Sleep deprived single mother!

[LoLo1304]

My daughter is coming up to 15 months old and still doesn’t sleep well still at all. Most nights she wakes up pretty much every 2 hours. Some nights she will wake up after an hour sleeping. Tonight she’s gone to bed after a bath at 8:30pm and woke up 3 times and it’s only 10pm! Very very rarely she does a 3-4 hour stretch! I’ve co slept since she was approx 3 month old as I’m a single parent and it made my life ten times easier and she’s been breastfed since birth but now eating solids which surely should fill her belly up, I still get told off family to give her a bottle off formula but I just don’t see how that will help now ( I’ve tried to give her cows milk but she refuses) I try and try to put her in her cot but she just refuses to sleep in it and wakes up absolutely distraught in it. I can’t even talk to family or friends about it as everyone seems to have babies that sleep through and too embarrassed to say how bad at night she still is!

I’ve heard all about leaps/regressions and also teething can effect etc but this is literally every single night, I’m sure it’s a habit but how do I break her out off this habit?!

Also forgot to mention she falls asleep feeding and feeds back to sleep in the night!

Solidarity as I have a terrible sleeper too.

My DS is 19mo now and has gotten a little better in the last few months but still wakes at least 3 times a night.
He also BFs to sleep and we co sleep but if I try to change this he really doesn't tolerate it.
I recently started refusing some feeds at night and cuddling instead which has (maybe?) helped a little. I also gave have a little Teddy to cuddle which actually helped and he will sometimes settle to sleep himself after a feed if holding it.

Hoping some wiser mums come to help you!

It’s so tricky when you’re doing it alone
When you’re constantly shattered thinking about making a change is even harder
But to be honest if she’s waking every hour or two anything you do is unlikely to be worse than that
I suspect the reason she’s waking is because she’s not learnt to fall asleep by herself
If she’s always fed to sleep, she’s just not learnt to do it by herself yet

No need to stop breastfeeding if you’re not ready to, but perhaps offer her a feed, make sure she doesn’t fall asleep, but then lie with her for a cuddle / stroke or Pat her back if she likes it as she falls asleep
That’ll break the feeding to sleep association
You might need to layer up your top half if she’s particularly determined!
And just repeat to her that she can have milk in the morning (or whenever you decide if you want to continue feeding)

You can then gradually try moving her into her own bed once she’s accustomed to not falling asleep whilst feeding, but start her in her own bed so she doesn’t wake up in the night expecting you there

You can then sit next to her bed and read her a story, sing to her, maybe Pat her if needed etc and create a new bedtime routine until you’re at a point where you aren’t needed to stay with her until she falls asleep.

Once she can do that alone she’s much much more likely to be able to resettle herself in the night if she wakes

Sorry for the long reply, and that my suggestion isn’t a ‘quick fix’
I’d imagine the shift would take a few weeks but in the long run will pay off if you can stand firm
Maybe try telling family you’re trying a new routine and ask them to take her for a few hours so you can get some rest & catch up on sleep too? Might help you persevere if you have some resistance & you should never feel embarrassed about what other people’s children do v yours , it is what it is and we’re all doing our best

Are you me? You've pretty much described my exact situation (except throw in needing to get the baby up and out of the door to go to work/nursery, when he'd much rather have a lie in, as a fun addition).

People always say 'your baby isn't linking sleep cycles' but I take heart from the fact that clearly my baby (and yours) can link sleep cycles in that they don't wake up every 45 minutes for the whole night. So to be honest I'm just riding it out for now and I figure I'll worry about it later.

I also find with these threads that a lot of the advice maybe doesn't recognise how much some babies really won't go in the cot. Mine screams the full, can't-catch-a-breath, deeply distressed, high pitched wail of misery, if I so much as put him in there. And he's quite capable of doing that for at least a solid hour (before sleeping for ninety while seconds and then waking back up to wail some more). So people come along with all this 'do controlled crying, it's really only for a few minutes' and I'm like ???? - I guess what I'm saying is, it's okay to do what works for you. And you don't need to be embarrassed about it; this isn't something you or your baby are failing at.

