I have a terrible relationship with my daughter since her sister was born

[Ancfib]

I dont know what's wrong with me. I am being an awful mother to her, that makes me feel worse and it's a circle. I'm the adult, I should know better. But she is so hard to deal with since her sister was born. Its constant and I cant get through to her at all. I feel like I'm shouting at her all day. I feel awful saying this, but I dont enjoy being around her right now. She hurts her sister and pushes and pushes me until I shout and then I feel awful. Every day I sit down with her and have a talk about being gentle with her sister, I have taken all her favourite teddies and nothing. I've tried to be calm and gentle about it but she just doesnt listen at all. For instance she was getting out of the bath and her sister was crawling around she picked her up ( i was holding on to her) but I said, ok now, please put her down. And it's like I didnt say anything, then she started jumping while holding her, so I said firmly but calmly that's enough, please put her down. Nothing. So I just lost it. And I screamed at her to just please listen and put her down. It's so tiring. This happens about 10+ times a day. She will pinch her and pull her legs, hit her on the head. She 'hugs' her infront of me and squeezes the life out of her just to get me to shout at her. I feel so guilty constantly. All I do is worry about her. I used to enjoy her so much, now I feel like she is such a chore. I cant shake this feeling that I'm such an awful person for having these feelings. I dont want to talk to anyone around me as I dont want them to judge me. I shouldn't compare my life but its honestly seems like everyone is so happy with 2, and I love my children so much, I'm just finding it so hard. I'm failing my first daughter, I'm worried she will never forgive me for how I have been since her sister has been here, I'm worried we will never be the same again because of me. I just wish I could get through to her. Almost crying writing this, I feel so awful.

I think she might feel neglected since the baby arrived. Do you have the option to spend a day with your daughter alone while dad looks after the baby?

How old are your children? They sound very young.

Taking away her favourite things while (in her eyes) giving all your love and attention to a new sibling is going to achieve absolutely nothing.

Screaming at her? Are you alone with them?

I warned her if she keeps hurting her I will have to take something. And she did, so I did. I have tried so hard to give her so much attention. But her dad works and is in the army so it's just me alot of the time. :( It was more of a shout I suppose. They are both young. My baby is very clingy too which makes it even harder. We went out all day today whatever she wanted to do. And she was good for the most part. But I had a chat with her about picking thing up on off the floor when we were as she picked up a beer bottle. And I explained calmly why we dont, but she would look at me and run and pick something up. Just because I asked her not too. I know shes testing the limits but it's so hard :(

Where's your DH in all of this? Does your DD1 get any time with you, without her sister around? And please give her her teddies back.
She's having to share you, you're constantly riled with her and don't even like her right now. She's picking up on that. Her sister is getting your attention and you seemingly like her more than her. And she hasn't even got her favourite teddies for comfort.
Do you do anything with your DD1 that doesn't involve her sister being around or that's related to talking about her?
I think she's just feeling so pushed out right now.

She wants your attention badly and even negative attention is better than nothing in her eyes. Huge change for her and she is probably wrestling with lots of uncomfortable and new feelings ( for her) jealously and feeling neglected etc. Can you spend one on one tie with her and talk about all the benefits of having a sibling, how it’s hard now but when she is older then can do stuff together? Can you get her to feel helpful and wanted, like ask her to fetch nappies or help bathe the baby etc. Make it fun?

How young is young?

How old is she??

These comments are making me feel a bit worse, am I really awful like I think? Am I a bad mother/person? ::( I thought someone might have the same feelings as me :( maybe not. If anyone has any advice on improving the relationship between yourself and.your children it would be great to hear, or if you went through something similar.

It's hard to give advice as we dont know whether your daughter is 18 months or 6 years old..theres a big difference

Sorry, shes 6 and my second is 9 months

I'm sorry if I made you feel worse. I didn't mean too.

So, my DD is a bloody nightmare for pushing boundaries. Very very very strong willed, I didn't have anymore children (as only wanted one). But parenting her was (and still is now she's 8!) hard at times.
I found with her, if I shouted/lost my cool, she used that all the more, she knew exactly what to do to push that button over and over. And boy did she try. The only thing that worked with her was me being incredibly calm, and when really pushing it, icy calm. She actually reacted better to me then. But I'm not known for patience. It was so hard at that time.
She needs some time with just you and her. Put baby down for a nap and play a game with her. Don't use the time to do chores etc. Focus it on DD1. Or put DD2 to bed and have some extra snuggles and books with DD1.
Get her involved with DD2, can she point out the colours in books to DD2, because DD1 is so much bigger and more grown up. Can she help get nappies, toys, snacks for her. Tons and tons and tons of praise for any good behaviour right now.

Can you try to bolster her up a bit by being very positive so that the occasional negative comment from you doesn't hurt her feelings?
Well done , Thankyou, what a lovely picture, what a helpful girl you are, how thoughtful, what good running, what a kind big sister etc etc She is trying to attract your attention. Spend some time with her everyday in which she decides what you do and when there is no possibility of baby interrupting. It doesn't have to be long but it should be sacrosanct .

