Am I look after my toddler enough?

[Floopyandtired]

I have DS1 who is 3 years 8 months and a 4 week old baby. DS1 is in preschool 2.5 days a week (the full days are short days), and my MIL is kindly watching him 1 day a week while I find my feet with the baby. The other 1.5 week days and obviously weekends he’s at home with me. I received a comment from a family member yesterday expressing shock I was spending so little time with DS1 while I’m on mat leave and it’s really irked me.

I have found adjusting from 1 to 2 quite difficult: the baby sleeps well at night but is unsettled and hard to please during the day. Nothing remarkable, just newborn unsettled behaviour. My motivation for keeping DS1 in preschool and having a day with my MIL is as much for him as it is for me; he loves preschool and has some lovely friends there. He’s also spoiled rotten by my in laws whenever he sees them.

But now I’m wondering if I should be keeping him at home with me more. I’m a bit hormonal and easily upset at the moment so I’d appreciate a bit of outside perspective. Thank you!

Don't let one comment de-rail what seems like a great set-up for your DS and yourself and the new baby.
You are very fortunate to be able to spend quality time with your new baby and your son seems really happy so I don't see any problem at all.

Tell your friend to f* off!

They’d have hated me, I left my three year in full time nursery 3 days a week whilst I dealt with her little sister. She loved it and I thought it would be disruptive to pull her out. She’s not suffered as far as I can see!

*family member, sorry

Home is over-rated for small children, they’d far rather be rioting with their mates than watching CBeebies whilst you wash up, shower, feed the baby etc. Just make sure you try to spend quality time with him a few times a week when he is with you.

I only have 1 child so can't comment from personal experience, but I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. You are giving your son a routine and stability, bringing a new sibling into the mix can be a big upheaval so going to pre-school shows your son that not everything has changed.
You still have days with both of them together, and days where you are spending 1-1 time getting to know your new baby girl.
Ignore the family member.

Your friend would hate me. Im on leave from my old job, and going to start a new job but not until sept. My DS still goes to nursery though for 3 or 4 days a week. It'd be bonkers to pull him out for 3 months to then start him all over again. Everyone has an opinion on the best way to parent and its invariably the way they do it. Just keep doing what works for you.

I think it's OK for now while you find your feet, but from my own experience with young kids and then adding a baby, aim to spend more time with the toddler, they need more time and attention from you, not less, while you're adjusting to the new family set up.

Oh ignore them! They'd have made an equally daft comment had you taken him out of nursery, I can guarantee it. I remember my Grandmother moaning that I hadn't put dc1 in to childcare when Dc2 was born (they were only 14 months apart).

Are you happy with the current setup? Does DS1 seem happy? If so,all is good.

I struggled on with two under two when DS2 was born as I didn't have DS1 in any sort of childcare (I'm a SAHM) and didn't want to start leaving him with grandparents because we'd never done it much before and I didn't want him to feel pushed out by the new baby. Big mistake, it was really hard and I would have probably been doing us all a big favour by asking for a bit of help.

I also feel like I missed out on a lot of DS2 being a baby because there was just never a chance to stop and take it all in.

If I could have my time again, I'd have put DS1 in nursery for a day a week from the age of one, then I'd have been able to increase his days if I needed to when the new baby arrived without having to settle him in a new childcare arrangement.

Enjoy your time with your lovely new baby

At that age my child was in school full time.

Are you in England? If so he's starting school FT in September, he's not a toddler, the pre school and spending time with the GPs is good for him.

And it's got naff all to do with your friend anyway!

It’s got nothing to do with anyone else! My plan when I had my baby last year was to keep my older one in pre school to keep his routine and to have some time with the baby. But covid changed that and he was stuck at home in lockdown instead! So enjoy the break. It would be different if he hated it but he doesn’t so carry on.

Thank you everyone for the responses. To answer some questions, I am happy with the set up as I don’t think I’d be coping very well with two right now. My baby is a great night sleeper but does not nap in the day no matter what. I see so many posts about how a second baby just slots in, naps on the go or sleeps in the sling etc but mine doesn’t do that. So although I would love to have DS 1 here more often I think I’d find it overwhelming and he’d feel ignored and resentful.

Also DS1 is an autumn baby so won’t start school until September 2022.

I think I’m just feel very anxious and guilty about this all. It’s difficult.

Small children need lots of stimulation. Nursery is brilliant for him, much more fun than tiptoeing around a newborn.

Sounds to me like to have a good balance. 2.5 short days at Nursery, one day with Grandma and the other half the week with Mummy.

Sounds fine to me & your family member needs to butt out

( I’ve had “comments” from a family member about the fact I sometimes put DC in nursery on my day off (for a morning or short day) so I can exercise / have some “me” time. And yeah it makes you feel crappy so I understand)

My friend's child is the same age and has begged to be allowed to do full days instead of half days at preschool. Your child is old enough to genuinely benefit from the social and educational elements of preschool. Also with a new baby it would be a bad idea to change your older child's routine any more than its been changed already. I'm sure he absolutely loves getting his granny's full attention :)

Sounds absolutely fine to me OP. Spot on, in fact.

If DS1 is happy, the baby is getting all the same attention that DS1 got, Granny is happy, and you (until your friend got judgy) are happy… crack on. Seriously. You’ve devised a system that works for everyone. You should be feeling smug not guilty.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene You are living the f*ing dream!!

Sounds ideal to me. If he did those days before the baby came he won't think it's because of the new baby and it offers stability for him. Plus at 3 spending time with other kids his age in a pre-school environment is good for him as is one on one time with his grandmother. Also you get time for just you and the new baby like you had with your firstborn. My firstborn is at school but she will have some days at holiday childcare in the Summer as it's more fun for her to be with kids her age than a baby.