Jealous toddler?

[Lullaby88]

Recently had a baby, prior to this my 3 year old daughter had all my attention and time. I'd do a lot of activities with her, take her out, just everything and she would be the center of attention for me.
So i understsnd its been a tough transition for her. I now mainly bound to the nursing chair nursing my son who feeds fairly slowly and frequently, my daughter has slowly adapted but her character has changed. She isnt the sweet, kind toddler with great manners anymore. She has become very rebelious and rude. She tells me and hubby to shut up, wont listen when asked to do things, does silly things for attention. Iv had to stick on the tele a lot as she doesnt play independtly much and when im nursing theres not much i can do. She comes to me at nursing time and asks for things particularly at that time. Its very frustrating. Iv tried doing activites when nursing. Like reading a book but if i ask her to turn the page she says she cant do it. And cries. She also displays rude behsviour all day and shouts at me a lot. As a result iv been telling her off an awful lot. Iv began to dislike my once very sweet daughter who i dont know anymore. But feel sorry for her at the same time. I hav support from parents and she prefers her grandparents to me and hubby and it feels like she hates us. She will start nursery soon but just s couple of days. I feel spendig time with her 24/7 is draining along side nursing hence i stick on the tv everytime i nurse.
Im embarassed of my rude toddler now and who she has become in a matter of 2months. My relationship with her is no longer positve as i hav no energy for the.rudeness.and end up snapping

Any tips? Experiences?

I also feel disheartned that 3years of building a great bond has all gone. Also feel disheartned she bonds more with grandparents as bad as that may sound!

It hasn’t gone. Please don’t worry, she’s just trying to process the enormous change in her little life. I read a great book - The Second Child Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, and it had some good insights into it.

One of the things that helped me from it was to reframe the toddlers behaviour not as jealousy but of grief. They are grieving the loss of your total attention and the stability they knew. It also compared having another baby to if your husband suddenly brought home a new wife and said he loved you so much he wanted another. And you were just expected to get on with it.

Saying all of this I know it is hard, I really do. My DD was only just 3 when her little brother was born, he too nursed for ages at a time, she displayed all those behaviours but also adored him. She adjusted with time and we do now at age 4 and 1 have some of the squabbles “but that’s miiiiiiine! I want mummy!” But largely it’s all ok now and the sweet little girl is back.

I would say also be prepared for her to have to adjust more than once… my DD had just properly got used to the status quo, then her brother started crawling and grabbing everything which she found hard and took a long time to adjust to again (not being able to leave her drawings out, having him grab her toys etc).

Do you use a sling? In the early days I would do the baby’s morning nap in the sling at the park, to give DD some one on one attention early on in the day which helps. Even now he’s 1 I block out some time during his afternoon nap if the 4 year old is home to play 1 on 1 with her and play anything she wants. If I also have jobs to do I’ll often set a timer - eg I can play horses for 20 minutes then when the timer goes off I have to go and clean the bathroom. She will usually help me with the chores too so it does feel like never a moments rest, she’s my little shadow! Nursery does help and mines about to go to school, the last year has flown.

Good luck OP

Mine also had a 3 year gap. My DD is now 36, and she is still jealous of her 33 year old brother ! When you figure out how to deal with it, let me know !

I also read the same second book as pp and highly recommend

That sounds so, so hard, and one of the main reasons I kept breastfeeding my daughter throughout pregnancy - touch wood she hasn't had any jealously towards her baby sister as when the little one is nursing she can nurse too and doesnt feel the baby has stolen me. That doesn't help you though (and isn't without its challenges to be honest).

In terms of juggling them I agree with the sling- I find it an absolute life saver so I can give DD2 attention and run round after her. We get out the house every day as shes harder work cooped up, and loads of toddler classes where I keep DD3 in the sling and DD2 can run round having fun and I just follow her chatting about what she's doing - she feels like she's had a lot of interaction and attention but its minimal effort from me so useful when I'm tired and drained. I also don't ever attempt to do housework in the day (I get up once they're asleep and clean the house at night) - as soon as the baby is asleep or otherwise settled I'm playing with DD2 or cuddling up reading to her. I've also found she loves helping with the baby and it seems to help - eg if me and DD2 are playing with blocks and the baby starts crying because she needs a nappy change I'll go "Oh no DD2, our baby is crying, let's see whats wrong... you get the wipes, I'll get the nappy.... right, you hold her foot for me while I wipe..." etc etc. She loves this and I think she genuinely believes I need her help at all times now ha. Oh, I always refer to DD3 as our baby or her baby, or her baby sister - she didn't even know she had a name for the first month or so! I think this has helped her bond too.