I'm in the process of moving house, and my plan at that point is to stick my mattress on the floor of the room that will be the baby's, as a way of being able to more safely back away and leave him during the night without having to put him in the hated cot. Would abutting like that with for you?

Babys this age still need a bottle it’s cruel not to my girl is 2 and still has 3 a day including her solids.. if baby wants it give them it oh and my girl sleeps thru 12 hours everynight :) x

Please don't think you're alone. My ds is 15 mo this too and I could have written your post it's so hard and I think we underestimate the impact sleep deprivation has on us, let alone what it's like having to hear your babe screaming for you. I wish I had some advice, but I don't as mine totally depends on whether he wants to sleep for 3 hours (jackpot in our house) or 10 mins. There's no rhyme or reason.
But please know you're not up at all hours alone.

Sleep deprivation solidarity here too! My 7 month old has never done more than a 3 hour stretch! 30-90 mins is the norm, the other night it was every 20 minutes!!
Not single mother but husband isn’t here majority of the time (busy working) so I’m left raising baby and toddler alone! It’s exhausting, it’s draining and it’s most certainly hard. But YOU are doing AMAZING!

Can you speak to a HV they might have some ideas you can try?

You sound amazing! I think I would have lost my mind by now. Honestly you sound like such a good mum. Your DD is so lucky to have you.

Are you here to vent and find support or to change how your nights are going?

If you want to work on improving the nights the main thing you’ll need to work on is how she falls asleep. At the moment she is feeding to sleep so needs feeding again to get back to sleep.

To stop feeding to sleep you’ll have to put her to bed after a feed and cuddle and soothe her off to sleep like that. Leaving the room would probably be far too much for both of you if you’re both used to cosleeping. She will cry, probably a lot. But at bedtime, she will go to sleep.

I would also look into habit stacking - are there other parts of your routine that tell her it’s time to sleep? For example, my DD (16m) has a bottle (cows milk), bath, gets into PJs then we have a cuddle and a story, in her room with the curtains closed and little light on, and I sing her her lullaby in the dark and put her into the cot, give her a kiss and say “it’s sleep time now”, and leave. The routine and the song all indicate ‘sleep time’ to her. So if you don’t have as many sleep associations, add some in like a song, special comforter, ‘sleep phrase’, really predictable routine so that she begins to associate these with going to sleep. Then, when you stop feeding her to sleep, she still has all those other associations so (though she won’t be happy) she will know it is sleep time.

You then need to decide what you want to do overnight - stop feeding altogether? Feed at specific intervals/times? If she is waking for a feed overnight at this age (and she has learnt to fall asleep by herself) then it is for comfort not a physical need, so you could stop feeding overnight. Some say it’s less confusing for the child if it’s just a flat ‘no’ at night, others prefer to stick with one or two feeds, so if she goes down at 7pm only feed at or after 11pm and then again at or after 3pm, for example. I found with my DD I had to stop feeds at night altogether to stop her from waking out of habit.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you take time to come up with a plan you feel comfortable with, and then stick to it. I would suggest taking time off work and sorting some childcare for the days so you can look after yourself and catch up on sleep if you need to. If that’s possible, of course.

🤦🏻‍♀️ Rub salt in the wound

Hi I’m in the exact same situation with my 14mo. Stopped checking the time every time he weeks up because it’s less depressing. My son feeds to sleep and more often than not sleeps with my boob firmly in his mouth and if not then I’m very close proximity to it. Lyndsey Hookway wrote that night weaning is better to do at 18mo because they’re ready by that point ? I can’t remember why but I’ve told myself that if the sleep doesn’t improve by the time he’s 18 months then I’m going to night wean as from what I’ve read of otter people’s experiences night weaning coincided with sleeping through.

I’ve just always given him boob at night (well he just helps himself) as it’s the quickest way to get back to sleep without me having to fully wake up and I’ve always worried that he’s not getting enough during the day (he feeds really sporadically during the day and appetite for solids is really up and down) so I don’t want to deprive him of the calories?? I don’t know if that’s a bit mad of me... (I had milk supply issues when he was a new born and for a few weeks he wasnt gaining a lot of weight so I think that’s stayed with me 😂)

I hope things get better for us all xxxxx

Please let me know if anything works