in family events. Empty words in the text I'm afraid.

Yes, I was wondering that. If you have a separate means of communication, and clearly some form of relationship with, your twins' paternal grandmother, why aren't they being included in family events by her? Does she need her toxic son's permission?

@CrouchEndTiger12

I'd make a back dated claim too for the maintenance.

You can’t do that so start a claim tomorrow.

He doesn’t deserve them and he’s entirely to blame for his own shitness, not you!

@Itsthelittlethingz

It's like I should be grateful for the breadcrumbs because I was a 'one night stand' my regret stems from wishing I'd done better for my children. I can't stop contact because then it's my fault they wouldn't know their dad. My heads so messed up I just want to find peace in this situation I've got us in. Thank you so much for listening and taking the time to reply xx

This is awful OP, so sorry. What a prick. Is he forgetting that if you were "just a one night stand" that he was "just a one night stand" too? I agree with others, take it through the right channels and get what you're entitled to - and allow him to phase out contact. I feel for your kids but it doesn't sound like he will be a positive influence in their lives as they grow older x

@Estherlee

He actually sounds like a toxic person to me. The contempt, the punishing. Perhaps you feel guilt and regret because he is a narcissist and skilled at inducing these kinds of feelings in others?

This.

Can you pinpoint exactly what it is that you feel guilty about?

That you left the guy? (good move)

That you are providing for your kids with what you've got? (an achievment)

Sounds like you need to work on self esteem which is sometimes hard as a single parent.

Also better boundaries around what you would like for these kids.

And yourself.

Not easy I know but comes with time.

@BendingSpoons

This is on him for being a useless parent. You are not responsible for that. Try to reframe it in your head to recognise how well you are doing. As a single parent to twins, you are superwoman! Also you wouldn't have the children you have if circumstances were different, so try to make peace with the decisions you made in the past. Your children will already know you are their rock and this will only become clearer to them as they get older.

And this too.

And yes, to the maintenance claim.

If they don't care about contact. Don't give it to them.

They can take you to court if they want to.

You would still end up with a better arrangment than you have got now.

Think of your future and what it is that YOU would like.

You said you can’t stop contact because then it’s your fault they wouldn’t know your dad.

Their dad is a piece of shit though so if they don’t know him isn’t that a good thing? Seems like stopping him seeing them is something you should do and feel proud about rather than guilty for.

You sound like you’re doing amazing and he’s an absolute scumbag cunt for making you feel this way.

My ex was a total twat, never gave me any money for the kids and rarely saw them. I just stopped expecting or asking for money and only gave him access to the kids when he asked nicely.

Kids are now 19 and 17, has he hurt them, yes, would they have been less hurt if I had done anything different? Nope. They know I've done my best and will do anything for them. I've always told them their dad does love them, but unfortunately he is useless.
They've seen for themselves how he behaves and made their own decisions about him.

Just build a life for you and your children with your friends and family, don't rely on him for anything, ever.