MiL Demanding Alone Time With The Grandkid

[Wildflower222]

My MIL has always, in the past, been allowed to come and pick up our daughter as often as she liked. Sometimes as frequently as two times a week, from the time our daughter was around a couple months old. (I should note that I am a SAHM who doesn't typically need babysitting, so these occasions were always more for her than for us).
We have since been dealing with issues of her not respecting our decisions, being demanding, pushy and controlling, etc. And have been attempting to take a step back to try to gain some control over our own lives. We have still been making time for her and letting her see the grandkid however (about every other week), just with all of us together.
This has been met with lots of drama and has been a stressful process though.
She continues to demand to take our daughter alone frequently (twice a week). I have a very bad gut feeling about her behavior and why she would push for this so intensely, I just can't pinpont what it is exactly. The more she pushes, the more uneasy I feel. My question is, what some of the reasons or motivations behind her behaving like this could be? Or if anyone has first hand experiences or insights that are similar that they could share? Thank you!

Btw - I should also note that we have attempted to discuss issues with her a few times. She will disregard and pretend she doesn't know what we are talking about/play victim. Or if I mention something (I always try to be polite) she will turn around and complain to my husband and act like I was mean to her....so talking to her about these things is clearly not going to work.

She also smokes cigarettes, so I am trying to start prioritizing my daughter's health in a way that I am kicking myself for not standing up about sooner. I want to limit her exposure to 2nd/3rd hand smoke. My MIL's car and the car seat she keeps in there smell of cigarettes and I feel uneasy about this. My daughter is only 2 years old.

Your child, your rules. Definitely don't allow your dd near her smoke. I'm a granny who smokes, but never round anything to do with my grand children. They don't even know i smoke. I'm always clean and smoke free, it can be done. See how serious she is, tell her no chance as you can't trust her house to be smoke free as her car certainly isn't.
Good luck, and don't give into weird demands.

A cynical person would say she's trying to establish a pattern of having her for when your husband leaves you

Is she a different culture?

A child that young should not regularly be exposed to her smoking.

Does she smoke with your DD in the car? If she does then that is actually illegal.

This woman doesn't respect you. I would only be allowing occasional supervised contact with your DD. Never when you are not present.

@gillysSong it sounds like you handle smoking around your grandkids very well! My MIL always claims she is super careful yet so many times my daughter has returned smelling of smoke....

@LaurieFairyCake That's interesting I hadn't thought of that one. It currently feels like she is trying to pit my husband and I against each other so that may not be such a cynical thought actually. She isn't a different culture, but definitely some parallels there with what you might see more typically in some other cultures.

@Topseyt Yes. The disrespect is one of the main issues. Blatant disrespect towards me and even towards my husband, her own son. I'm just trying to piece together why on earth she acts this way. I know it won't change anything but sometimes having insights helps with handling things better.

“no”
“That doesn’t work for us”
“Why don’t you come round so we can do (other thing) instead?”

And repeat. It’s not her child. She doesn’t get to play dollies with her as and when she wants.

It may be that she wants to show your daughter off to her friends, or that she just wants one on one time with her, which I think lots of grandparents enjoy.

That said though, if she's blatantly and repeatedly disregarding things you've asked her to do/not to do then she must understand she has forfeited her right to look after your child alone.

What has she said when you've explained the reasons why she's not no longer able to have her alone?

@EssentialHummus Yes, I agree. Trying that but it seems to be in one ear and out the other. Guilt is a huge factor that she uses against us. Makes it hard. She has seemingly unending energy to stir up trouble til she gets what she wants.

@Bibidy I guess I'm worried that she has ulterior motives because of the way she's going about it. When we have tried to discuss issues with her, she will either swear up and down that it won't be an issue anymore and then prompty ask to take the grandkid again. Trust has been broken so this feels odd and rushed. Or, pretend like she doesn't know what we're talking about, blow it off, then act like the discussion never happened. There's no acknowledgment or communication. She doesn't seem willing to meet us where we are at or work around our schedule. Everything has to be on her terms and if she doesn't get what she wants, she raises hell. The persistent pushing, coupled with manipulations and guilt trips for one. Also she goes behind my back to my husband often, trying to go around me to get our daughter and manipulate him into saying yes without my knowledge. Sometimes she makes it out like I'm mean to her to stir fights between us. Apparently I'm the scapegoat. She won't take responsibility or look at reasons for why we might be backing away.

This sounds like an exp's dm. She was just an utter nightmare with everything. Honestly don't let her make you feel guilty. You need to protect your DD.

