AIBU bedtime routine chaos help!

[Booboospud]

Ok I need advice! My son just turned 4. He used to be a pleasure at bedtimes. We would read stories and have a cuddle and he would be asleep within minutes. He recently had croup which completely threw his bedtime routine and it’s become awful over the last 2 weeks.

I’m due second baby in aug and he’s recently had three new baby cousins, household changes ready first baby and about to start big school. So there’s a lot happening. I’ve tried everything I can to get him to sleep calmly but it goes on for two to four hours with screaming, throwing toys, and physically attacking me. I’ve been patient, cross, sad. Tried many things.

After tonight’s attack I’ve cracked. I’ve put in three new rules. One- Throw things, scream purposely or hurt mummy and the door is locked for a few minutes or until finally calms, with me outside (I stay by the door at all Times). Two - if out of bed I will stand in hallway with door open but completely ignore child and when he leave room i will redirect him back to bed area without speaking (I’m too pregnant to keep putting him on the bed). Three- he sits or Lays on bed and I will tuck him in and Sit at end of bed quietly not speaking whilst he gets Self To
Sleep. After an hour this evening it seemed to
Work and he even tidied up the toys he had trashed before getting self in bed and falling asleep within minutes. But I feel
Awful and I hate shutting the door, it’s
One of my biggest hates but it’s the only
Way I can ensure unborn is safe. Please
Tell me that a few minutes isn’t going to traumatise him!! 😭 I
Feel awful

Sounds like you’ve done a great job of balancing being there for your son with setting safe boundaries. I don’t think you have any reason to worry or feel bad hope his sleep improves soon!

If your partner around at Bedtime? Is he physically attacking in the day? What time is bedtime?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers my partner works alternative shifts so one week days other week nights and both clash with sleep time so I tend to do this. He will do it when not working but for consistency recently I have as child Plays up more for him at the moment. No I’m day he doesn’t hit, he’s normally quite well behaved and understands boundaries well, so we don’t usually have any issues. Bedtime was 6 but now it’s 6.30 And he sleeps through until 6-7.30am. I’ve tried extending bedtime before to 7 but he’s very active in day and By 6 he’s so tired. We have the dark
Room and cosy night light and ready stories so
We have time to
Settle. No tv before bedtime
🤷‍♀️

My only suggestions would be- pls don’t lock the door on your child- do you instead have a baby gate you could put on his door so he’s kept in the room but not a locked door?
Also I’d get rid of rule 3, you don’t want the habit that he needs you to sit there whilst he sleeps once the baby comes. Consistency and I’m sure his good bedtime routine will return. Good luck- v hard when pregnant!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers thank you, yes there is a gate in hallway outside his
Door but in the last few weeks he has shaken it in such a rage that the bottom of the gate has broken and the wall paper around the fixtures has ripped and wall Will need patches plastering there now when gate is eventually removed. 😔 so u like him to be so angry

My son had a phase like this around the same age (wish I could remember the name I had at that time to go back and look at posts). It was a bloody nightmare and nearly sent me round the bend so I sympathise with you.

I ended up doing this thing when I checked on him very frequently (like every 2-3 minutes) then gradually over a few evenings lengthened the times of the checks, until I was popping up to check only once or twice then he would fall asleep. This worked for my son when we had had an awful time trying with me removing toys, him hitting, me closing the door etc etc. Also I played a audio book so he had something to listen to when I left as he initially got set in bed.

Might not work for all children but thought it might be useful to mention in case leaving doesn’t work.

Fingers crossed what your doing works and you can get back to calmer evenings before the new baby arrives.

I can't even read through that without feeling a migraine coming on.

I'd cave but only because he needs reassurance and you need to rest so I'd let him sleep next to me on the floor on a mattress for a few nights just so that we both get some proper sleep

I never much cared about who sleeps where as long as we slept!

once you feel he is calmer then talk to him during the day. find out what bothers him & what he wants. then you'll be able to come up with a solution.

@Whatinthelord great idea about the checking and increasing times. I’ll start introducing that and extending it. He used to like listening to piano music or Underwater sounds at bed but then stopped wanting that. I did try it the other night with no success but it’s a lovely idea.

Couple of other things I did too were these

The note idea from here:

macnamara.ca/portfolio/info-graphic-when-saying-goodnight-is-hard-20-ways-to-bridge-the-nighttime-distance/?fbclid=IwAR1H9ZN8K60qn7gHtFthvmcxvdsMlVpo5FtJ_n6_iWJw0tDHPDA4e8V4Qh4

Only did it the first night or two (because who wants to be writing post it’s every night) but it was a way to show him I always check on him and I think helped him feel reassured we were there all night.

Also the first couple of nights in between checks I went to my bedroom (next to his) rather than. Downstairs. I told him I was only close abs did things like ironing and putting clothes away so even when o wasn’t in the room with him he could hear I was near by. Then a few nights in I started going downstairs.

I think these things worked for my son because his bedtime stuff was anxiety/wanting someone close for reassurance based. Obviously might not be as effective if there is another reason for lack of sleep.

Honestly the sleep stuff is so tough. Lack of sleep (for kids and/or me) has been hands down the things I have found hardest about parenting.