Division of Chores/ Looking after baby with working Partner

[CoffeeMonkey]

Hi All,

FTM here, our little boy is 5 weeks old & my husband is back at work from paternity leave a few weeks now, he has a pretty stressful job where he can work up to 50 hours a week sometimes (those are his contracted hours so no chance to reduce unfortunately).

In my eyes he goes out to his day job & my day job at the moment is looking after baby & whatever household chores I can manage at the same time or are urgently needed eg laundry, food delivery; as he works long hours I’m happy to do the majority of the night shift up with baby but I feel that when we are both at home, eg evenings or weekends then all chores & looking after baby should be shared 50/50, am I being unreasonable or does anyone agree/ see things differently?

We spoke at length while I was pregnant about both of us needing to be able to do everything with baby so the other can take a proper break but that isn’t happening as I still do the majority of nappy & clothing changes & feeds (baby is bottle fed, husband will make plenty of bottles but does very little feeding).

I feel at breaking point as I don’t feel I can even take an hour to myself to properly switch off & genuinely feel exhausted with it all. Baby is generally very content & happy so I know we are lucky but it just feels a constant cycle of looking after him & I’m starting to resent husband when he comes home & just puts his feet up, on his phone etc - he will do things as I ask him but I feel it shouldn’t be up to me to make requests/ give orders.

We had another discussion about this this morning & he has promised to do more so hopefully things will change but just wondering if anyone has any advice or ideas, many thanks!

I'm with you on this, my full time job at the moment is raising his kid (yes mine too but still his!) I didn't do the lions share of the housework before baby so why should I do it now?!?! Obviously I do a little bit more now while baby is napping or quiet, I might pop a load of washing on the line or run the vac round but that's only because if I can get my jobs done before housework time starts then it's a little head start for us both. We would always spend about an hour each day after work sorting out our life admin, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc etc before sitting down to eat dinner and nothing has changed. He gets in from work and then it's bedtime routine and life admin time. We both still do all this together. It's a partnership, it's team work, it's respecting each other. His time is not more valuable than mine and vice versa. I have friends who have fallen into the 1950s housewife trap and they are fucking miserable and as harsh as this sounds, I have absolutely no sympathy for them because you only get what you tolerate. Those same friends always tell me I'm so lucky to have a man who does housework. But it's not luck it's not settling for a twat who takes me for granted in the first place!!!

My partner works 5 sometimes 7 days a week doing a manual job, he sleeps in another room so he can get a full night's sleep so I do the night feeds (which to be honest is really just one a night so not too arduous at the moment). When he gets home sometimes he takes her for an hour or so so I can have a shower or cook dinner, hardly a rest, but time to myself I guess and I enjoy cooking and really don't trust him to make anything edible haha. I still do all the cleaning, slightly less so now as I have less time so it's not as clean as I would like, and all the cooking. Its been this way since we moved in and if I'm honest he never has done any housework (the odd bit of washing up and sorting out the garden every few weeks) even with both of us working full time, so when we had a baby I kind of expected it would remain the same as even though I'm not at work I consider child care my job. I went in with my eyes open knowing I would continue to do the lion share of the house work so at least wasn't disappointed haha.
I will say as I had a c section he was very good those first few weeks of recovery though. And I should also preface this by saying our baby is a pretty easy baby, she wakes once a night and is just pretty chilled, so I never need a nap during the day, and she'll also chill in her swing or her mat so I have time during the day to do stuff round the house or shower.

However, on his weekends with his son I get pretty stressed as I find I then have to cook for and clean up after another child and have decided on these weekends that he needs to help out more now I have my own child to feed, change, entertain etc.

Also during weekends both with and without his son he looks after the baby a lot so I do have time to myself when I need it, I would struggle without that.

The one thing that does bother me is that in 2.5 months he has changed less than 10 nappies.

If your partner is mathematically minded, try this - add up all the hours you both spend working each week (either at work or with the baby), add up the leisure time you both have, and divide that equally to make sure you both have equal time to relax. It's fair, it will make sense to him, and it will most likely result in an improvement to your situation.

Sort this out now before either or both of you get resentful.

I used to hand baby over to my OH when he got home and clear off for an hour to save my sanity. I did most of the housework yes but not all of it and certainly not all the childcare.

Absolutely do not martyr yourself.

My friend did this and ended up working all night til she dropped while her husband had his feet up with a beer as he thought his job was done the minute he clocked off at work. Her job on the other hand was 24/7.

Yes, that's exactly how dh and I have always done it. Whoever is home should take care of the children and do whatever they can around the house (some days, this is very little). And when home, it's 50/50. Though if you are bottle feeding, there is no reason he can't do some night feeds, especially on the weekends. With ours who was bottle fed, dh made every single night bottle and I did the feed. I actually can only ever remember getting up once and making the bottle myself. He was otherwise up helping with every night feed - while working a FT job and starting a business in his non-working hours.

The reality is that you will (I assume) eventually go back to work. Babies don't magically sleep or need less parenting or create less mess just because mat leave ends. When you're both working, you'll need to figure out how to balance everything between you. Having done both, honestly I think working is easier than being home FT with children and I work a very full on London job with a long commute - it's still less exhausting than being a SAHP. You both need downtime, but you also both need to get stuck in.

I usually handed the dc off to dh as soon as he's home and showered and then I get on with my night. I tidy up and make dinner, but it's much more relaxing than looking after the kids and it means he also gets quality time with them.

What a surprise. Unfortunately it always seems to play out this way. For some reason women are always regarded as the inferior partner who do all the dogsbody work.
I'd feel embarrassed coming home and putting my feet up in this situation but most men don't give a damn.

The crux of the matter is what are you going to do about it?

mindutopia that’s interesting about how you found working ft is easier than looking after a child. i would say it depends on the work, the person, the child, the mindset of the sahp.

it’s courses for horses. you need to decide between yourselves how you can both stay sane !

Thanks everyone for all your replies, some interesting reading! As one of the previous posters have said I want to get this sorted out now before I become resentful of him & can’t enjoy the time with our baby because I’m so exhausted & burnout from the constant care of him.

I probably should have given some background that I have always done a larger share of the housework & I have been happy to do this due to our difference in working hours (I do a 40 hr week with some work from home which is helpful for sorting laundry, grocery delivery etc) but I have always made clear we would need to be 50/50 on care of the baby when both home to make sure we both know how to do everything & also so we can both get some downtime; I think this is why this is annoying me so much that we discussed this at length while trying for a baby & while I was pregnant but it hasn’t happened this way.

I was very firm during our discussion this morning & he knows I am exhausted & upset so his next move here is very important, I’m determined for this not to continue this way & for our son not to grow up with this unfair scenario as his model for division of childcare in a household.

OP my OH did not want to be the dad who looked back and wished he'd spent more time with his child.

He absolutely put the time and effort in and now has a fantastic relationship with his child. I also love and respect him more because of it.

Stay firm for all your sakes.

Thank you @Whatabouttery that has really struck a chord with me as I want exactly that for my husband & little boy too, to have that close relationship & to be able to look back with no regrets