Very worried about siblings

[siblingworries]

Name changed as fairly unusual situation.

I had dd1 early 2019, a miracle baby for many reasons, fifteen years awaited. I am at home full time. Her father works long, long hours. Then pandemic hit and I had second baby late 2020. Just before she turned two.

So she was pretty much with me 24.7 due to pandemic and rarely saw a soul.

Despite my best intentions, baby introductions went badly. Sil brought her in when I was BF, despite me saying I would go and get her. She had been there while DH collected me from hospital.

At that point she was very upset, cried for a good hour, but that's the first time I have left her at all and was one overnight.

She will not have anything to do with baby. Six months in I have no photos, nothing. She won't touch her, interact with her, speak to her. She loves other children, any children and plays and shares well.

She is aggressively protective of her. Screams blue murder if anyone touches the pram, no no let mummy do it. She will help me, pass me things etc. She asks for her, where is baby? But will never ever touch her.

I'm now worried and asking for advice because today I was quite upset by her. I decided to try and get a photo and asked her to sit on my knee next to baby. She started bolking and gagging. She has been sick before when baby has but on this occasion all she had to do was come near her.

I don't know what to do? I've never known a child be sick at their sibling. I'm positive and encourage lots of love and cuddles, with both. Baby adores her, will settle immediately on sight of me or her, nobody else. She will chat away to me saying these are my toys, share with friends, not sister. Yuck.

I'm at a loss. She's such a kind and loving child, offers affection, runs over to tell me she loves me, but it's like her sister does not exist.

Any ideas? Feeling a little fragile. Clearly something I'm doing as I'm the only one here.

I’m not sure what to suggest but just wanted to reply as I felt your sadness coming through your post.

My children age 2 years apart in age (5 and 7 now). My oldest wasn’t sick at the sight of his sister, but he really wasn’t bothered at all by her as a baby. I never got any sweet photos or pics because he would squirm away and just didn’t care about being near her.

I’m wondering if it’s just going to take time. Once your youngest is older and walking and talking it’ll be easier for them to play or sit together watching a film.

What do you think the being sick is about? Is it because the baby is sometimes sick and that makes her feel queasy?

I would say that You need to get out of the thought process that it’s something you’re doing though. The situation is what it is. It’s no ones fault. Blaming yourself will only make you feel rubbish and more anxious about the situation.

Thank you. I'm very low generally, no support, no help. Haven't even seen a HV, no family. So I feel anything wrong is me, because there is only me.

Dd1 is a sicky child, car sick, sick if has a cold etc. Dd2 had reflux, so was extremely sicky. Dd1 won't touch milk since dd2 started being sick with milk.

The gagging at being close to her has only happened once and was today, usually she gags as soon as baby sick. I clean it as fast as lightening and never ever make it an issue.

I saw a glamour of hope this week as she was reading one of those big sound books and baby rolled over and was pressing it, they were both laughing, but seems to have gone downhill since.

Are your two close now? Or is he still indifferent.

Not entirely sure if it's possible at such a young age but could it be some form of emetophobia?

She associates the baby with vomit/being sick/the smell . The milky baby smell they have and we love might be overwhelming and "icky" to her. Especially if she gags when the baby is sick too.

There seems to be interaction and care from her which is good, but she's afraid about actually touching the baby or being too near.

To be honest, I don't think there's much you can do besides encouraging her to interact and help on her terms, and thing will probably improve as baby gets older and they both outgrow the being sickly a lot stage.

Thank you. I feel sick myself worrying about it.

I really hope it gets better, it's so sad.

Yes it could be the smell, association. She's quite deep at times, strong memory. She had a nasty sick bug spring time and still talks about carrots and the bath where she was sick.

I've also wondered if she is scared of her. Maybe I've said be gentle to much or something and frightened her so she just won't go near her.

I had two babies with exactly the same age difference and despite doing the usual 'baby has brought you a present' type things that are usually suggested, my eldest kept a wide berth of the new arrival. He didn't really want anything to do with him, wouldn't sit beside him in the trolley, didn't want to be in same room etc. As the baby grew and started to be funny and find my eldest funny, it improved a little. But for many years, there was a constant underlying jealousy and bickering but improving slowly. Roll on to the teenage years - by the time they reached 14/16, they had discovered lots in common and have been great company for each other in lockdown, they chat away together, no bickering at all. It is such a relief! I am telling you this to give you hope, it will get better, try not to worry and let your worry make your daughter more anxious about it. The nausea is probably more to do with the baby vomiting/sour smells/vomit reflex than the actual baby. I have notes from my eldest saying he hates his brother, for him to go away (aged about 4/5). We can laugh about it now. Good luck, it's really hard.

Yeah, I had 2 under 2.

#1 basically ignored #2 for the guts of the first year.

Started getting vaguely interested when #2 started crawling but even then was mainly just playing by himself.

All changed when #2 was about two and #1 was about 4. Basically once they could run around together.

Now they are thick as thieves. It's actually a good age gap as they like the same cartoons and the same toys. Once the second one catches up to all that stuff, there's huge bonding that happens.

But at this stage you have to realise that for a 2 year old, a stationary baby who doesn't do anything is not particularly interesting. They'd prefer a puppy or a kitten or something that can follow them around.

Do you think you are making it a bit of an issue- would she sense your anxiety about this?

If you try not to worry about it and put no pressure on then it is likely they will eventually play with each other. Your first daughter is still very young and maybe just doesn't find her sister very interesting yet.

Always remember too that siblings don’t have to be close. It is nice if they are but they are their own little people and entitled to their own feelings and opinions about things.

To me it comes across that your eldest DC is associating the baby with sick. It seems too much of a coincidence that she's gone off milk and also that she gags when she's put near her. Maybe she is worried that the baby will be sick on her or that it will feel like the time she was sick herself?
Personally I'd try to address this rather than forcing a bond between them. Babies are boring as it is, let alone to small children who are often disappointed their new siblings can't play with them (or do anything at all) for quite a long time.

My DS was 22 months when DD arrived. He wouldn’t even look at her for about 6 weeks, just said he didn’t like her. If I brought her near he would run away. It’s only now she’s started crawling and is a bit more interactive that he’s showing much interest but he’s still very hot and cold. Don’t worry too much, I think it’s pretty normal. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. Hang in there xx

Thank you all, these stories give me some hope.

I'm not trying to force a bond, I've completely stepped back and both are loved and safe. I was just shocked when she reacted so severely to a cuddle. Or even to sitting beside her.

I will just keep ignoring it for now and hope that things improve, never heard of this happening before and it's unsettled me.

Keep imaging how I would feel if someone was sick when close to me, that's awful. But hopefully will stop before baby realises.

Tbh neither of them are ever going to remember this.

My eldest had a ridiculous memory too - still does. Remembers details even now from

There is a child in my son’s class who is sick whenever another child is sick or has bogie. She absolutely fine in every other senses and the school manage it well she just has a reaction to ‘gross’ things.