Does your DH/OH/DP pay towards childcare costs?

[CMSdividend]

OH and I don't live together, but are together and have a small child. It's a long one but I need to explain it.

To stave off the questions now: neither his house nor my house is big enough to house us all. It works being separate right now. He gives me £200 a month, has another child and give his ex the same amount. I'm aware I'm in an abusive relationship but LTB is not an option.

So, OH has just expanded his business and now has premises. I was working part time and am now working in his premises handling all admin, accounting etc as well as starting my own business. I can only work 3 days a week as DD's childcare is £800 a month.
OH has another person who does his VAT return and payroll. I was of the understanding that I will take this all on and work 4 days a week when DD gets some free hours and the remaining day we would divert the phone to me and I can check emails from my phone. The reason for this is that VAT person has been falsifying her working hours and charging OH for time where she hasn't worked. She charges him a third more than I do and also because I am giving up the opportunity to work elsewhere and don't want to be bored. Her husband is a customer of OH.
Found out today that VAT person will be in the office on the days I'm not there, she's a taker-over and has stepped on my toes many a time so I know I'll be twiddling my thumbs most of the time. I questioned OH and asked why. He said because I can't work more than three days due to childcare I said but if he contributed half of the nursery fees then I can go full time.
His response: so I give you £200 a month for DD as well as half the nursery? I won't be able to pay my mortgage so that ain't happening.
I know they'll be a lot of people with lovely OHs who say that childcare is a shared cost so could those who also have difficult OHs let me know I'm not on my own here?

My exh refused to pay a penny for any childcare, nor do any himself; I could only go p/t once oldest was f/t school plus a pub job in the evenings once kids were fed, bathed and in their beds to minimise the costs. He's still a bastard and refuses to pay for anything above cms.

We lived together and pooled all money and resources 🤷🏽‍♀️

It came out of household money. If your in an abusive relationship then it’s time to think about getting out, you need to start that by job hunting. There is no point asking on here what is reasonable when you know your ‘D’P is not reasonable.

Is he currently your employer? Is he paying national insurance and pension etc?

Thanks so far. @Pissinthepottyplease I'm freelancing but he's my main customer now, I have two other clients. I pay my own NI and pension.

Of course he does. Actually he pays about 2/3 of it as he’s a company director and earns about twice what I do (I haven’t sacrificed my career for dc, I earn well but he earns very well). Worst thing you can do is tie yourself to him financially. I wouldn’t be working for him. My Dh is lovely and I trust him completely. But I want my own independent financial life, if for no other reason, if his business got sued or had to shut, you’d both he screwed.

You should be sharing all child related expenses according to your incomes, including clothes, shoes, days out together, childcare, presents, etc. If he earns more, he pays proportionate to how much more he earns. For example, Dh earns twice as much as I do roughly. He pays 2/3 of all expenses and I pay 1/3.

You're not living together so if the relationship is abusive, now is the time to get out. So you really want your kids growing up around an abusive relationship? Go through CMS, claim for benefits if you need to, but honestly what he pays is the least of your worries.

If it wasn't an abusive relationship I'd say you need to look at a proportion of your bills. You both have mortgage or rent and utilities so I wouldn't expect him to cover that but I would expect enough to cover half the childcare and half her costs - clothes, food, activities, etx

What do you want to hear? That other people are also being taken for a ride by the father of their child? How will that help you?

You know the answer. It’s not ok that in order for you to work for him you have to pay full nursery fees.

If you were single you could claim working tax credits to pay for the childcare and potentially get some other financial support too. You’d literally be better off alone than with this guy. Plus he’d have to pay maintenance, which it sounds like would be the same amount as he pays now. Win win.

Why do you say LTB is not an option. It’s always an option.

You need either a FT job, or at least to ditch him as a customer, increase your day rate, and find some new clients.

If you can do accounts/payroll, you can find a job that will pay your bills and childcare. Your OH paying CMS minimum (of less), when you are supposedly still together is disgusting, honestly.

I'm aware I'm in an abusive relationship but LTB is not an option.

