Friends

[PumpkinKlNG]

I have 2 children with asd, they have never had any friends at school, from the time they started they never managed to make any, they were never invited to parties or play dates and because of that I’m not friends with any of the school mums because it’s impossible making friends with mums if your kids aren’t actually friends with them. They are both adamant that they don’t want friends, well one is the other one would like friends but can’t make them and runs away if any children try to speak to her. It wasn’t so bad when they were little but as they are getting older the lack of friendships are getting more noticeable especially with the holidays and everything coming up (no friends to meet up with or play with) we also live on a main road in London so no children play out at all, they’ve never had a friend over for a play date as they wouldn’t want to. Should I be doing more to encourage friendships? I can’t really see what I can physically do though?

How old are they? I find this statement quite telling it’s impossible making friends with mums if your kids aren’t actually friends with them.

simply because it's not true...I'm very introverted but made friends with other mums in the school yard and they weren't the parents of my children's friends.

Have you thought about maybe going to the PTA meetings? And do you talk to other mums in the yard?

Erm I don’t even see the other parents anymore. I pick them up and drop them off at a different time it’s in my daughters ehcp as she found the noise of the school runs stressful so now I don’t see the other parents at all. I tried a few times to say hello to people but I didn’t get anything back 🤷‍♀️

Can’t go to PTA meetings have a younger child.

And people DO usually make friends with mums who their kids are friends with that’s usually how it starts?

Saying hello while rushing around on the school run can be tricky and the playground does help. Maybe try a hobby for them away from school? My daughter made lots more friends at dance than school and the friendships are easier as there is the shared interests, competitions etc. I am also friends with a lot of the dancers parents

I find the friendships with dd's best friends mum ok but the ones she is hot and cold with can be difficult if the kids fall out. Had a few mums want to micro analyse every incident which drove a wedge quite quickly

Yeh tbf I do find it hard becoming friends with people when my kids aren’t friends with them, really that’s the only thing we have in common that we have kids at the same age in the same school and well if they aren’t friends how do you develop a friendship! I did try to say hello to them but it wasn’t reciprocated, my children started at the school later so I don’t know if friendships were already established. I’ve thought about clubs but DD needs 1:1 which she has all day in school and couldn’t be left alone so not sure how that would work?

'And people DO usually make friends with mums who their kids are friends with that’s usually how it starts?'

It's the other way around ime. If the adults get on, the kids are forced to see each other more and friendship grows.

The kids they're friends with where you don't particularly get on with the parents you just do after-school playdates so no need to see the parents.

But it's neither here nor there really. If you're kids are happy without friends, I'd leave them be. I would sign them up for an activity over the summer though to keep up some socialisation. But I wouldn't push it.

A friend of mine who's daughter has diabetes and needs one on one took her to brownies and became a volunteer so she could be there with her.

Unfortunately I wouldn’t have anyone to have my other kids to be able to do that (I’m a lone parent) but that sounds like a good idea.

Really at a school? NuffSaidSam it’s usually the kids that make friends at school surely? You barely see the parents apart from for 5 minutes a day

I have lots of friends who's children aren't friends with my child. We just started chatting in the playground.

I'd ask in the SN chat section op. What's right fir a neurotypical child might not work for your DC

That’s good but I’m not trying to make friends myself just how to get the children to develop friendships. As I said I don’t see the parents anymore due to pick up and drop of being a different time to the other parents due to daughters asd we have a different start time and pick up time. so I don’t actually see them anymore and haven’t for a few years now, I was mainly talking in the beginning.

Thank you I think you are right BunnyRuddington

Ah ok. If they're happy without, I'd say it's fine. My mum is 62 and has one friend who she really doesn't see often and struggles with the effort for that one. Some people just don't need friends. I struggle with the upkeep of friends too so all of mine are quite understanding of me dipping in and out. When I was little friends were a struggle and I wish I'd had the guts to not have any instead of follow the crowd

'Really at a school? NuffSaidSam it’s usually the kids that make friends at school surely? You barely see the parents apart from for 5 minutes a day'

The kids make friends of course, but it's not necessarily those parents who make friends with each other.

You make friends with the parents you get along with and that usually means the kids get closer too.

I'm sure it varies school to school but at my DC school there is a strong social element (parents nights out, PTA nights, WhatsApp group etc.). It's definitely not the children leading their parents' friendships as a matter of course (sometimes I'm sure it works out that both parents and children are friends but it's certainly not a requirement to the parents making friends).

@PumpkinKlNG sn child here (now sn parent of 2 small ones). They may not need friends, I know I didn't (I still don't have many and no new ones for tens of years).

They may be better finding like-minded kids not at school but at any after school activities/hobbies? It's easier to talk to people about things you like, rather than trying to make non-sense chit chat about nothing (especially as you may have very little in common with 99% of your classmates). If they seem happy, I would leave it be. Trying to make them make friends may likely result in stress, that's quite unnecessary imo.

Oh ok yes I’ve heard about class WhatsApp etc they don’t have that at mine that I’m aware of, I looked for a Facebook group and couldn’t find one either.

ZooKeeper19 Thank you yes I feel that they are happy I guess it’s me that feels sad about it, I remember growing up I had loads of friends and we lived on a massive estate and all the kids played out together so feel a bit sad they will never experience that but I guess it’s my issue more than theirs.