Parenting Solo

[helloandthankyou]

Hi all,

Just here for a bit of guidance really.

My partner has taken it upon himself to start working 7 days a week and so I am at home with a 2 year old and a 6 month old. Absolutely love my boys to bits but I am absolutely exhausted with it all.

I do the food / home shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing and parenting. I try to take the boys out as much as possible but our eldest is really difficult and has at least 2-3 tantrums during every outing.

I suppose my main thoughts are ‘how am I supposed to do a good job??’ I honestly feel like I am failing at everything. I have a great career but can’t work, I clean every spare five minutes but can never deep clean the house, I left the laundry last week and ended up with eight loads to do… I did the food shop in the evening this week after the boys went to sleep. But I’m not sure how to keep this up?

I’m a rubbish Mum. I hardly play with my eldest as I’m busy with the baby / food prep / washing / cleaning etc. And sometimes we don’t get out of the house and I just feel awful. I’m not sure how to be a good Mum all of the time. I spend so much time doing chores that can’t wait that although I am
home with my son 24/7 I don’t think I am doing a very good job.

I find it so much easier to head out somewhere and let the settings around us inspire him. At home I just can’t find any inspiration and the television is on way too much. I used to set up activities but I can’t afford to do them every day and they last a couple of minutes before he’s smashing everything up or breaking things…!! Love him so much but am so sad that his home life is so boring. I can’t afford to take the boys on too many days out. He starts playgroup in September but at the moment we have five days at home together and it feels like I’m just not doing it properly. I feel really lost and like I should be more creative. But I also feel very worn down from parenting alone.

Thanks in advance for any replies xx

I also have a 2 year old and a baby and it’s been very hard work. I also don’t do much playing as i am busy with the baby and the cleaning up after them. It’s frustrating that chores feel like they won’t get done for years because there is just never the opportunity, so only the basics are getting done. I have to get out the house as find it really hard when they are both awake, problem is there is no where to go!

I wish I lived in a commune sometimes and then the kids could have each other!! And the workload would be shared.

Daily priorities, in this priority order:

(1) immediate needs of children.
Safety, personal hygeine (nappy, wash, teeth), sleep

(2) Food
Children (meals and milk feeds), yourself, husband.

(4) Essentisl cleanliness.
This is not big cleaning, just every day stuff. Pots washed, kitchen wiped, high chair or dining table wiped, bathroom once a week.

(5) Laundry
You all need clean clothes. It comes under hygiene - put a load of washing on every day or buy enough clothes to manage without washing. Don't worry about ironing - that's not a priority. Having clean/dry clothes is. Just dump in washer and chuck on line or in tumble drier every day - that's all.

(6) - Your own well being. The need to rest and relax is prioritised here.

(7) - Social life. You and the children.

(8) - Non-essential cleaning. Everything else. It's not urgent, only if you have time. Hovering, beds made, anything else that means no-one dies if it's not done often or not done well. All these are REALLY LOW PRIORITY.

You're being too hard on yourself. You don't need to be setting up activities or going out all the time to be a good mum. You're doing a much better job than you think you are.

I've got a military hubby, 5 kids a dog and a baby due Aug. My kids think washing is my hobby and do very little for themselves as mum will sort it. They have toys, tablets, TV and eachother for entertainment. I am often busy and atm napping or limping around due to spd so don't do play time much but they are happy enough.

Thank you for that list @FATEdestiny that’s super helpful. If that’s a rota for Mumming then I’m definitely getting #1 done.

I’ve always been the type of person who thrives from seeing results or having rewards / praise… and now I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark.. if that makes sense.

@Chelyanne thank you.. that sounds full on! My partner never tells me I’m doing a good job, which is mostly what I crave. I know that sounds very insecure and perhaps naive but just some praise or thanks for all the hard work..

I planned a day out yesterday and my toddler was tired. I managed to pack spare clothes for baby and toddler, nappies, wipes, bottles, hot water, formula, sun cream, hats, pram, wellies, baby carrier and lunch for toddler. We got an hour in before a full meltdown. And it’s just me on my own dealing with it. I strap baby onto my front and lift toddler into the pram. Get him an apple and calm him down by rocking the pram. I didn’t mind any of this and I was fully prepared but it took all my energy so today we didn’t go out ..and now I feel guilty.

Can you put your eldest in nursery a few days or half days a week? Will give you a chance to catch up on things and have a breather. If your husband thinks it is a waste of money then tell him he can either work less and help with the kids and house more or you can use nursery. His choice.

Also:

"My partner never tells me I’m doing a good job, which is mostly what I crave. I know that sounds very insecure and perhaps naive but just some praise or thanks for all the hard work."

He probably doesn't know how hard it is. You need to have a proper conversation with him and he direct and honest and not do any hinting. If he doesn't know how hard it is he'll expect you to do everything and do nothing to help. Which you can't cope with long term.

Why is your husband suddenly working 7 days a week? How did this happen without any discussion? It sounds like he is opting out of parenting.

Why is he working 7 days a week? That sounds unsustainable for both of you. What does he do when he's home because it's sounds like you're doing everything.

Why can't you work? I had a two year old and four month old in nursery pt. Far easier than being at home all day. What was the plan for you going back?
Does your partner ever have the DC on his own to give you a break?

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies. Every single Nursery in this area has been inundated with applications as we are rural and lots of people are moving out of cities after the Pandemic. The earliest I can start my eldest at any Nursery is September 2022 but by this September he is old enough for Playgroup, which is connected to his school so I would prefer for him to go there and be with the children he will be going to school with.

So I’ve two more months of both boys at home before my eldest will start playgroup three times a week. So there is an end in sight. I just feel really in the thick of it at the moment…and feel like I’m letting my eldest down by not putting him into nursery.

I just feel like I’m not doing parenting properly and there’s nobody there to say ‘it’s fine, he’s fine, you’re doing fine’. I have a routine in terms of getting up and getting ready for the day, breakfast, trip out for errands if we can manage it and lunch out, home for tea, bath time, story time, bed time and he seems happy but I don’t know if this is enough?! I sometimes check out as I’m exhausted and I’m not always interactive. I don’t ignore him when he talks to me, but I am naturally quite introverted and so I don’t talk a lot and prefer to listen. Of course I always answer his questions and love hearing him learn new words and pick up new things. Im just naturally quiet and love to sit with my thoughts..

Does anyone parent as an introvert?

You are doing a BRILLIANT job, you are caring for, feeding, being there for 2 little ones. It's an extremely hard job to do at times especially if you are on your own most of the time. You don't have to provide lots of activities. Let your toddler play with his toys or read a book or play with some stickers and let baby sit in the bouncer watching. It's important that you have some quiet time in the day, can they both nap at the same time? If not, let toddler watch a programme while baby naps and you can sit next to toddler and have some quiet time to yourself for 15 mins or so.

If you can manage at home you are not letting your toddler down by him not starting nursery yet. Do you have a garden or outdoor space? Let toddler out as much as possible to play and you can watch from a garden chair with baby in bouncer outside or rolling around on a mat.

I had a 2.5 year old and 12 week old when lockdown first started last year so know how hard it is at home by yourself with little ones.

One day at a time and try to get sometimes for yourself to have a bath/read or watch something you want to. Can you keep up to date with your career by doing online courses or just keep a diary of what is happening in your world of work etc?