Parents of highly strung children

[Whiteshake]

I'm floundering with a 3 year old whose basically constantly pressing for "what's next." I feel persistently jittery and rushed off my feet in her company, I regularly drop and smash crockery through rushing because she's so impatient.
She asks loads of questions all the time, does an activity for all of 10 minutes before she's on to the next thing, will only watch TV for 10 minutes too so no chance of getting jobs done. My son (older) is more laid back and easy-going, I'm still adjusting to this tornado child.
She's very loving and settles easily in the afternoons for a 30 minute cuddle and does get immersed in activities sometimes so I'm sure she doesn't have ADHD or anything like that. She's also very quiet at nursery, but they have commented on her being very advanced for her age so perhaps it's this. She only goes to nursery 1.5 days and I'm wondrring if it's not enough? She seems to require a lot of stimulation.

What I'm finding really tough though is the tantrums. If I don't do what she wants straight away or she has to wait for something, she's whining and crying at me. I feel rushed. Leaving for the school run to collect or take my son to school is awful because there will be something she would rather do instead. She's very strong minded and determined and we are often late because she wants a particular pair of shoes or a particular toy to take. I'm finding it draining. It feels an awful lot of pressure to keep her entertained on top of doing jobs at home etc. I used to be able to get a lot done when my son was 3. She is so much different.

At weekends, my DH has her for a day during one of my work days and he is able to mow the lawn, do DIY, wash the car when she's around. I feel like a failure. She is still high needs with DH but allows him to do more, but my son is also home and plays with her so this could be why it's easier.

I so want to enjoy my days at home with her, but I don't. We also go swimming, are in an adventure group that does climbing, exploring and we go to the park/run errands but she doesn't give up. Even at the park, she goes on something for seconds before she's on to the next thing and she's yelling "get me off, get me off." Car journeys are intense and she demands different songs on and can't just let the disney CD play through.

It's full on. She's upstairs having down time now and has actually been watching TV for 40 minutes, which is great, but it doesn't ease the craziness and mental chaos of the 4 hours previous to this time. I've shouted at her today in rage and said there is only me and I can't do everything all at once, ended up crying.

Any tips or kind words?

Anyone?

I can empathise OP. My firstborn is very much like this, and although he has grown out of it a bit, at age 7 he still wants quite a lot of my input and attention. I get the whole feeling of being overwhelmed by his demands and requests and have frequently shouted that I am just one person with one pair of hands.

My DC is autistic, which we found out when he was about 5. For him, that is part of the reason he is the way he is. But I can’t comment for your child. Basically as far as he’s concerned, he seems to have a fairly constant state of moderate to high anxiety which drives some of his less desirable behaviours.

Sounds exhausting!

At 3 her sense of time and order is very fuzzy. Drawing her a simple order of activities for the next 2-3 things might help. Just simple line drawings, eg you could say:
"Now Mummy is cooking" while drawing a stick figure with a saucepan "and dd is playing Lego" while drawing a Lego brick.

"Next Mummy will read a book with dd" while drawing a book, "and then we will have a snack" while drawing an apple.

Dd can then take the sheet of paper with her, and it will help her keep track of what's happening. If she's anything like my dc she will re-tell the sequence to herself or her toys over and over. Possibly coming back to you for confirmation, until she is used to using these 'timetables'.

I have a tornado child too. I don't actually have advice because he makes me feel jittery, anxious and rushed all the time too! Just letting you know you're definitely not a failure (that or we're both failures ) and it is bloody hard work and you're not the only one who feels that way!

Take heart that this can be a sign of an intelligent child who is secure in their ability to control their surroundings. But at the same time, you need to establish boundaries . You are in charge and she needs to respect that . Perhaps a small chart for the day so she knows what to expect next ie. after snack , mummy is going to do ironing and you are doing Lego .. Just a suggestion but I know it is not easy .
And absolutely yes , she and you could benefit from more nursery days if possible . At 3 , daily would be ideal.

She's very loving and settles easily in the afternoons for a 30 minute cuddle and does get immersed in activities sometimes so I'm sure she doesn't have ADHD or anything like that.

Hyperfocus is an ADHD thing just as much as a lack of focus. My girl with ADHD does all the above.

Not saying yours does but girls present differently so don't assume anything.

Boundaries are your best friend with a child like this and making sure she knows the plan. My daughter is like this and if I need to get something done I will clearly lay out the plan for the next 15-30 minutes. If she is picky with clothes/ shoes, give her a choice. If she doesn't make a choice in under a minute then you make the choice for her and then stick to it. If you give in, she will run circles around you. She sounds like a very intelligent child, maybe she needs more activities to do that require skill. If I want my daughter to sit and play for a bit while I get jobs done, I find I have to give her my undivided attention for about five minutes and then I can do my jobs. So I will explain right five minutes of playtime with me and then I'm going to do xyz while you do some colouring in for example. Children like this like to be in control and so if they know the plan, they respond better.

Really like the idea of a timetable/schedule for her. I actually make one for myself to give my own day structure but hadn't thought of making one for her! This is exactly what she needs.

She would be more likely to watch TV for 20 minutes in the morning whilst I hang the washing out if she knew what was next. I've downloaded some printable pictures, thanks for all your responses. They've been great.

Sounds very similar to DD1

I would say: more nursery, will occupy and tire her out more. Maybe a mornings only nursery and then you have quieter afternoons? That may not work with your work though.

