Ttc now or wait a while (have a 6 month old)

[SGChome20]

I’m late 30’s, DH early 40’s. It took us around 18 months to conceive our DD. Our plan was hopefully always to have 2 and we were aware our age and fertility struggles meant there would be a smallish age gap as well. I thought we’d maybe wait to ttc until I was back at work and DD settled in nursery. My DH has said that we should start trying now as we don’t know how long it will take. My worry is what if it happens first time and my body hasn’t really had a chance to heal (c-section) and of course the madness of 2 children so close in age. I also worry how my employer would judge me but I realise i need to put that to the back of my mind. My DH is not putting any pressure on me btw and accepts we both have to be on board and it’s my body that would carry child etc etc.

I guess I’m maybe just asking WWYD in my position? Wait and it might not happen at all or take 18 months again or go for it and run the risk of having a newborn and a 15 month old?

I was very similar to you. Age 39 with OH early 40's, we had our first. Took a year or so. We tried again and were lucky first time. To be honest it's been brutal but having a 15 month gap but to be honest I'm not sure it would be easier if the older one was say 2 (more jealousy etc).

I'd say go for it and plan as much help as you can if you have a small gap, especially for the lifting and handling. Good luck whatever you decide!

Thanks @Ed1n that’s what we are weighing up atm. Oh to have a crystal ball for life!

Tbh if you don't feel ready, particularly if you don't feel physically recovered yet, I'd be tempted to wait even just a few more months.

Don't forget also that two close in age is also two sets of nursery fees at the same time until one gets to 3 (if relevant obvs).

My nhs consultant wouldn’t commit to anything when it came to timescales. My private consultant, however, said to wait a minimum of 12 months (ideally 24) before conceiving again after a c section. He was very clear about the 12 months though due to the risks to your body. Baby is 6 months now so waiting another 6 months isn’t too long to wait. I understand why your dh wants to start trying, but your health comes first.

@Bibidy it’s not so much that I don’t feel recovered, more as @User135792468 says, that there is a time that you are advised to wait for your body to heal. I’ve read some places minimum 6 months but others up to 2 years. I really wouldn’t want to wait it out for the 2 years.

@User135792468 did your consultant say what the risks actually are? All I can see is higher risk of uterine rupture (of course that is serious but I wondered if there were other risks)

Will you/your dh be able to afford to either stay at home or afford two in childcare at full price (before funded hours kicks in)? Two in childcare is quite expensive compared to most people's incomes, and it's one of the main reasons we waited.

That said, personally I would want to get closer to a year before TTC. There's a 5 year age gap between mine (youngest born when I was 37). But I think I would want at a minimum 2 years, though obviously you never know how long it will take so I can understand why you would want to get started right away. I found 7-12 months to be particularly challenging and I'm not sure I'd want to be newly pregnant with a baby that age.

The childcare costs aren’t an option due fortunately. We had planned on two kids and saved really well partly planned and partly thanks to covid stopping any socialising but salaries remained the same. Not saying we wouldn’t have to go without things but it wouldn’t be a deciding factor.

Childcare costs aren’t an issue I meant.

Don’t quote me but I think the most significant risks are two births in a year. I had an uncomplicated vbac and was quoted higher but still small risk of rupture with 15 month gap.

As I wasn’t planning on ttc within the year, I don’t know remember absolutely everything as it was also quite a while ago.

The guy was very old school and was born and trained abroad but he was one of the most wonderful doctors I’ve ever had. Some of the things I remember him saying are (I’m paraphrasing , these weren’t his exact words before someone jumps on me):

1. Uterine rupture being the main one
2. Higher likelihood of blood loss in surgery and longer recovery time due to body not being healed before having another major surgery in the same area.
3. Lower birth weight in babies
4. Lots of organs etc and pushed out of place and your body needs time to get back to normal
5. Long term back issues due to carrying a baby inside and carrying the other baby around
6. Hormones still not settled after the first pregnancy
7. More likely to have postnatal depression as recovery is slower and two very young babies that need a lot from mum.

A lot of these things aren’t maybe discussed on the NHS website as they don’t have studies to prove it all. I think the consultant was talking more from his own (vast) experience.

@User135792468 that’s interesting re PND link, although I guess there’s never a guarantee. Thanks for your other points. Definitely gives some food for thought.

If I were you, OP, I'd start when your little one is around 9 months old.
You have to, in your late 30s/early 40s, leave a little room for error, unfortunately.
Mostly, people your age get pregnant with no issues or losses whatsoever... but just in case, I'd make the most of this window and start sooner rather than later- not this minute but in about 3 months, maybe August/September (you could have a May/June baby, which is lovely).

[quote SGChome20]@User135792468 that’s interesting re PND link, although I guess there’s never a guarantee. Thanks for your other points. Definitely gives some food for thought.[/quote]
Good luck with your decision Op. Given your ages, it really is a tough one. I think the reason this consultant was so adamant about 12 months was that he said that it’s at 6 months + that carrying a baby really puts a strain on a woman’s body (even if you feel fine). This way, if you wait a year to conceive then it’s 18 months from when you had the c section to when your body is most affected. Having had a Google, there isn’t really much info out there apart from uterine rupture. I’m no dr though, maybe speak to your gp?

Similar to you, and conceived DC2 immediately when we gave it a chance. DC1 was 26 months when she was born. In your position I would still wait a bit, to feel at least a bit more ready. Pregnancy 6 months after birth must be hard physically and emotionally as well.

Split the difference and wait until 12 months. I was younger than you but we had the conversation about a second when DC1 was 14 months old, and conceived the next week. Being pregnant with a 1yo was hard work! I do know a couple of people who have had the gap you are talking about but they were not CS births. It’s just very soon for that scar to be stretched, another 6 months will make a huge difference. Uterine rupture would be absolutely awful and potentially catastrophic for you and baby.

I didn’t have a CS but became pregnant 6 months after DS1 was born, it’s a lot more difficult being pregnant with a (what is now) a 1 year old. I don’t know if all the getting up and running around would be more difficult after major abdominal surgery(?) maybe. It really is difficult to carry a 10+kg lump around every day when pregnant I completely underestimated the difficulty in that.

We took 13m TTC DS1 and we were lucky and fell pregnant the first month we started weaning at 6m just like the nhs website says is when you should think about alternative contraception if using LAM.

Everything seems pretty nuts already and I’m sure it’s about to get a whole load more nuts when they’re here.

Good lucky with what you decide, if I were making the decision again I’d definitely wait a little longer just so I didn’t have to pick up/carry DS1 so often. But I may enjoy the smaller gap when they’re here so who really knows?!

Similar situation here - late 30s/early 40s but took us the best part of four years to have DS. Thought if it took half that long it would be a good age gap but hey presto no 2 will be here when he is 15/16 months old.

Didn't have a CS so can't help with that side but honestly I don't think there is a 'perfect' age gap - they all have pros and cons. Keeping positive that I still remember what to do/have all the baby stuff and the close ages means they will hopefully enjoy doing similar things for a while.

I was really nervous about telling work and held off til much later than previously (20+ weeks one of the benefits of WFH!) but everyone has been great (well to my face anyway....). If a second is part of the plan then it really doesn't matter when. At least I know when I go back again that is it (definitely not planning a third!).

Thanks everyone it definitely gives us some things to think about and consider. I have heard of people having difficulties ttc the first time but then conceiving very quickly with a second. Also heard the opposite way to be true but obviously that’s not our situation.

I think we will hold off for a few months and reassess things then. Ultimately I really wish I’d met my husband a bit younger but that is what life throws at you!