Worried about my daughter

[nomore77]

My daughter is 3. I love her to bits but she has exactly the same physical attributes and very shy personality that I had as a child that meant I was badly bullied at school. It has really affected my confidence over the years and I feel really sad that she might have to endure the same thing. Does anyone else have these worries and is there anything I can do to help her?

Physical attributes? Not sure what you mean.
Shy? You need to aim to develop confidence. She absolutely doesn’t have to be loud but a sense of self worth and being able to speak up if necessary go a long way.

A really good thing to do, if you can, would be to see a counsellor/therapist to unpack and deal with your own experiences. Don't put your insecurities on to her. Don't make her self-conscious about whatever physical attribute it is that you're worried about.

What you really need to beat the bullies is confidence, work on yours so you can lead by example.

Don't let her pick up in your worries, she might be at school with much nicer kids than you were for a start. I'd find ways to encourage confidence through sport and drama classes if affordable and try not to pass on your own social anxieties...Her life will not be yours, all you have to do is help equip her to deal with its ups and downs.

Teach her to be herself and love herself regardless of what other people think. I find this hard to do but I know I need to! Wish someone had drummed it into me from a young age.

I worry that whatever confidence I try to instil in her will just be undermined by other people when she starts school. My parents tried to build confidence in me but I was still affected by the bullies.

Be very, very careful that you aren't transferring your insecurities to your child. I've seen this happen many times. Also, don't EVER tell her she's "shy" or tell other people she's shy, especially in her presence.

Schools - at least primary schools - are much better now at tackling bullying, at least in my experience of DD’s school. They are very hot on kindness and anti-bullying policies and so on. Obviously that isn’t going to stop everything, but in my oeriejve the teachers are now quite interventionist on this (and DD was in a group of bystanders when a child in her year 1 group was bullied in one incident and the teacher was VERY good at putting a stop to it and bringing it up with parents - not just the bullies but calling out the bystanders too). DD is now very conscious of any bullying behaviour. I think they also take it very seriously if a parent raises it, too.

*in my experience, not whatever autocorrect did in the middle of my post

I have been guilty of saying she’s shy in the past. Often she will turn away from people when they try to interact with her and I will say that she’s a bit shy. Is that the wrong thing to do? I don’t want to force her to interact if she doesn’t want to, so I try to make an excuse for her when I can see she’s unsure.

@irresistibleoverwhelm that is reassuring, thank you.

Often she will turn away from people when they try to interact with her and I will say that she’s a bit shy. Is that the wrong thing to do?

Sorry, it is. It's labeling her and creating a mindset that may be impossible for her to overcome.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying she's shy. It's useful for her to have a word to describe how she feels and that word is shy. You just mustn't let it become negative.

If you're saying 'oh sorry, she's shy' like it's a bad thing, then that needs to stop. You also don't need to tell other people she's shy unless it's really relevant (e.g. maybe her teacher at school).

I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing. My DD is naturally confident but she can be shy when meeting people, and if so I just say “oh are you feeling a bit shy today” and that’s fine. I think it’s equally important to make it clear that children don’t have to be forced into social performances of greetings, etiquette etc. when they’re still very young!

That’s not labelling them problematically IMO, as long as you are also remembering to note and praise them for other things - and that you don’t go around saying things like “oh you are a shy person” all the time, to the child or to others when the child can hear. There’s a big difference between saying “are you feeling shy today” (feelings) and “you’re a shy person” (character). Everyone is shy sometimes!

Does she go pre school and mix with her peers? What does her key worker think? They often have schemes in pre school to help children who are less confident.
Consider hobbies / activities that may increase her confidence ie martial arts / drama / dance.
As she gets older think about swimming lessons / learning an instrument anything that can build confidence.
Give her lots of opportunities to try things.
Rainbows and brownies would also be good when she’s older.
Children are who they are. My eldest is naturally anxious and shy but I help and encourage them as much as I can.

Yes instead of labelling her as shy as in ‘she’s/you’re shy’ which could then become a self fulfilling prophesy try this approach as explained by the wonderful Sarah Ockwell-Smith...

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/sarahockwell-smith.com/2021/05/20/10-top-tips-to-help-shy-or-introverted-children/amp/

@irresistibleoverwhelm you explained that beautifully and I totally agree!

Three year olds don’t need to be labelled shy. Mine would turn away etc sometimes. I would say “you’re not in the mood today are you??” Or distract from the behaviour. They are still finding their confidence and building social skills. They don’t have to interact with all and sundry.
Make sure she has praise and the chance to experience success. Doesn’t matter if it’s because she did a kind thing, jumped BRILLIANTLY in a puddle or did a fab painting. And model the behaviour you want. Show talking to people can be fun. Enjoy bouncing or being silly in soft play. Lots of laughter and ENJOY!!!