The grandparents thing - that must be hurtful but will just be because they can give her their full attention. My DD2 has bonded a lot more with my mum and also become a bit of a daddy's girl since DD3 was born, but I know that she still loves me best really- try and remember that the person they misbehave for is generally the person they feel safest and most comfortable with, so as irritating as it is in the moment when youre getting all the rudeness, its because she loves and trusts you most.

Good luck, it will get easier!

I'm in the same situation. My dd1 is 2.5 and dd2 11 weeks. Dd1 has gone from such a sweet and happy little girl to these awful tantrums. It's really heartbreaking and hard, we had such a lovely bond but sometimes I find her too much. Took her to the park yesterday and we was having a lovely time, then the smallest thing triggered a huge tantrum.

Your DD can't change her behaviour, she's a toddler.
You need to stop snapping at her and telling her off. "Embarrassed" by her behaviour? You're being ridiculous.
The rudeness isn't naughtiness, it's coming from a place of sadness and confusion.
She needs your love more than ever now.

We had this, DD1 was 3.5 when DD2 was born, she took it super hard. She went from a lovely little girl to an absolute nightmare. And I didn’t know what to do. I also had PND and I know I didn’t handle it well at all, and I will forever regret that we seemed to lose our bond.

But they are now 5 and 2, she is still wilful but actually she was wilful before I just didn’t notice as much because she was the only one. I try super hard now to remember that all behaviour is communication and the result of an unmet need.

My youngest nursed for hours, so I get how hard it is. But try as much as possible to spend 1-1 time with your daughter when you can. Still do bedtime whilst your partner has baby, go out for an hour just you two even just for ice cream or to feed the ducks. She needs to know mummy is still there.

And please, please, please get your anger under control. I’ve struggled with this massively, don’t let it become an issue. Get counselling, get meds, make sure your partner is pulling their weight. Whatever it takes so that you find your patience because your daughter doesn’t deserve this. She isn’t naughty, she is lost and confused. I wish I could have seen that back then too.

The first thing you need to do is get out of the nursing chair - they are for first babies / night feeds not for day to day feeds when you are already a mum. Put the baby in a sling and do more stuff with your eldest and never use the newborn as an excuse not to do things with your eldest as that will cause the jealousy to grow.

When the baby is sleeping, I know you may not feel like it, but you have to do more with your eldest.

Stop taking your anger out on your eldest. She never asked for a second sibling.

I agree with Ozanj my 2nd dc was fed whilst on the go with 1st I just had to adapt to do things 1 handed and feeding out and about so eldest could still do their activities etc.

One thing I would say is that even without the baby jealousy issue, 3 year olds do go through phases of being stroppy, whingy, difficult and wanting your attention at the most inconvenient time so don't blame the whole situation on the sibling issue.

As a PP has mentioned, something I've found paid dividends is to give DD some really good quality attention early in the day. Even ten minutes of playing a game with them or whatever seems to set them up for the morning so if your baby naps in the morning or can be left happily in their cot, sit and play with your DC1 and give them 100%

My DD doesn't have a baby sibling to be jealous of but during Covid I've had to work with her around. She has become relatively good about it but I have to make absolutely sure that she gets my undivided attention when I can to make it work.

Things will improve in time, you just have to ride it out and praise any good behaviour she displays (over the top praise). As frustrating as it is for you (compounded by the exhaustion of a new baby) you always need to keep your cool and try to remember that she misses you and your close bond too.

It's really hard having your child prefer their grandparents, our eldest still does now and she's 15 but it's because they always pander to her no matter how much of a git she is being. She was so jealous of our 2nd that she gave him a slap when I was at the loo a couple of times (she was 5), I had to take him everywhere with me when she was home for months. We have our 6th due soon and our twins will be 6 but they are so used to sharing I'm hoping they will stay the same little sweethearts they've always been. The current middle child (9) has the worst attitude out of the bunch, extremely stubborn and seeks attention in all the wrong ways.