The exp had a DD from a previous relationship. She used to slag off the child's mother in her hearing. Exp was pretty spineless - one of the reasons he's an ex!

Okay.
As a grandmother who wanted/loved "alone time" with my grandchildren, I will tell you: It's memories and dreams.
I would push the stroller and "talk" to her about the times I used to push her mother along the same path. About the day a butterfly landed on her mother's chubby little hand (and she tried to eat it!)
I would take her into local stores, the post office, etc. where I had friends and bask in the "Oh isn't she pretty, she looks just like you" comments. She doesn't but I don't want to contradict. That would be rude.
When I put her to sleep, I watch her and try to imagine what she will be like at two, at four, at fifteen. Will she be a ballerina like her mom or play football like her Dad? Will she be good in school? Will she be shy or outgoing? Will she like dogs? How old will she need to be before I can get her first puppy? (Answer to that was 6 and a Yorkie)
So that is why grandmothers want alone time. We are not plotting to steal them. You are and always will be the mother. But when we are alone, we get to have thoughts and memories that we don't want to can't share with you.

Does your MIL live on her own? If she does, and the fact that she has had your daughter regularly from a very young age, it sounds like she is now treating your daughter as a possession and has the expectation that she can just do what she likes when she likes. She sounds quite manipulative and you need to stand up to her, easier said than done I know. Don't be frightened to make the rules where your own daughter is concerned, your MIL is going to have to learn that there are boundaries and she is massively stepping over them.

Just a different perspective but children are very different when they arent with their parents and it can be easier to form a relationship when one to one as mums are like the centre of a childs universe so the child focuses on mum. Im not sure if im making sense but both my mum and MIL both loved time alone with my children. They didnt have any ulterior motive.
I also think many mums and MILs feel under scrutiny and it makes them a bit tense, wheras they can relax when its just them.

Obviously you are uncomfortable thats important. I was just giving a different perspective.

I appreciate the input and some of the different perspectives in there. However I should probably clarify, she isn't just asking to have the grandkid alone, she's demanding and putting up a huge fuss about it. We have let her have our daughter unsupervised numerous times over the years and eventually started to realize we were being undermined and disrepected. This is why we pulled away. Not to deprive her of special grandparent time.
It's also an issue that if she "asks" and we tell her it's not a good time, she won't accept it, she'll continue to denand and push. (She's even invited herself over to our home a few times in this fashion). In her mind there is no good reason for us to ever say "no" to her. It begins to feel like she is running our life and we have no say. My own parents offer to help out now and again to give us a date night, but there is no compulsive need to have our kid alone, let alone so frequently. And they, as a whole, let us come to them and don't make excessive demands on our time either. This is what worries me and this is the behavior I need insights on. Anyone with similar experiences?

@bizzybizzybee she lives with her husband, but he works a lot and never seems to be around, so what you say might still be true.
Thank you for the input! It is definitely easier said than done..especially when so many emotions weigh into balance. It's not always so simple in practice.
The confusing part is weeding out the truth, and trying to do the right thing. She will raise hell, then play nice. Disrespect us, then play victim. It has my head spinning.

Letting her have the contact she did might be setting you up for problems if she decides to make an application to the court for leave to make an application for contact. She can demonstrate to the Court that she has regularly had contact.

@Wildflower222

I appreciate the input and some of the different perspectives in there. However I should probably clarify, she isn't just asking to have the grandkid alone, she's demanding and putting up a huge fuss about it. We have let her have our daughter unsupervised numerous times over the years and eventually started to realize we were being undermined and disrepected. This is why we pulled away. Not to deprive her of special grandparent time. It's also an issue that if she "asks" and we tell her it's not a good time, she won't accept it, she'll continue to denand and push. (She's even invited herself over to our home a few times in this fashion). In her mind there is no good reason for us to ever say "no" to her. It begins to feel like she is running our life and we have no say. My own parents offer to help out now and again to give us a date night, but there is no compulsive need to have our kid alone, let alone so frequently. And they, as a whole, let us come to them and don't make excessive demands on our time either. This is what worries me and this is the behavior I need insights on. Anyone with similar experiences?

I agree with MildredPuppy that children are very different away from their parents as they will obviously go to their parent as default, so I can see why it's nice for grandparents to have them alone.

However, from what you've said above I think you have done the right thing to nip it in the bud. She is getting way too involved and not taking no for an answer, that's not OK. She needs to respect that this is yours & your husband's child, not hers.