Looking after 4 year old and newborn

[MumOfBoys16]

I have a newborn and 4 year old boys, just starting to have them on my own and it's tough going. My 4 year old seems more demanding of my time than ever before, I'm spending lots of time with him during the baby's naps (which is a lot atm) but I'm feeling shattered running between the two of them.

Do you have any tips for me as to how to manage this better? Or is it one of those things that needs time? Whenever I ask people they just laugh and say it'll be harder when baby is mobile, which really isn't that helpful!

Please help!! x

I've no advice I'm sorry, but I'll have a newborn and a 4 year old boys in October myself so following with interest!

Will your 4 year old be off too school in September? Perhaps not an overly helpful comment but at least there may be an end in sight and things will get easier!

I had a newborn and a 2 year old, and all you can do is the best you can. That's it, there's no magic and no secret. You just relax, let the little things go, and do the best you can manage. There's a saying, 'the days and nights can be long, but the years go by very, very quickly', and it's so true. One phase will turn into another, and that will go on until they grow up and move out. Just enjoy each stage because it won't be around long. My children are adults now and I don't know where the years went.

Is your 4 year old at nursery? I think at this stage it’s just surviving. Things will get easier as the baby becomes less demanding.

Try to involve your eldest (getting nappies, putting dummy back in etc) so he doesn’t feel shoved out.

It will get better!

It definitely won’t get harder, it gets easier once they get older imo

My dd1 was 4 when dd2 was born - it's bollocks that it's harder when the younger one is mobile, by that time they are fun and interactive and can join in things, not to mention they're probably only napping once or twice a day and the older one has got used to them being part of family life.

People trying to make you more miserable by always referring to some nebulous "future time" when things will be worse whilst you're going through a hard time really fuck me off.

It is a tiring time - you try to do so much with your older one to make them feel secure, loved, valued etc that you don't get to 'sleep when the baby sleeps' etc. But it gets better quickly, and absolutely don't feel bad about increased screen time whilst you need it. If your 4 year old isn't at school yet, then structuring the day will probably help, e.g. off to the park after breakfast so older ds can run around whilst you wheel younger ds around to get him to nap, then snacks/picnic on a rug, then walk home for half an hour of tv and a coffee for you, then a table activity before lunch etc etc. I shamelessly told dd1 that we were doing things that she liked because she was very important and the baby didn't get a say. I didn't think dd2 would be psychologically damaged by the conversation given her overriding interests of sleeping, eating and blowing raspberries at the time, and as the situation became 'normal' that level of reassurance stopped being necessary.

It gets easier all the time - first when they reach 6 weeks and start to understand nighttime a little more, then at 3 months when they reach the end of the third trimester and start to interact with the world around them, then at 6 months when they get into a nap routine and have sitting/turning over/crawling thoughts, then at 12 months when they get a bit more ambitious with movement/communication. DD2 is 18 months now and they can actually play together, to a certain extent, and it is lovely to see when they do. It has also done wonders for DD1's patience

Hang in there, newborn, sleepless, and with a massive upheaval to DS1's world is the hardest bit, it does get easier soon.

I'm my opinion this is the absolute hardest stage, I was completely miserable when I had newborn DD2 and 2 yr old DD1 I had such horrific mum guilt and felt torn 24/7. I wrote a post on here when I was at breaking point. I was crying every night and feeling like a complete failure.

I don't think there's a magic solution it's just bloody hard, but I can reassure you it does get easier. Mine are 4 and 2 now and it is 100 x easier than the newborn phase. I think it started getting a bit easier around the 6 month mark when DD2 started getting more interested in what was going on around her, could sit up, play etc.

No real advice but just a light at the end of the tunnel, it will be worth it eventually!

I had a newborn and 4yo twins. Newborn tagged along to his older brothers’ things - assemblies, football practice etc. He napped in a sling or in the car. He just had to fit in. 4yo we’re delighted to be able to show him how to do things when he was a bit older. Hang in there.

You'll settle into a groove as the weeks go on but for now triage everything. Anything non essential can wait. Lessen expectations and look at what rules need to be strictly stuck to and what ones can be loosened.
Is your 4yr old at the age where he likes to help? Get a nappy caddy full of the essentials for baby and get 4yr old to bring it to and hand stuff out to when needed. Maybe make a game of cleaning up. 4yr old can have a great time "hoovering" while you do some essential cleaning/meal prep. This won't work for all 4yr olds and I get for some it may lead to more work for you if he is the heavy handed sort. But it could be an opportunity to get stuff done while entertaining DS.
Stick on a movie and have plenty of cuddles on the couch while baby is sleeping.
Lots of time outside if you can manage it. If it's easy to get to a playground let 4yr old run off some energy there.

One of my friends said "one of you will always be crying" when I asked how to cope with 2 and it's pretty true! I found a sling for the baby a godsend and getting out as much as possible - feed baby, change nappy and get out the door. My 3yo loves helping out so that's been really useful in terms of passing nappies, getting the flannel at bath time, anything to help her feel involved.

