Aunt/SIL always arrives with present for DC

[GrassWasGreener]

My SIL has started a new habit. I think the last 4 times she came back to her family home to see her parents we were encouraged to go over as she was struggling with lockdown. We are local to the family home and SIL is not. IMO she shouldn’t of been travelling down for obvious COVID reasons but it’s not my house she is visiting so it’s up to them. But she is bringing a present for DC each time and it’s a toy. Last time it was actually wrapped up as a gift. I don’t mind people seeing a clothing item and thinking oh that’s cute, picking it up and giving it to us to use for DC but this toy thing I don’t like. I think it gives DC the a wrong life expectation. DC is approaching 2 yrs and I don’t want SIL to make her think that this is the norm. What about the day we bump into her and she has no present? What about the fact no everyone brings a toy when they see her? Toddlerdom is already showing and I just feel this random toy buying is setting DC up for a fall. Am I nuts?
I am going to tell her no more anyway as DC birthday is close so nothing else is to be bought before then but SIL is on edge at the moment and I think I will take this opportunity to explain that she can’t/shouldn’t bring a toy each visit as it’s the wrong life lesson. I think I will meet resistance but I don’t care. SIL has been bonkers recently and I don’t think she is thinking clearly. Anyone else experienced this kind of thing?

To clarify, I’m not taking the SIL on edge behaviour as my moment to rock the boat further, I meant the imminent birthday is my opportunity to give a soft reason to ask the toy buying to stop.
If I have to be firmer about it after the birthday then so be it. I’m not out To keep people happy at the sake of my child

Am I nuts?

Yes. And unkind.

It's fine to let SIL know he doesn't have to provide a gift at every visit

But she's being nice.

Your DC is 2. Surely you can easily explain to him that not everyone will give him a gift & if he starts expecting one, he can be reminded when he's older, that that's not ok.

For her sake, I hope she stops as that's a lot to be spending. But honestly, try & see what she's doing as something generous & be a bit nicer about her.

I think she is just trying to be kind. Why not ask her to give books or clothing instead.

I think you're making far too much of this. It's one relative who slightly spoils your child. Is this really that big of a deal?

Oh wow, you sound a bit unkind here.

You need to unclench a little.

Teach your child to say thank you and then donate toys she doesn't play with. Don't dictate to SIL, it's not good for anyone in the long run.

Your child is going to have her own relationships with people, you can teach her your values and hope they stick but you don't get to control the world around her

I think you're being a bit dramatic tbh

Her family and your DC clearly mean a lot to her, it shows she has been thinking of them.

You should be glad DC have such a loving auntie. Honestly - your thinking on this is twisted.

Oh I know she is only being nice. How could she mean this in any other way. I am going to be nice about it, the books suggestion is a good idea actually and DC does love books. I just tell her not to wrap them up unless it’s a specific occasion maybe

A friend of mine had a similar situation and her DC got to a point of anytime someone came round the child didn’t even say hello just asked for their present and was then upset when one wasn’t given. it took a long time to stop, so I just don’t really want a similar situation really

My mother in law does the same with my daughter. To be honest, it doesn't bother me. To avoid the situation you're worried about, we have always been very clear when we're going for a visit that IF she gets a present, she's a very lucky girl but not to expect anything and we practice saying "thank you, I love it" so she knows how to respond.

This is done out of love for your child. Just bear in mind, there are very few people in our lives as we grow older who want to give us presents and who give any kind of thought to meeting us and doing nice things in advance - this is definitely something to let her enjoy for the part of her life that it happens.

Why can’t she wrap them them? Little ones love unwrapping things.

Mealy mouthed response. Unkind and unnecessary. Children don’t learn unrealistic expectations or bad behaviour from the odd present. You teach children manners and social norms through kindness and their positive interactions with others.

I think it’s okay to say something like “you know DD loves you, she’s always talking about wanting you to read her xx book again (or something else nice they do together like play hide and seek) - while we appreciate the gifts and the thought put into it, we don’t want you to feel that it’s necessary or expected and we’d hate for DD to learn to expect a gift every time she sees you. If you like buying gifts for her, maybe you could start a book collection that you could read together - but it’s definitely not expected.

Don’t forget that buying a gift is probably something joyous for your SIL as well - and in COVID times, we all need to find something that brings us joy. So please don’t make this a big issue or make her feel bad about this.

I'd be pleased she cared about my child I think. Unless she's buying things that you don't want for your child like an iPad or something. If it's just medium price/cheap toys I'd allow it to happen. Just make sure as your baby gets older, to teach them to be grateful towards any gifts given, and any stropping that may occur due to no presents or a present they don't like, is met with consequences.

I get it can be a bit annoying, if my MIL finds out that my mum has bought my baby something, then she's straight on Amazon buying something else, (guessing she doesn't want to be outshone by other grandma). It makes me chuckle a bit but I just let it happen as it's harmless at the moment.

You are overthinking this.

You can teach your child that we are always grateful and happy when someone gives us something, and if they are our friend / family we are always pleased to see them.

The support, love and interest if a generous auntie is no bad thing.

Bringing up a child is about equipping then to deal with everything they encounter in their environment. Not controlling every last thing they encounter.