I feel your pain as am in the same situation at the moment. I think the previous poster suggesting you get your anger under control with meds etc is a bit harsh. You’re bound to end up snapping at your toddler when she behaves so badly when you are feeling so conflicted.
You’re doing the right thing asking for help to manage that conflict. I think you need some balance. You need to find a way to feed so that you are not immobilised for the duration of the feed. If you need to sit to get latched and established that’s fair enough and your toddler needs to learn to accept that. However, it would help to find a way to feed so that you are not confined for such long periods of time. Try and practise sling feeding, or I have even managed to sit at the table and rest baby on the table so that I have a hand free for jigsaws etc. Shower your toddler with love at every opportunity, they have so strong emotional needs and no way to regulate them. I think the more time you dedicate to her the less jealous and needy she will be when the baby needs you. I’m no child psychologist but tend to say that baby is a bit hungry so shall we give her some milk so that we can have a little sit down on the sofa together to watch your favourite program/ read a book etc. so she feels the baby needing a feed is a positive thing as she gets some quiet attention. Use technology to your advantage, download some good educational apps like CBeebies that you can play together while baby feeds. Feed on the sofa so toddler can sit with you and feel involved rather than pushed out.
Remember to tell her how good she is being and give her lots of positive feedback when behaving well. It’s the bad behaviour that is getting your attention which is why she does it so turn that on it’s head. Lots of telling her she’s been such a good girl helping tidy that you now have time to read a book for example.
My toddler has also become incapable of small tasks like turning the page, coming down the stairs, pulling pants up and as frustrating as this is (and believe me it really winds me up) I think you just have to roll with it. When the jealousy fades so will the attention seeking.
It’s so hard to remember how hard certain aspects of parenting are when looking back at them. She only responds better to grandparents because she is the center of attention again. You are being a good mum. The fact that you are recognising the change in her shows that. Now you just have to find a way to make it work for you.

@SingingWaffleDoggy

I feel your pain as am in the same situation at the moment. I think the previous poster suggesting you get your anger under control with meds etc is a bit harsh. You’re bound to end up snapping at your toddler when she behaves so badly when you are feeling so conflicted. You’re doing the right thing asking for help to manage that conflict. I think you need some balance. You need to find a way to feed so that you are not immobilised for the duration of the feed. If you need to sit to get latched and established that’s fair enough and your toddler needs to learn to accept that. However, it would help to find a way to feed so that you are not confined for such long periods of time. Try and practise sling feeding, or I have even managed to sit at the table and rest baby on the table so that I have a hand free for jigsaws etc. Shower your toddler with love at every opportunity, they have so strong emotional needs and no way to regulate them. I think the more time you dedicate to her the less jealous and needy she will be when the baby needs you. I’m no child psychologist but tend to say that baby is a bit hungry so shall we give her some milk so that we can have a little sit down on the sofa together to watch your favourite program/ read a book etc. so she feels the baby needing a feed is a positive thing as she gets some quiet attention. Use technology to your advantage, download some good educational apps like CBeebies that you can play together while baby feeds. Feed on the sofa so toddler can sit with you and feel involved rather than pushed out. Remember to tell her how good she is being and give her lots of positive feedback when behaving well. It’s the bad behaviour that is getting your attention which is why she does it so turn that on it’s head. Lots of telling her she’s been such a good girl helping tidy that you now have time to read a book for example. My toddler has also become incapable of small tasks like turning the page, coming down the stairs, pulling pants up and as frustrating as this is (and believe me it really winds me up) I think you just have to roll with it. When the jealousy fades so will the attention seeking. It’s so hard to remember how hard certain aspects of parenting are when looking back at them. She only responds better to grandparents because she is the center of attention again. You are being a good mum. The fact that you are recognising the change in her shows that. Now you just have to find a way to make it work for you.

I suggested it because I’ve been there, I’ve got the regret from shouting at my toddler because she was being a toddler but I couldn’t handle it. It’s not harsh, snapping at children isn’t normal no matter what anyone tells you.

Good advice from @SingingWaffleDoggy and other posters. I thought the analogy of bringing another wife home that @Bigoldmachine said is a good way to try and look at it.

No more advice to add as PPs have covered it but specifically the praising good behaviour and ignoring the bad stuff so she isn't getting attention for the wrong reasons and remember she loves you, it's just she misses you.

@MynameisJune I’m sorry you’ve been through this. I’m glad your approaches helped you. I personally feel that how OP is feeling is in direct proportion to the stress of the situation and would be better addressed through other means before suggesting medication as I don’t think it helps the underlying problems. But I appreciate that it helps some people regulate their moods so they feel better equipped to deal with it.
I think to say that snapping at children isn’t normal is unrealistic though. It’s not a good response. It’s damaging to both parent and child. However, I think to admit that you have snapped back in this situation doesn’t equate to an anger problem. I think most parents would admit that they have verbally snapped at their children before, and that is something that OP is obviously regretful about.
You’re absolutely right about the behaviour communicating an unmet need, it hurts to see how frustrated my toddler is when she’s behaving so badly. It’s such a challenging phase and I’m glad you’re now out the other side yourself and embracing her wilful nature. I’ll keep reminding myself that good days are coming

Thanks for all your experiences and advice. Really appreciate it. I dont feel all alone in this now. Iv taken some really good tips and its already improving my toddlers behaviour! Im working on it. Fingers crossed!!

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and thoughts. Really appreciate it. Iv taken note of some tips and have already seen a huge difference in my toddlers mood (positive) thanks all Xx