TTC but not sure if it’s the right thing to do…

[Crazycatlady2016]

Looking for some advice/other people’s experiences…

I’m not one of those people who has known for years that I want to be a mum. DH and I have had many conversations over the years about whether we want to have kids. We decided last summer that actually, we would hate to turn round in 20 years time and be filled with regret at not having them, so decided we would give it 6 months and see how we felt, and if we still felt the same, then we would start TTC.

We started TTC a few months ago and so far no luck, which we’re both completely ok with as we know it takes time.

I still have these nagging thoughts though, almost on a daily basis, that I’m not sure if I’m cut out to be a mum. I read so many threads on MN about people who regret having their children; who are struggling etc and it frightens me. I suffer with severe anxiety and we have no family around us (both sets of parents live 50+ miles way).

I’ve spoken to DH about it and he has no doubts at all. He said I’m just nervous about the unknown but that I’m naturally very maternal and we will manage together, and face whatever comes our way.

I just keep thinking maybe life would be simpler if we didn’t have children! I’m so confused.

Sorry for the long post but thanks in advance for your responses :)

I'm not naturally maternal at all (and my DH not naturally paternal), most of our friends were very surprised when I said I was pregnant - we were very much a work hard, party hard couple and now we're a work hard, playground hard couple. I think it's easy to talk about the negatives and sure, you're going to be more tired than you thought possible but it's also deeply deeply wonderful and joyful. We just muddle through as best we can - we're equal parents, we both do our share and we're on the same page and for me, that's the key thing.

Hi @Blippibloppi, thank you for taking the time to reply. It is great to hear your experience. May I ask, as not naturally maternal/paternal people, was deciding to have children a difficult decision? Did you have any doubts at all along the way?

I think it’s those kinds of worries that show you will be a good mum. It is really hard, things can go wrong and will get overwhelming. But that’s the way with most things. There is so much joy and laughter too. A whole world of it that you have no idea exists right now. As long as you’re flexible, keep learning and work with your kids it will turn out alright. I say this as someone who had a traumatic birth, postnatal anxiety and lives far from family, and I love my DS so much, Me and DP, who had been together 8 years before having DS only regret is not doing it sooner.

Get help in place now, if you need support in mental health, getting a good support network in place etc, work on that now. Go to the parenting classes and the birth classes. Don’t pay too much attention to people on the internet. Nurture yourselves with a good diet, vitamins, sleep and laughter. Keep your feet warm! The best advice I was given was that worrying is like praying for something you don’t want to happen. Also when you have that newborn baby don’t stand if you can sit, don’t sit if you can lie down. Good luck

Hi @littlejalapeno thank you so much for your lovely reply and advice. My DH says I look for things to worry about! 🙈 we’ve been together for 11 years and he is wonderful, very supportive, kind and understanding. I know he would be a great dad, but I can’t help but worry how I would cope with him being at work all day and being left on my own. Parenting and baby classes sound like a great idea and I’d definitely want to try and make new mum friends to share experiences. Thank you again :) x

The truth is that it's always a gamble. A roll of the dice. And there are no take backs.

It's worked out for me. My DC are healthy and NT, my DH pulls his weight, if anything my MH is better. I'd do it again (and did), despite not being "maternal". But that's with good support and money to throw at problems. And it could so easily have gone another way.

I would love to tell you it'll definitely be fine. And it probably will. But I don't have a crystal ball. It's always a risk.

Thank you so much for your comments @BuffySummersReportingforSanity, it’s so lovely to hear that things worked out for you, and that your MH is better, as that’s one thing that’s been playing on my mind. So I’m really reassured to read that :) if only I had a crystal ball!

@Crazycatlady2016

Hi *@Blippibloppi*, thank you for taking the time to reply. It is great to hear your experience. May I ask, as not naturally maternal/paternal people, was deciding to have children a difficult decision? Did you have any doubts at all along the way?

Classic hit 35 and my hormones went into overdrive. We decided to give it 6 months trying and review from there to see how we felt, I got pregnant the first month we tried so that was that.

Always doubts that we weren't going to good enough or capable but I think that's absolutely normal.

"Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy."

I think of this quote often.
Who fucking knows op. Life is a gamble.

BUT the happiest demographic according to data seems to be single childless women. And according to data having children makes couples unhappier than before, and less satisfied. These increase once the children leave home(!)

However everyone knows this and does it anyway. I often feel the same as you and am ttc, now hoping to do IVF.

Having children is hard. It's unrelenting. But I've never once regretted having mine. Actually looking back I find it hard to imagine how my life would have had the meaning it has now if we'd never had then. There is just a different purpose and I'm really grateful. That said, I am not a particularly maternal person, was never 'broody' (we just decided practically it made sense to TTC and we did it), I don't really like other people's children. I also still have a busy career and do lots of things independent of family life (travel, etc.), so I never 'lost myself' in having kids the way some mums do (which I think is a risk of giving up work, giving up pre-baby friends, never having time away to yourself or keeping up activities you did pre-kids).

Thank you so much everyone. Your thoughts are really helpful. I’ve spoken to DH again this morning and we’ve decided to press pause on TTC just for a little while to. I’m 32 so there’s no desperate rush right at this moment. I think I just need a bit more time! You’ve all been so helpful though, I really appreciate it x

Completely fair enough pausing TTC for now. The only thing I wanted to add was for us, as new parents with limited family support (grandparents on one side but 2.5hrs away) and no friends locally with children my NCT group have been an absolute lifesaver and as a colleague once said 'you're going to buy friends' and he was 100% right. The information I could get from a book but having a group of people to text in the middle of the night when you've had no sleep is IMO invaluable.

PS. Doesn't need to be NCT but something like that.

My thoughts on this are about half processed, but I think where I've got to is: it really helps to know yourself.

I am not "naturally maternal". I do need space and time for me. I need adult stimulation, adult company, adult goals, adult time. I do not have a bottomless fund of giving. For me, being a happy, sane mother means having support, having a career, having time to pursue hobbies and interests and a social life, and limiting the number of DC I have. And, put bluntly, those things are enabled by money from my good career and DH's and by having a supportive, weight-pulling DH.

I am certainly a good enough mother. I love my DC and feel they enrich my life. I put their needs first, but I put my needs above their wants and I make space for my wants too. They keep me busy and stimulated and cuddled and I laugh so much. I do not regret my DC in the specific situation I have them. But if I were, say, a single mother to 3 or 4, scraping for money... I might well regret having ever become a parent. That's as close to my truth as I can come, I think.