She wants your attention. Bad attention is better than none. How much one to one without the baby does she get with you?

I have a similar age gap. How much undivided attention is your eldest getting? She is probably feeling pushed out and crying out for attention. Taking all of her soft toys away isn't going to help.

She wants attention, even negative. My DD was the same, toy removal did nothing. Can you not do time outs? It's hard to advise when no one knows her age.
I would be saying to my DD in this situation "please stop doing X, it's not nice. If you don't listen you'll have to go in time out".
She'll soon learn that bad behaviour gets her time on her own and no attention, which is the opposite of what she wants.
I hope someone manages to give you an idea that works for you and her 💐

I made a lot of noise about how ds1 and I were a team and I did have to baby him a lot when his brother was born.

I put ds1 in nursery to get guilt free time with "yucky" ds2. It was nice relatively quite time ds2. Ds2 was a very high maintenance baby.

Ds2 was called "yucky baby" with a smile on my face for a few months (till ds1 said enough it is not a nice name for my brother).

We also went for long walks outside, as ds2 was safe in his pushchair and I could talk to ds1 undisturbed. On most days we had two walks a day and a tired ds1 would not hurt his brother and get lot of attention.

She just wants your attention. She is just a little girl. You/mums are hard-wired to protect their babies at all costs and that includes older siblings sometimes. I understand you can't help your feelings, but nor can she, except she doesn't know what her feelings are, she's just acting them out/demonstrating them to you.

Try if you can to resist constantly appearing to protect the baby from her. Try to sometimes appear to protect her from the baby - for example if the baby's crying, you could say gently to the baby "shush now, you're disturbing dd" - that sort of thing.

That's hard - I thought you were going to say eldest daughter was 2 or 3. Six is old enough to have a modicum of understanding about babies needing looked after but mummy still loving her etc. I suppose she had you to herself for quite a long time before the second one arrived so it's been a big shock to her system.

I agree with all of the others re attention - are you able to lovebomb her? That could help her feel loved and secure. And do special big girl and mummy things that baby is too small to do, afternoon tea, dance class or whatever it might be just make a really big deal of how she and mummy love to do those things together.

Reading through I thought she was a toddler, maybe 2 or 3. Not 6! She should know not to hurt the baby, attention seeking or not I would be very cross too.
It’s stressful but you will all get there, adjusting to a new sibling is hard. I’m lucky in a way that my eldest was not even 2 as he adapted very quickly & is now very paternal with my youngest (I have a 5, 3 & 3 month old).
You are not a terrible mother

I just wanted you to know you are certainly not alone in finding going from one child to two very difficult. I did. I have a 3.8 and a now 18 month old. I will be completely honest and open by saying since my eldest turned 3 I have found it extremely difficult. I have shouted when he has pushed the boundaries and tried to pinch, hot or snatch off his brother. I think anyone who says they have never shouted is not being honest.

Can you get your DD a doll so she can pretend to feed her baby and dress her baby or is she too old for that?

Agree they try to calve some one on one time with your eldest but also time altogether as a family is also important. You will probably find it will become a bit easier when your youngest starts to do s bit more and therefore become a bit more interesting to your eldest.

You are most definitely not a bad person, you are only explaining feelings many of us experience at times. Please try to keep up you own sense of self and wellbeing as they helps an awful lot I think to feel a bit more positive. You are doing great. Have an early night of possible and tomorrow is a new day.

Thank you all. I honestly think airing how I felt has lifted this weight I've had on my shoulders. I'm feeling very emotional tonight. I just went in to her as she was looking at books we read in her bed, she does this if she cant fall asleep straight away and we chatted and read them again. I gave her a big hug and I just wanted to cry. I am going to try harder from today, I feel like I've had this huge cloud over me and I put it there. I've been so nervous about everything since having my second and I haven't managed my emotions well. I'm really going to try and turn a new leaf now, I know it wont happen over night but I know I need to focus more on being calm and meeting her needs. And what someone commented about focusing on her rather than chores, I'm so bad at that, trying to get everything done, why? What's the point it's just going to get messy again!

I take it you’ve realised you’ve had a name change fail?

However she’s craving attention. Kids don’t realise about positive and negative attention and feel either satisfies their need for attention.

I’d try and organise days with her and only her. That might help.

So my two girls are 6 and 4.

6 is generally quite quiet and bookish. 4 is the Tasmanian devil. She is a big personality and a bit of a wildcard so probably does get more of my attention day to day.

Six’s behaviour was awful for a time. Tantrums over me liking her sister more than her etc. Nothing seemed to help.

I’ve now started taking 6 out by herself after work on a Friday night. She has a class that she goes to at 5 and then I take her shopping - just a wee wander round home bargains or something. We listen to our special Friday playlist in the car and she tells me about school etc

It’s made a huge difference. Huge.