Foster child behaviour

[Nogodsnomasters]

I don't even know where to start with this tbh, I have a son who's 6 with ASD but goes to mainstream school and is on target academically. I also have a foster son who's 5 and is in mainstream school not diagnosed with anything but has a 1-1 in the classroom due to poor attention span, impulsive behaviour and hitting out etc.

Since living with us over a period of a 5 months it's obvious he's very behind academically and we suspect he may have dyslexia and ADHD, neither of which can be diagnosed until age 7 so he has two more years of just struggling on without a different learning format.

The main problem at home though is that not only does he tell a dreadful amount of lies, large ones and small ones, but he also "admits" to things he actually hasn't done or that happened differently and I'm finding discipline very difficult due to these two traits. I'll give an example...

My son's Pokémon ball ended up on the porch roof which I spotted from the bedroom window, I asked both children how it got there, my son said he didn't know, my foster son said he dropped it out the window! Being 5yrs old I gave him a lecture about staying away from the windows, safety etc (obviously we have child safety catches on them but still), so later in the day I relay this story to my husband who said that's not what happened, he was actually throwing it in the garden while I was cutting the grass and threw it so high it landed on the porch roof. Whereas things we know he has done (we've witnessed) he will lie about?

I just don't understand it, nor know what to do in these situations.

Any advice?

There is no point in asking a cognitively delayed five year old why they've done something complex, like lying!

My family have vast experience in fostering and I’m really sorry to say that this is pretty common. They’ve had children of all ages and tbh whilst it might not always be instantly clear the trauma impact, it always come to the forefront eventually. In our experience social work are ill-equipped and under resourced/funded and trained tbh. Their long winded processes and bureaucracy means the child's needs are rarely put first.

Is your foster child at school/nursery - have you approached them for support/experience? They may be better placed to help in the short term. I

Also, every child placed with our family members have ultimately been diagnosed with developmental issue, but it’s taken years and a huge amount of pressure and ‘panels’ to get anywhere.

I would buy some kids story books about telling the truth or see if the local library have any, and read those together.

You could even make your own story board together about telling the truth.

I would be in contact with school regularly, wanting updates on his reading/writing.

He needs consistency, a routine and unconditional love.

@Yellow85

My family have vast experience in fostering and I’m really sorry to say that this is pretty common. They’ve had children of all ages and tbh whilst it might not always be instantly clear the trauma impact, it always come to the forefront eventually. In our experience social work are ill-equipped and under resourced/funded and trained tbh. Their long winded processes and bureaucracy means the child's needs are rarely put first.

Is your foster child at school/nursery - have you approached them for support/experience? They may be better placed to help in the short term. I

Also, every child placed with our family members have ultimately been diagnosed with developmental issue, but it’s taken years and a huge amount of pressure and ‘panels’ to get anywhere.

Thank you so much for this, yes he's just finished year one and by the time he starts year two in sept the theurapetic play services should be beginning so I'll discuss this with his new teacher then also and see if there is anything they can do to support this issue alongside the play therapy. Thank you

@User5827372728

I would buy some kids story books about telling the truth or see if the local library have any, and read those together.

You could even make your own story board together about telling the truth.

I would be in contact with school regularly, wanting updates on his reading/writing.

He needs consistency, a routine and unconditional love.

Thank you, I will look online and see if I can find a book that deals with lying straight away. Unfortunately his year one has been a disaster with sept-dec last year having poor attendance while still with his mother, then jan-march was supervised learning at school with little input so from march to June has been his true first chance at learning his teacher feels so that combined with attention difficulties and behaviour issues and the possible cognitive delay he's very behind his peers now at school.

He's absolutely got consistency, routine and unconditional love the last 5 months since living with us. His teacher has told us his behaviour at school has improved greatly since he's been with us which is nice to hear. We cannot expect to correct 5yrs in 5 months of course but it was just this one particular issue that I was struggling to work with him on as our tactics have not worked so far.

@Nogodsnomasters a good school support system is worth its weight in gold in these circumstances as social work is so disjointed with the various people involved, reviews and panels.

I should say that whilst all the kids have ultimately been diagnosed in one way or another, I genuinely have my doubts as to whether the diagnosis is correct or if their behaviour/emotional issues are simply attributed to their circumstances.

Good luck, you’re doing something amazing for this child. Something they may not appreciate right now.

TBH it's likely that in general you need to consider him being emotionally and developmentally much younger than he is. So rather than 5 more like a 3 year old. It just in the lying bit about everything.

[quote Yellow85]@Nogodsnomasters a good school support system is worth its weight in gold in these circumstances as social work is so disjointed with the various people involved, reviews and panels.

I should say that whilst all the kids have ultimately been diagnosed in one way or another, I genuinely have my doubts as to whether the diagnosis is correct or if their behaviour/emotional issues are simply attributed to their circumstances.

Good luck, you’re doing something amazing for this child. Something they may not appreciate right now.[/quote]
Oh absolutely, I know this from dealing with my son's school regarding the support he needs with his ASD diagnosis, so hopefully I can get the school on board, unfortunately we had very minimal interaction with the teacher until the end of term as it all went through the social worker until some red tape was cut that allowed us to deal with the school directly. As you say the protocols get the in way most of the time.

Thank you for your kind words, we're trying our best to understand the behaviours of this little boy and have done well with other behaviour but this in particular we've struggled with.

@RandomMess

TBH it's likely that in general you need to consider him being emotionally and developmentally much younger than he is. So rather than 5 more like a 3 year old. It just in the lying bit about everything.

Yes I am beginning to agree that he is emotionally behind.

You May want to move this....it's in tattoos

😂

Glad it's not just me who does it this sort of thing misposting