It’s sad that shy is a dirty word - and that children/people aren’t allowed to be who they are. On the other hand I can see why it is, because being shy has disadvantaged me in so many ways.

@nomore77

I worry that whatever confidence I try to instil in her will just be undermined by other people when she starts school. My parents tried to build confidence in me but I was still affected by the bullies.

Confidence is built by exposure to new situations, becoming independent to help develop self worth or identity (emptying her own school bag when she comes home, putting away her washing, setting the table etc) and developing a strong social network. You can provide her with the situations and help her develop the tools needs to be confident but you can’t make someone confident.

You are transferring and reinforcing a pattern in your daughter. Agree that you must not say she is shy.

No OP you're missing the point. It's not that shy is a bad thing, it's that you are assuming she's going to be shy based on yourself and you may be creating a self fulfilling prophecy if she hears you call her shy and understands that to be who she is. It's the opposite of allowing children to be who they are.

Hi op. I share some of your worries about my dd and something in particular I don't like about myself and I worry she will feel the same way if she is the same way in shape.
I was a very shy child. Dd is not. That doesn't mean I don't worry about her in social situations. She can still feel the same way a shy person does but she deals with it differently.
I don't know if my parenting style made her more confident or if it is just her own personality.
What I do try and tell dd is that being a child can feel like forever and other children can be cruel but when you are a grown up you don't have to see people you don't like. Any bullies from school could basically disappear out your life when you leave school. So being in a horrible situation as a child won't last forever.
Tbh I worry about suicide in young people after losing a friend as a teen. But that is whole other can of worms and nothing to do with what we are talking about in this case.

Agree with a pp that confidence comes from exposure to new situations. Your daughter is a bit young at the minute, but a great confidence booster for slightly older children is to get them to reflect on their own progress. 'You used to be really scared to go down slide but you kept trying and now you really enjoy going down by yourself!'
I also teach my children how to 'talk to themselves' when they feel daunted, saying things like 'I can do this'. I back this up by saying 'I believe in you, I know you can do it' when they are about to do something they feel a bit afraid of.

I believe that these kinds of experiences and reflections are what instill confidence...being out of their comfort zones and getting into the habit of seeing the process through.

Obviously I praise my kids traditionally too because they are amazing to me, but I dont want them to judge themselves by my reactions and crave the approval of others.

I had no confidence growing up but my husband was great at pushing me out of my comfort zone and I have developed so much confidence as an adult. I try to apply the techniques he used on me with the kids and I can see that they are becoming more confident all the time.

Surely most 3 / 4 year olds fidget and might look away if a strange adult looms over them.
They are 3. Humans in the making - expecting them to have acquired the behaviours of social politeness at that age is mad.

@nomore77

It’s sad that shy is a dirty word - and that children/people aren’t allowed to be who they are. On the other hand I can see why it is, because being shy has disadvantaged me in so many ways.

Nothing wrong with being shy, I'm loud and out there and have a lot of quiet shy friends and husband as we complement each other. Two of my besties in school (still my besties) were shy and I spoke up a lot for them including bullies. Now looking back, should I have defended them or let them speak for themselves? I don't know but it felt like the right thing to do when I was young. Fuck bullies, no matter the age.

I have two children (2 1/2 & 9 weeks), I don't think you need to say "she's a bit shy" if she's not interested in playing with someone and wants to do her own thing. We feel like we have to explain our child's behaviour to other parents but you don't owe that parent an explanation and as far as I'm concerned, not many including me need an explanation or would be phased by it. My first born is super social and loves to interact with other children, his best friend often likes to do his own thing and doesn't join in even though my child asks him to and I just say that E wants to do his own thing now and mummy can join in if he wants me to (often I'm not as interesting though haha). Kids will be kids, they play with whom they want, when they want, so no need to label her and excuse her behaviour if she's done nothing wrong in that sense.

One thing mama, your anxiety and your past experiences seem to sit deep and that's ok, it is often that way but don't let your anxiety make you worry what might happen. Try to raise a confident child. It's good to tackle confidence but don't worry about something that hasn't happened. In a way, it won't change the outcome.

Never forget that you're worthy and always have been, those bullies and whatever happened to you in the past probably don't even know what damage they've caused + you're a wonderful mum not wanting for this to happen to your baby (I know she's not a baby but no matter the age, they'll be our babies).

Sending lots of love x