Please help me be a good mum to my toddler

[Powerispowerful]

I have name changed here, because I feel pretty pathetic and didn’t want this post associated with my normal username.

I don’t know how to respond to challenging behaviour from my DD. I didn’t have a great example when I was growing up so I’m finding it hard to work out what feels right to me as a parent.

I’m not a shouter, I believe in logical consequences rather than punishment. I don’t want to be overly controlling. I want DD to feel totally safe and loved, but I don’t want to be permissive. It all feels like a very fine balance that I find hard to achieve.

DD is 16m and is a really lovely child. She has started to push boundaries (particularly when tired or hungry) and she has had a couple of tantrums now. I know there is lots more of this to come so I wanted to improve my confidence.

I generally try and ignore boundary pushing where I can, which often works but feels manipulative and I’m not sure I like it. I say ‘no’ firmly but often feel she likes the attention of this and ignoring seems more effective. I praise her when I can see she has thought about doing something she shouldn’t but makes a better decision. I also play with her loads, cuddle her, give her loads of love, praise, and attention. She is really thriving so I can see that some of what I’m doing is going well. I just have absolutely no confidence to manage the more difficult behaviour.

Has anyone got any advice? And any tips how you would deal with things like this:

• deliberately throwing toys or food in a kind of ‘defiant’ way
• saying ‘no’ when I ask her to do something and clearly hoping for a reaction
• doing something she knows she shouldn’t do - again looking for a reaction
• full blown tantrum/meltdown
• hitting

Oops, posted too soon. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comments.

I've been reading "the Montessori toddler" by Simone Davies recently and it has some great advice about dealing with tantrums and toddler behaviour in general, in a gentle respectful way.

Hi OP, I completely relate. My LO is 19mo and went/is going through the stage you are describing. Please take my following advice as a few months ahead of you - it might not be right but its working for us...

I think boundaries are good and toddlers feel safe knowing what's what even if they try to push them, it's all about learning. I try to reserve the word "no" for dangerous or deliberately naughty behaviour - I say it once in a stern voice and if she does it again I remove her/said toy/whatever is causing the problem from the situation. If I have to remove her from the situation I don't play with her for about 2 minutes and I say to her "mummy said no but you did it anyway. You need to do what mummy says but you didn't do it so that's why xx is happening." She seems to have cottoned on to no means no. For other things I try to give her guidance rather than saying no ie - sit down aka don't stand on the sofa or where does your cup go? aka stop banging your cup/putting it in your food. I also try to explain as much as possible to her and give her warning before we have to do something like if I need to change her nappy I say " it's almost time to change you nappy" and I say it about 3 times in 5 minutes and then when I actually need to do it I say "now it's time to change your nappy and THEN we will play". It giver her warning it's going to happen and then she knows that it's only for a time and then she can continue what she was doing. I also try to distract as much as possible when she is tired/not listening/being deliberately naughty. Sometimes it's a case of going for a walk and taking her out the situation. Hope the above might help. I've not much experience of hitting but I have taught my LO that it's nice to cuddle her toys and the meaning of sore so if she does do something like that I say "ouch that was sore, it hurts, you need to be gentle". I think the more they understand language the easier it gets

Ps I also make sure to tell her when she does good things to even out saying no or don't do that all the time

Lower your expectations, she doesn't have the level of understanding of the things in your list, deliberately defiant? Say no, stop her if she's going to hit you if you can, or whatever it is you don't want her doing, firm but you don't have to shout and scare her, (but if that happens once or twice its not the end of the world) then move on with your day, or change what you're doing with her to interrupt what ever is happening. She doesn't understand.