It is a hard stage. My main tips are:

Get out and about
Lower your standards - some TV or iPad time for the 4 year old is fine
Sling really really helps
Accept help

Thankyou all.. for your encouragement and ideas.

4 year old is at preschool for 4 days so starting school in Sept- but with the 6 weeks holiday in the middle when he's with me. We've got great family support who are helping but I feel like I'm trying to palm him off on everyone atm.

I've not braved going far yet with both together, sounds like I need to as it seems going out is better.

This was our gap too. I think it does get better (dd is 17mo now and very mobile) and it certainly gets different!

I found no solution worked for more than a few weeks so I had to keep rethinking. Putting baby in the carrier so I could kick a ball round with DS worked for a bit. Otherwise yes lots of attention to him in dd naps. And a certain increase in screen time unfortunately.

My DD was 3, nearly 4 when DS was born - it was awful! Ended up sending DD to nursery for 4 days & PIL had her for 1.
In the holidays, PIL took her most of the week including some overnights as I just wasn't coping.
On the days she was home, I tried to have activities to go to (difficult now obviously) like the zoo; park; play park; beach etc. DH took 1 days leave every week to help out (he'd saved it up in advance).
If you can, utilise family & friends or other forms of childcare if you can afford it.

When I had my 3 year old and baby I introduced quiet time after lunch where 3 year old watched tv/some kind of screen and baby at first did whatever was needed but then became nap time; it gave me a bit of time to catch my breath and have a cup of tea and saved my sanity at times. It’s also easier when baby is in a more reliable routine as you can plan activities with an older one around that.
Also just getting out helps so the older one can run off some energy; I used the sling at first

I don’t have the same age gap, mine were 16 months apart. But I found it got much easier after the first 3 months when baby slept a bit longer and feeding didn’t take as long.

In terms of how to juggle both I find getting dressed straight away in the morning helpful so you can get out and to feel more organised. Most dinners cooked in the slow cooker or just something you can throw in the oven. I used to plan an activity to do with DS1 while baby napped so he got decent one on one time.

But most of all just try cut yourself some slack. No big deal if he watches extra tv so you can get things done and make sure you take time to yourself when your partner gets home. Mine are 9 months old and just over 2 now and it’s 10 times easier than the newborn phase so hang in there.

I've got a nearly 5 year old and a 3 month old. My nearly 5 year old is in reception so things are possibly a bit easier for me than they are for you but I can relate to how you're feeling. It felt overwhelming at first. I'm 15 weeks in now and it's much, much easier. It's quite lovely, in fact. You'll get there too. It's such an enormous adjustment, particularly for people like us who got used to a bit of freedom and independence again after baby no 1!

Thankyou - I think you have a good point @letsallbemermaids that getting independence back with having a 4 year old it's taking a bit of adjustment back.

DS loves things like play dough and crafts, I think I need to get my brain in gear and get some activities ready. He threw me this morning wanting to play shops at half 7! Usually we just watch tv! So I think he's getting the most out of me when he can.

I really appreciate such supportive comments :)

No advice but solidarity. I have a 3.5yo and a 3 week old, bloody hell it’s tough. I totally relate to the comment above that says someone will always be crying! I’ve found what helps is driving us all to a quiet park/field/place to walk and letting DS1 run wild. That way if DS2 screams the place down or needs feeding I don’t feel self conscious that there are other people around, I can crack on with that and it feels much less stressful. I’m just about managing at the moment but DS1 is in nursery 2.5 days a week and I’m lucky enough to get help from both sets of parents. I totally get how you feel with feeling like you’re palming your eldest off; I feel like that too but really I know I’m just trying to do right by both my children by getting them the attention they deserve, even if it can’t always be from me. Keep going, you’re doing great.

I have a 4 year old and 9 month old. I have struggled hugely, 4 yr old is a challenge atm and needs constant attention. He goes to preschool and nursery but I'm dreading the summer hols, he doesn't let his sister sleep. We had to isolate this week and I cried every day. We have good days and bad days. Take all the help you can get

It's because the 4yr old is not used to sharing, it will get better.
Our 5yr old struggled to adjust to new baby but she did eventually and things were much easier. The rest adjusted much quicker to new babies as they'd never had all the attention to themselves. Expecting number 6 atm and the youngest 2 (6yr twins) are very excited to become big sisters.

I'd suggest getting outside if you can. You sit while 4yo plays mud kitchens etc

I have a 5 year old, 15 month old and a newborn.

This age rage together has its challenges I also have no village. Of course the sleepless nights are difficult but I still manage to sleep just enough to get by. You learn their little routines/sleep routines and make do. I am breastfeeding night and day every two hours!! It’s amazing what you can do when you have too.
It gets easier of course. I use dummies when needed! I also have some childcare qualifications which have turned out to be useful. I set up various activities throughout the day to keep them busy! Newborn sleeps majority of the day. Getting outside helps. Easy dinners, some TV time for my 5 year old, limiting washing. I find time for myself when they all sleep 6:30 onwards. Naps are never after 3 in the afternoon otherwise it messes up bedtime. 15 month old is asleep by 7pm most evenings, wakes 6:30. (I read a sleep book on this years ago and it worked).

Hang in there! You can do this.