It's not an option you want to take. It's not an option you are choosing to take.

It absolutely is an option available to you though. It is always an option.

The VAT person is not your enemy in this scenario. You are choosing to waste energy on the wrong thing.

You could choose to exit this toxic situation. You could choose to ask for a different set of advice today. You could choose to step out of the manufactured drama with the VAT person. You could choose to ask for help.

These are all choices available to you.

Joint children = joint expense

Also it’s not a case of LTB - you aren’t together.

I would not be putting any more of my eggs in an abusive-OH-shaped basket by making him my only employer.

Retain the other freelance contracts for when you feel strong enough to cut ties.

We didn't pay shares. We only have one bank account, everything goes in there and childcare is one of the bills that goes out. The income has gone up and down over the years, but generally that works for us. We pay the bills, save some and then spend what is left. Only really works because we have similar spending habits though

I know they'll be a lot of people with lovely OHs who say that childcare is a shared cost

FYI, this is not a characteristic of a "lovely" OH, it is how an average human behaves.

It doesn't require anything more special than being a decent-but-imperfect human.

The most dangerous thing that happens on this site is when abused women start egging each other on and normalising the abuse they're experiencing. Making out that normal standards of human behaviour are some kind of rare and exceptional thing reserved for the gods. It's irresponsible.

My dh isn't 'lovely' because he paid for our ds' preschool. He's not even 'lovely' because I'm a SAHM and didn't need ds to go to preschool. He's just a decent man who doesn't need cajoling into paying for his son. As you're not living together, you don't have to LTB. Just put a CMS claim in and don't consider him your DP anymore. Because he's not behaving like one.

Why isn't leaving an option? Even long term? I understand its not simple, but to say its just a no is sad.

Are you sure your boyfriend thinks you're together and not just another one of his 'baby mummies'?

So maybe I need to rephrase LTB for Break up then. But it's not an option at the moment. Yes @Neondisco I plan to break up long term.
It's interesting to hear how other people's partners are more reasonable, and those that aren't are exes. My first husband was abusive financially, I flat out wasn't allowed to work as "how would I afford the childcare" OH knows this.

@BikeRunSki

Joint children = joint expense

This. DP pays towards childcare because DS is as much DP's as mine.

If he won't pay up, look at how much you could get through CMS.

@Siepie I'd only get what I get right now through CMS - £200. And that's if all is declared correctly. He pays himself £12,500 and takes £11,000 in dividends.

You are potentially going to end up worse off financially but alas that's what benefits are for. You need to get out of the abusive relationship sooner not later.

I wouldn’t be deepening my involvement by working for him.

Especially alongside someone who has been fraudulent and will have no respect for your work. AND your ‘D’P will favour her as a) he needs her husband as a customer and b) shows you no respect.

Much better to build your business with different clients! Did you say you are ditching another job to work for him? Bad move. Why give someone who cares not for you even more control over your life?

Essentially, in terms of living arrangements, you are a single parent. How much would he have to pay via CSA?

OH, sorry, missed the CMS post.

He is working the system to his advantage, not looking at how best to support his children.

He will not look after you and your child, so you need to do that. So cj cent rate on building your own business and other clients. Where you will be able to set your rates etc.

Do you actually want this man to be in control of how much you earn? Refuse when you put up your freelance rates? Be in control of hiring and firing you?

Sorry but this is exact how women in abusive relationships find the situation getting worse and worse snd ever harder to escape from.

If he ditched you, you will have lost all your connections for a nee client base. Lost all that time building your new business.

Tell him that in view of childcare costs and your own ambitions you will work another month while he finds an alternative but then you want to work for yourself snd other clients do that you can be in full control your rates snd working hours.

And that as financially and practically you are a single parent you need to prioritise building your own future.

Why on EARTH you would support this man to build his own wealth and company development while he shafts you financially I do not know.

Except I do. Because so many women have been in your position, trapped in an abusive cycle,

Do the Freedom Programme online.

Good luck OP: you can rescue yourself and your child if you take control now.