I think at that age most of the behaviour is fuelled by being tired, hungry or overstimulated. Ensure a regular predictable daily routine and if you feel a situation is getting out of hand, ask yourself “when did they last eat? Do we need to go outside for a bit for a change of scene? Do they need a slightly earlier bedtime tonight maybe?”.
Also avoid phrasing things in a way that can give a “no” answer. Eg instead of “can you please come here so I can get your shoes on” you might say “next we’re going to go to the park - it’s cold outside so we need our warm shoes on, off we go to the shoe rack”. Also they need a lot of time for information to sink in so you might have to repeat information a lot calmly, over a couple of minutes before they process it.
Big tantrums I tend to let my DD let it all out, let her shout and then try and narrate her emotions to her e.g “I can see you’re feeling very cross because you wanted to carry on playing...” etc. It begins a dialogue then. Let her calm down in her own time and ignore everything else around you - just focus on her and be a calm presence. I have found saying things like “I think that little cross face needs a hug and a kiss” a good tool. It breaks the tension. Or “I think those little throwing hands need a kiss from mummy” - it just redirects the energy and distracts them from the tantrum a bit sometimes.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I’ve read your responses and I’ve taken something from all of them. Sorry I didn’t reply yesterday, it was a long day!

@Mamabear04 I have started to include warnings (‘this is the last time and then we need to go out’ type warnings) - I don’t think she quite gets it yet but it feels like good practice. She finds waiting very hard, and even though I explain (“I’m drying my hands now and then I will pick you up”) she definitely doesn’t understand it or doesn’t feel comforted by it. But I do hope as her understanding comes on it will start to help. I do praise DD a lot, about all sorts of things. That’s something I’ve made sure I do very differently from how I was brought up. But I think I am probably focusing on ‘no’ more than I could - I like the idea of flipping it around and focusing on the positive (eg ‘sit down’ rather than ‘don’t stand’)

@ArthurApples sorry, I probably didn’t word it very well. I just wanted to make the distinction between dropping food, as all babies do, and what she has started to do recently which is finishing her meal and throwing what’s left. She will look to check I’m looking, and then do it, cheeky sod! but when I say she’s defiant I just mean she knows she shouldn’t throw food in as much as she knows I will tell her no. At the moment, my approach has been to reduce the opportunity for her to throw, so I give her one piece of a snack at a time when she’s in a throw-y mood, and if she’s throwing I take the food away for a while or permanently if she seems to have eaten enough. She doesn’t really ask for it so I think when she throws food it’s more from boredom/lack of interest in food and she’s just trying to mix it up a bit.

@Snowpaw thank you for the tips with the big tantrums. I have had two of them to deal with so far where she just absolutely lost it and it was really awful to see her so upset. I stuck to my guns and didn’t ‘give in’, which I think was the right thing to do. But also just tried to soothe her and distract her when she was calm enough to be distracted. Lots of cuddles. As she gets older and understands more those phrases are great I will start using them now.

Are you all ‘gentle’ parents? I read a thread the other day where ‘gentle’ parents got a bit of a roasting for having bratty kids. I feel under pressure to be stricter around other parents with DD. I have always thought I was gentle in my parenting (a descriptor rather than a parenting style) but then this thread started to worry me - have I gone too far the other way to compensate for my own upbringing etc?

I really loved reading all of these messages, so supportive and so helpful- its lovely to see!

Being a parent coach who specializes in positive (gentle) parenting approach I believe you are 100% going the right way about things. Its smart and respectful. Its also not permissive, so children know where they stand which is just what they need in order to learn right from wrong. It sounds like you're very aware of this! Children don't have it in them to be manipulative, but they will definitely repeat certain types of behavior if they know it promotes some sort of reaction or attention (the dropping food scenario) also most likely linked to being bored and full. Again, you sound like you're super aware that all children deserve to have their feelings respected when they are having a tantrum (a big feeling). It's not easy seeing our children upset but its so important we name these emotions and help them through them, it makes them feel listened to respected, it builds connection between the two of you and it builds their emotional intelligence and resilience!