Also: learning to read was a major turning point for us as that gave DD something she could sit down and get immersed in (she loved books even before she could read). Hang in there

My DS is exactly like this (also 3) so watching with interest. I may try a visual timetable with him. I sympathise, it is exhausting and I too feel rushed a lot of the time. He may have adhd but I'm not convinced, I just think he's quite smart and needs a lot of input/direction at the moment as he's still so small. Nursery definitely helps, he is well behaved there but they often mention that he 'asks a lot of questions' (basically chews their ears off too ). Maybe they will mellow out at some point, good luck OP.

I used to use a timer with mine, like an egg timer which rings. So my DD knew she was on an activity until it rang - allowing me to cook / tidy etc.

Sand timers save my sanity. We got a box on Amazon with timers from 1 min/3/5/10/15 & 30 mins for about £12.
He likes the visual “countdown” and it saves the incessant nagging when he can see it isn’t time yet. Paired with the above suggested timeline for her could really help?

Have you tried playing with her for a short time and then saying “Right, now mum is going to cook and you’re going to play with your toys” (and sticking to it)? I battle with how much of my attention DD (3) wants sometimes so I sit down with her to do something focused (book, game, whatever) and let her know that when it’s finished she’s going to find something to do herself and I’m going to do some other thing. When I go off she sometimes comes along and tries to draw me in but I remind her - we played a game together, now you’re playing by yourself for a bit and mum is cooking. Go play.

It doesn’t always work but it usually does. I’m not a 24/7 children’s entertainer. I expect her to learn to entertain herself a bit with the (many) resources at her disposal.

Just a thought, in case the issue isn’t attention span but conditioning/expectation.

You can download pictogrammer for free. I used it with my asd ds.

Id recommend reading

• the explosive child
• autism a practical guide for parents

Not saying there is autism but when I was at a class for parents of asd kids and we were given concrete strategies when a childcare professional said but these approaches work with most children.

I’d agree with @StrictlyAFemaleFemale regarding the ASD parenting techniques. They were sold to me as being basically ‘gold standard’ parenting. Work with all children, but necessary for ASD. Eg the picture timetable is very much a social story type approach.

Hyperfocus is an ADHD thing just as much as a lack of focus. My girl with ADHD does all the above.

This is true, although it's often too early to tell with toddlers. I have ADHD and had/have no problems concentrating on things I enjoyed. My daughter (2.5) is exactly as how you describe your DD and it's so exhausting. I'm constantly on edge, rushing around, only being able to half-finish things and always with the fear of an accident or tantrum happening any second. I'm in fight or flight mode for 13 hours a day and it feels like my mind is on verge of breakdown by the end of the day. (DH is pretty much useless as he works long hours and disappears as soon as DD gets difficult).

Unfortunately I don't have much advice except learning to adapt my routine to hers. Mornings are the worst for impatience and fussiness so I just give her milk and breakfast and try to get out of the house asap. Then we'd go to a playground where she gets her energy out and I find she's more relaxed afterwards so I can keep her in the stroller for 30-60mins to do food shopping. I always have a few small, cheap toys in my bag just in case she starts a tantrum someplace far from home or the car.

I find telling her exactly what's going to happen helps a bit. Things like "we are going to the playground and then the supermarket and will be home for lunch" or "we are going to your grandparents and will be there in 30mins and they are so excited to see you". Even though she doesn't have a real concept of time, I think she needs some reassurance about what's going on. I was like as a child and had a lot of anxiety from being dragged to place to place by adults without knowing why or for how long.

House chores, especially cooking, are very difficult because she keeps interrupting. I limit cooking to extremely basic stuff like toast, pasta or warming something up. I meal prep for dinner while she's napping so I can just throw things in a pan or in the oven later on.

My child is like this and is now 14. Can spend hours on one task if it captures his attention but does everything else in a rush. It's exhausting and puts me on edge, so I know how you feel. Add in teenage emotional swings, and I'm feeling at the end of my tether quite a lot.

My advice would be firstly to be firm and set boundaries if you're trying to finish a chore. My son would have pushed and pushed but ultimately it was a battle of wills that we had to win in order to have a balanced family life (I have a very easy going older son). Find activities which she likes and have an end point so it's harder for her to stop after 10 minutes and want to do something else. My son loved jigsaws so they were good for 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted peace (he'll still do jigsaws with me). Perhaps find an energy consuming sporting activity - he did swimming and football at 3 and that took the edge off the whirlwind of energy somewhat.

He's more demanding of me than his dad which is hard at times as we all have limited supplies of patience and the constant pushing of boundaries can lead to arguments and raised stress levels. On the plus side, he does very well at school and at sport when he can put that focus and concentration onto one thing. My friends and family think he's very entertaining as he's so full of beans and enthusiasm but they don't have to live with him!

DD (2.5) is, she seems to have some sensory issues that cause problems all day long, she is super super clingy and food is very difficult. I and others are starting to wonder about ASD because of how she is and it wouldn't be a shock given my family's history but it's early.

Something as basic as getting out the house can be a nightmare and it makes me very anxious. I can't just chose clothes and put them on her because she will scream and go read and take them off as soon as I take my hands off.

She's at nursery 3 days a week and I'd say she masks her issues there rather than being better there.

Using a timer helps, a visual chart of the week and the day are on my to do list.

The timer is another brilliant solution! I could do it on alexa- I think she would enjoy that. Some amazing ideas here.

Yes I empathise completely with being in constant fight or flight mode... exactly how I feel!

And cooking the evening meal is an absolute disaster. I have been ordering HelloFresh and following a simple recipe inbetween her demands is actually impossible.

Mine didn't find a timer helpful - or rather, I didn't find it helpful. They would get so fixated on watching it that they didn't do the activity they were meant to be doing, and then get distressed because we were moving on to something else!