So today TA suggested i take dd1 to a child psychologist!!!!!!!!!All kids lie, right??

[hayCHingleBells]

DD1 is 7.
She has always been a handful. Feisty is a word i use alot to describe her.

Weve been getting alot of lying recently and i spoke to my friend about it. This friend is also DD1s TA.
She (the TA) reports back to me on a friend level as to how dd1 behaves at school etc, and so far has been a little like a fly on the wall experience.
DD1 is in all the top sets, always has been. Doesnt struggle with her work and is popular with friends. Shes not the most intelligent or the most popular but she is up there.

TA caught me outside school this morning and said she had spoken to her tutor about dd1s lying. The tutor apparently recommended that she needs a child psychologist referral.
I said, WTF!
She said, oh.
I said, its not that severe.
She said, but she lies everyday at school (about minor things, like a pencil she wasnt sposed to have etc, or she wasnt involved in an incident when she actually had been).

TA has 2 boys of her own who are the same ages as my 2 dc. Her boys dont lie - ever.

Im very upset at the thought that my friend feels it appropriate that dd1 should see a psychologist.

I mean, she is NOT a troubled child.

She is bright and intelligent and i beleive she lies because she thinks she can get away with it.
I always get to the truth when she lies at home. And she is always told off, not bad, just make her aware of the boy who cried wolf and scenarios alike to that.

I wasnt that overly concerned about the lying because i was sure most kids try this on, especially the bright ones.

Am i right to think this is unecessary scary advice from my friend?
Is the rest of the school discussing my dd1 as she is so bad?

Should i take her as advised?

I think that most children will lie, given the 'right' circumstances.

Or if that seems too harsh, just about every child will tell the story to put themselves in the best possible light at some point in their childhood.

If it is becoming an problem for the school/you i would have thought the the first line response should be a chat with the school about how to approach the issue.

TA spoke to your daughter's teacher and is telling you the outcome?

TA spoke to her tutor, the person that is training her as a TA.

I think it all sounds a bit odd, is the tutor really qualified to make such suggestions, is this another teacher we are talking about, or an NVQ assessor, or the like??
IMO chidren with a good imagination tell lots of 'lies', so much so that they half beleive the 'story' that they are telling, very often I don't even think they stand to gain much, unless as MB says they are trying to put themselves in the best possible light. I'm sure that for many children this is just a phase.
Actually, I also think that your friend is blurring professional boundaries too and I wonder why she has told you this.

maybe all kids lie. i don't know.

i highly doubt that your TA or the Tutor has a degree in child psychology and are not in the professional position to say so.

I think these people need to be more professional and pass on the information they ahve to the head of SEN who hopefully is better informed and can make a referral if she deems one necessary.

sometimes, even with friendships, a professional distance is advisable.

Whatever you choose to do I would certainly resist the tempation to use your friend as a spy oon the wall.
it could give rise to huge misunderstandings and other issues ( she may coneivably have already misunderstood the conversation and you are getting upset about a non issue ). It is also incredibly unprofessional and indisreet of her to report back to you conversations with a person who believe that they were talking confidentially. Terrible judgement IMO.
i do understand the temptation - a great friend of mine was a teacher at DD's nursery but I wouldn't ask and she would not in any event have told ANYTHING as it is a very bad idea.
I think most kids lie in certain circumstances especially to avoid trouble. Perhaps the issue is that she is telling fibs for non reasons which is a little attention seeking ? Don't know, not a professional . Its difficult as you have info you are not supposed to know. poor you.
Hope it resolves itself

I think it is mostly lies to get herself out of trouble, "it wasnt me" type of thing.

But she has been known to describe awful stories of how her garndad had died, when he is actually fit and very well.

So its both, attention and to put herself in better light.

I think said TA/friend asked her tutor (who is of i dont have a clue professional capacity) about it so she could help me to help my dd with her lying problem.
And she didnt think twice about reporting back to me this morning. Very matter of fact, oh by the way, you should get your child to a psychologist!

To be fair, she has been very discrete about alot of the goings on in the classroom and doesnt give much away.
DD1 has been suffering with tummy aches for example and said TA was able to help me formulate a timetable of when she got these tummy aches etc.
But nit much more than that, never says names of any other dc there or what specifically has been interesting, or that could be percieved as gossip.

All kids lie. It's normal.

The only time to be concerned is if she doesn't seem to be able to appreciate the difference between lie and truth, or if she is constantly telling lie after lie after lie - every day, over pointless things that don't matter.

Saying "It wasn't me" because you are trying to avoid being told off is a normal thing for a kid to do. Telling a lie because you think it will get you what you want is also normal (although both are undesirable!)

Telling people you have a pink rubber when you actually have a blue one, telling you things that haven't happened like, I dunno, Robert fell over today (when he didn't).....etc etc etc x 100 a day! can become compulsive lying and might need someone's opinion.

From what you say, it's all "get out of trouble" porkies. I don't see how a child psychologist needs to be involved, you just need to continue with disciplining her.

She does do the pink rubber/ blue rubber thing and does lie everyday, apparently at school.

And the my grandad died lie.

So is it a problem developing?

I don't want to say whether a specific child I've never met has a problem or not - iyswim, not being funny with you, just not possible

I was just highlighting the diffence between types of lying and lying patterns. One is bog standard normal, other could be a problem.

Maybe get the school to write down all her lies daily for a few weeks, you do the same, then take a look together and see what you think?

Without telling her anything about it, of course!

all children lie at some point as long as she knows its wrong and you correct her i think its something she will grow out of i dont think you have anything to worry about

My brother used to do this. He was referred to a child psychologist, if fact she saw our whole family.

It was actually a really good experience, as it helped my parents understand him better.

The psychologist said that in his case, he had a very active imagination. If he, for instance had been thinking about how funny it would be if Robert fell off his chair, he would develop this idea in his head. It then became difficult for him to differentiate between things that really happened and things that just happened in his head.

I would speak to her teacher and perhaps your GP if they think it is necessary. And not take the advice of a tutor who has never met your DD.

There is a wonderful essay by Barbara Kingsolver (one of my favourite writers) describing the fearful, whopping great lies she told as a child and adult - she called it "having an excess of story" and it's what led her to become the fantastic writer she is.

I really don't know about things like this. My instinct would be that she's fine (almost all the weird things children do turn out to be fine in the end IME). I wouldn't be afraid of consulting someone who would really know though, and if it's something school want to recommend, it might be worth keeping them onside.

I lied a lot as a child. My mum was a psychologist and so took me off to get an assesment from a colleague sooner than some mothers may have. The colleague reckoned it was because I lost my Dad as a baby, then lost my step-dad a few years later (both died). It was suggested that I found it easier to live in an imaginary world than face reality and that I slowly lost the ability to differenciate between fact and fiction. It was also suggested I did it to get attention as my Mum was a busy working single mum and I was an only child with no siblings to play with. I spent A LOT of time alone day dreaming.

After the assessment my Mum spent alot of time gently pointing out when I was lying and encouraging me to focus on the truth. It worked quite well although it has to be said that even in my early twenties I sometimes found myself lying when under stress. Not big lies, really stupid stuff. On a first date I filled an awkward silence by announcing I had a pet turtle (!). Then we got together and he kept coming round and asking to see the turtle. I said I kept it at my Mum's. Then we got serious and he met my Mum... Totally pointless lies like that .

If I were you I would ask to see the teacher. Don't mention the TA's indiscretion but ask her advice on managing your daughter's imagination. Hear for yourself whether she thinks it is a real problem. Then you can make a judgement about what to do.