Unreasonable mother / Separation anxiety

[Daddy9512]

Thought I'd come here for some advise, understanding and see if there are any other potential people that have faced/ facing the same thing.

I am a proud father of a soon-to-be 2 year old girl.

The mother of my daughter and I are no longer together. Since being separated, I feel mum has been extremely unreasonable, even after what I thought was a relatively success Mediation session.

Firstly, we met at uni and both resided in different locations of the country at that time 1.5-2hours apart. Following separation I returned to my hometown, and at the beginning would travel every weekend to see my daughter, this then increased to a 1 night stay. Mum would not agree to meet anywhere. If I wanted to see my daughter I "Had to collect" her from mums address. Whereas, I believed the responsibility should have been shared and meeting somewhat half way was fairer.

Moving on, I'm consistently being told I can only have my daughter for 1 night at a time, every 2 weeks. Which, with the travel involved, is extremeley difficult for me to maintain my daughters daily routine. Every time I request an extra day I am told a stern no (although when mum met a new partner towards the end of last year, I was allowed to have her for more than 1 night; they've since separated and I've been told to wait til my daughter is 2!) I am conscious and worried this will get pushed back again. I am also told by mum that our daughter has separation anxiety, so 2 nights away from mum is too much for her. However, when I have my daughter she is happy, full of energy and very rarely mentions or asks for mum. Is the request for 2 nights really unreasoanble on my behalf? Should my daughter have separation anxiety, which I'm not sure it's as severe my ex is making out? Reading about separation anxiety mainly presses on routine. A break in routine makes it more apparent, If I were able to have my daughter for the 2 nights, I can be more consistent with the routine, as she isn't subject to 4 hours of driving in 2 days, instead spread across 3 days.

I believe the real issue is mum has separation anxiety, and in turn is spiteful denying more time for my daughter and myself to spend together.
For those of you that have experienced separation anxiety personally or your children have, how was this combatted and did you reduce overnight stays with Dad or did you find that increasing helped?

Your ex partner is responsible for your child all week and you choose to move away so morally you should be responsible for the travelling rather than making your toddler make the journey.

Two years old is very young for 2 nights away from Mum. The courts would generally say one night away from after 2 years old.

Ultimately in the long term if you want a close relationship with your child you are going to have to move closer otherwise when she starts school she will miss out on the opportunity to do extra curricular activities, learn sports or go to friends’ parties.

I think it’s your responsibility to travel since you chose to move away. It’s hard, but the reality is you’re never going to be a consistent feature of your daughter’s life if you live two hours away. If you lived closer, you could have her for the day more regularly and therefore build up close contact without the pressure of overnights.

I can see where you are both coming from on overnights at the moment - you could definitely be more consistent with 2 nights at a time, but it is a bit long for such a young child to be away from her primary carer. I think it would be worth waiting til she’s a little older before moving to two nights.

In the meantime I would give serious thought to moving closer. You will want to be a part of her life as she grows; you can only do that if you live nearby.

I would seek legal advice, so a proper plan can be put in place

You need to move closer to your daughter though. It's too far for any really meaningful relationship at this young age.

Ideally, for your child you would split parenting 50/50 or thereabouts and that just isn't possible with two hours between you and her.

In general though, two nights away from her mum with another trusted adult is absolutely fine.

You need to move closer, then you could have a night in the week and eow access easily with a court order. I would suggest getting a court access order sooner rather than later and put in what you reasonably think is OK in terms of birthdays, Christmas and fathers day.

I agree with pp to put everything into moving close, and then seek a night during the week as well.

2 nights away is totally fine at 2 years old.

I'd move closer so you can see your daughter more easily and more frequently. You chose to move away so it's up to you to travel.

OP you need to go back to court, hopefully it could be again sorted in mediation but it may need to go fully to court to have a contact order agreed.

People are saying you should move closer but in reality you might not be able to do that right now or anytime soon - so in the meantime it’s important that you get your contact order in place so you’ve got regular, routine contact with her.

It might be that you have to do the full weekend every other weekend or you do 2 nights each week - whatever works best for both you and your ex.

As much as you’d like to keep this amicable and avoid legal routes etc - it’s not possible, you don’t have a good amicable friendship. It sounds fractious and she’s beginning to show signs of withholding access.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt she could be struggling with it all, being a single parent the majority of the time etc - get it sorted properly .

2 years old is not too young to stay 2 nights away from her mum, you are her parent and are entitled to fair share of access and time with her, to build your relationship. But it does need to be fair OP, it can’t all be in her favour but also it can’t all be in yours.

Go back to court, work it all out officially, there’s no other option tbh

Why did you move away from your daughter? Not living close by isn’t ideal now and it will only get harder as she gets older.

If moving back for her sake isn’t an option, morally you should do the travelling.

Separation anxiety is common in children her age. I understand that it’s frustrating but with you so far away and unable to do extra visits through the week, her mum is naturally going to be the person she feels most comfortable with.

Yes, you need to move closer and be involved in her life. I couldn't imagine moving 2 hours away from my kids, even if we split up. The responsibility is on me as an adult and unless it was because I was escaping abuse and needed to move us all away to keep us safe, there's no excuse for not living locally. New flats and new jobs can always be found, especially if you've had two years to sort it out.

Realistically, I assume she has already or will be soon starting nursery, and then school. How would you get her to nursery or school after an overnight living 1.5 hours away? How would you easily be there for a medical appointment? Could you take an entire day off work for travel to attend the school play or sports day or the million other small things parents should be there for?

It sounds like your focus on on overnights, but it's really the day-to-day time and parenting that really matters. You want to be there for that, the pick ups in the afternoon and appointments and holidays, etc.