You all sound like fantastic Mums, keep doing what your doing and remember that you can only do your best, there is no such thing as perfection and parenting is a journey! xx

The biggest things I learned in toddler years were
a) Say what you want them to do, not what you don't. e.g. "we keep our food on the table" rather than "don't throw your food on the floor"
b) Natural consequences worked best for my kids. So if you throw your toys, I'll put that toy away for (insert appropriate time based on age) and you won't be able to use it.
c) Try to never say no. So what is she doing that she knows she's not supposed to? Instead of saying no to doing it can you offer an alternative. When mine would jump on couch id remind them that the couch is for sitting but maybe put a mattress or cushions on floor that they could jump on instead. Frame it as more fun and they'll love it. If she wants to go to the park and you can't "yes, that's a lovely idea, let's do that tomorrow" etc.

Hitting is just a firm, stern "no", move from situation.

Tantrums I always tried to find cause. Usually hunger or tired in my experience. Mostly I just said "you're having some big feelings there, when you have finished we can talk" then kind of pottered around them ignoring.

That was my learning but it doesn't always work. I've carried a screaming toddler out of the supermarket fireman style on more than one occasion.....

They're processing their world and feelings. Tantrums are so normal that where I live it's on the development checklist for 2 to 3 year olds.

You're doing great.

One of my children is quite defiant, in a cat like manner: she'll look at you smile and do the naughty thing 🤦🏻‍♀️ if that's your case you need to have a serious talk each time (parenting is exhausting) and tell them why it is not acceptable

Horrible title, great talk

I’m not sure if i’d describe myself as a gentle parent, it’s more that I really believe in looking behind the behaviour to see what’s driving it, in order to understand it and fix it. I.e I don’t believe there’s any use in trying to “discipline” a tired or hungry child - it just doesn’t work. Fix the need behind the behaviour (whether that be through sleep, food, a change of activity) and their behaviour stabilises.

I also massively believe in the power of positive attention. Kids need so much interaction, validation, praise, conversations etc and the more positive and undivided time you can give them, the better they will behave all round I think. If they are being “attention seeking” like looking for your response to thrown food, then they could be signalling they’re bored with the meal and want more interaction from you. Take them down from the high chair and do something else when they start throwing. Or take the food away and give them a piece of paper and crayons on the high chair while the rest of you finish the meal.

Talking through what has happened.
Ie “you threw the piece of apple on the floor, now it’s all dirty, too dirty to eat, oh dear”
“Don’t throw it on the floor it will get dirty, pass it to me/leave it here” etc

Ignoring biting as much as possible, or saying (in an undramatic voice) “that’s sore, don’t make mummy sore”. Reinforce positive, “you patted my arm, that was kind”

Giving 2 choices, so there is no “no” - sometimes works!

Distraction!

Big Little Feelings on Instagram is what you want - deals with techniques for a lot of these situations all rooted in science and how toddlers' brains work.

A couple of things I remember:

Explain what's going to happen before doing it (this helps with transitions).

Explain the behavior you want, not what you don't want ('food stays on the table please' instead of 'don't throw food on the floor')

@MistyFrequencies thanks very much for your thoughtful post. I definitely prefer the natural consequences, the idea of punishment doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I will try saying what I want to see more than what I don’t want to see.

@Snowpaw I think the thing I do well as a parent is giving lots of positive attention, lots of my time, affection, and play. The vast majority of our time together is gorgeous. I struggle with the more ‘negative’ stuff because of how I was parented and I don’t want to do DD a disservice by not giving enough boundaries and being too lax - that’s not good for kids either (in my opinion!).

This evening she was about to throw her fruit when she had finished her meal and I could see when it was going to happen so I just took it away and explained she’s obviously had enough. She asked for more fruit so I gave her one piece. She went to throw it again and I removed it in the same way. It was no big deal and felt much more inkeeping with my normal approach to parenting. I feel like the stern ‘no’ just draws more attention to whatever I don’t want her to do.

Do any of you feel under pressure to be more ‘strict’ around other parents? That’s not to say that I allow negative behaviour to go unchecked, but I tend to be less “no that’s naughty” than my friends. Writing that out I think I just need to get over it.

Google Janet Lansbury. Total game changer for me with my daughter and her website and blog has loads on boundary pushing and how to respond. Seriously I see kids in a totally different light thanks to her.