Behaviour and Ex

[Assistanttotheregionalmanager]

Not sure where best to post. Finding my son a real struggle at the moment. I separated from my ex after 14 years a year ago. We have five children together. DS15, DD 11, DD10, DS 8 and DS 3.

My ex was toxic and I look back now and I just think what on earth was I thinking - domestic violence, drinking, drugs, other women are just some of his toxic traits.

We split and he is with someone new. The children rarely see him. However my eldest has started rebelling. He will be absolutely fine at home with me and then randomly will disappear and I’ll find out he’s in the pub with his dad. His dad was always violent when he went out in the pub - fighting; drugs etc a night out was never just a night out or a quiet drink.

I’m so worried about my son all the time but he sees all this as ‘normal’. I struggle to stop my son going as he is bigger than me and I cant physically stop him. There is no evidence for any of what his dad does. I spoke to children’s services and they said it was my word against his.

Im so scared he is just going to take his things and move in with his dad.

Not sure why I’m posting really. Just so depressed with it all.

Anyone?

Realistically anything you do to try and stop them having contact is going to encourage him to rebel.

He's old enough to make decisions about who we wants contact with.

Going to see his dad isn't really rebelling if he's fine at home.

Don't press the matter. Just let him continue contact if it's not having any negative impacts.

Thank you. I am trying. My son is very naive. He mentioned before that he had ‘smoked weed’ and it was fine as Dad said it was ok. He got in lots of trouble with me foe that.

Have your children had any counselling for the domestic violence?

Tried to seek support but they all shut down. In theory they didnt ‘see’ of it but I know they must have felt the tension and all sorts as they behave so much better now and are far less worried about ‘checking’ on me. They used to never leave my side and refuse to go to bed as they knew what would happen.

@girlmom21

Realistically anything you do to try and stop them having contact is going to encourage him to rebel.

He's old enough to make decisions about who we wants contact with.

Going to see his dad isn't really rebelling if he's fine at home.

Don't press the matter. Just let him continue contact if it's not having any negative impacts.

Wow... this is her son, why should she give up on him?!

He's 15 he is still a minor and he shouldn't be going to the pub with his dad, he shouldn't be smoking weed and his size shouldn't be a factor in him not following the rules.

It is difficult bringing up teens but no means no. Be really clear why, have a frank conversation about why these things aren't good decisions to make. Give him some purpose at weekends try and get him involved in something he wants to do like a football club. Talk to him about his future, get him involved in researching what he wants to do in life, give him goals- my goal was to travel to every continent by the time I was 30- I did it!

Even talk to him about his dad and how his choices has effected his life- obviously be very careful on that one. Don't give up

Thank You!

@Littlepaws18 where did I suggest anything about giving up on anyone?

She said he's fine at home. He's not breaking any rules. She's not having any problems with him.

I haven't responded since the comment about weed. I don't think there's anything wrong with him going to the pub to see his dad - did you know you can get soft drinks and food? Quite remarkable.