5yo DD suddenly refusing to leave me

[Furngully]

HELP! My gorgeous daughter has all of sudden started refusing to leave my side. She has enjoyed school this year (when she's been allowed to go in around lockdown) yet this last week she has refused to go into the classroom. She had a spurt a few weeks ago of refusing to get dressed for school but a reward chart has seemingly resolved that blip. However now she gets all the way to school and once she can see the classroom she starts saying she cant do it and wont go in. I've tried every technique I can think of, spending hours at the gates (literally) to persuade her to go in - to the teacher taking her off me and me leaving her screaming at the door. This weekend she was supposed to go to her dads as normal but refused. I tried for 4 hours Friday night at the park for handover, 3 hours on Saturday on his doorstep and 2 hours again Sunday in a car park to get her to go ( I thought a neutral swap over place would work). She just says she misses me and cant leave).

I've spent the last week crying in my car feeling like the worst mum on the planet. Clearly something is going on in her head but despite hours of talking to her about it its not making a jot of difference and i feel completely helpless. Has anyone been through this? The teacher said kids often get tired at the end of the school year but there are 6 weeks of term left and i am now dreading the mornings. Last week she also refused to do any of her afterschool activities which she usually loves.

Any tips or advice anyone can offer me I would be so grateful.

I don't have any advice other to say your not alone! It's hard! I walked back to my car in tears after handing over my screaming 3 year old at the door of nursery. That's every day for the last week now. I know he s OK when he's in but I feel like the worst person in the world leaving him so upset.

Has there been any major changes?

New sibling? Dad got a new partner? You got a new partner? Etc

Onceuponatime1818

My partner has been staying over more the last 6 months or so but he's been on the scene for a few years so I cant imagine its that but I could be wrong. The school has been getting them ready to go up to year one the last few weeks and the ever changing COVID rules has meant some changes to the way things are managed within school.
I guess it could be all of this or none of this

I know very little about what goes on at her Dads - we don't really communicate well and he tells me nothing about his life. When i picked her up from there last time she was very upset as he'd told her off about something. We have very different parenting styles he is much stricter than i am and he doesn't tend to organise much for her when she's there so i think she prefers being at mine. But doesn't explain the school or clubs aversion

We've had this and DS' teacher thinks it's the step up in work for year 1. I don't know what year your child is in but do they do similar ? DS got very tired and emotional and started saying he missed me and needed me. I don't think he liked the new more formal work and he just wanted to play.

We checked on things like subtle questions about who's the kindnest in class and if anyone wasn't kind. And just spaced a few questions during the days checking in things. He seemed to be finding writing his own sentences difficult.

I also tried to bring in more play in the morning and after school to even it out. So I've stopped daily reading books, because he was too tired. And giving extra cuddles, which is lovely.

I was like this. I’d not been to preschool or anywhere so it was such a shock to the system. I just really didn’t want to leave my mum!

Could you luck her up early and not do after school clubs for a while?
Say your happy to pick her up if she promises to do morning drop off with out too much of a fuss?

Might help? Spend a bit more time together and try and ask her more about her dad... and why he told her off to the point she doesn't want to go...?that would really worry me! I'm a single parent too

Pick her up

The after school clubs are not at school, she does swimming and tennis which she usually loves but last week she wouldnt even get in the water at swimming.
Her Dad is very set in his ways and likes his routine which i think she is expected to fall into when shes there. She is only 5 but tells me little bits of their weekend like she ate alone or was in her room alone for ages. At home we do everything together so she is used to having more company and i do try and make everything fun. I kinda get it at her Dads but i don't get the school part - she has loved it since day one. Could it be because the teachers are getting stricter in preparation for year 1?

There might be a reason, but some children do get a sudden phase of seperation anxiety - my dc2 did at 5, and my dc1 at 9 (not the same point in time, there's a smaller age gap). DC1's was only at night and dc2 was completely fine sleeping alone but didn't want to go/ be dropped off anywhere further than walking distance from home without me, including friend's houses he'd happily played at without me and refused to stay even for an hour with grandparents even with his siblings. He was actually fine going to kindergarten (which is where 5 year olds go where I live) as long as I took him, but they had a grandparents day and grandparents were supposed to take the children and stay and do jolly activities (actually a nice idea ridled with potential problems for people without local/ willing grandparents, but that's by the by) and he had afull meltdown and wouldn't get in their car - and I don't use meltdown lightly, it wasn't a tantrum, it really was an out of control epidode of absolute terror from a usually very calm and compliant child.

We were quite worried with dc2 and thinking of approaching the paediatrician (children all have one where we live) but he just got over it by himself after about ten months, so it clearly wasn't anything diagnosable, just a phase!

Good luck getting to the bottom of it

Change at school with talking about changing years is very unsettling. Especially for reception age as they've not been through in and had a bitty year. My DS' Teacher said that some of the things he does now won't be appropriate in year one. That was things like make-believe play I was a bit taken back to be honest since he's five, but she said it's more because he doesn't focus and goes off playing. He had a terrible few weeks after the Easter holidays of crying and trying to refuse school. Apparently the year one prep started then so I put it down to that.

@Furngully

The after school clubs are not at school, she does swimming and tennis which she usually loves but last week she wouldnt even get in the water at swimming. Her Dad is very set in his ways and likes his routine which i think she is expected to fall into when shes there. She is only 5 but tells me little bits of their weekend like she ate alone or was in her room alone for ages. At home we do everything together so she is used to having more company and i do try and make everything fun. I kinda get it at her Dads but i don't get the school part - she has loved it since day one. Could it be because the teachers are getting stricter in preparation for year 1?

Ahh that would make me sad that she eats alone and spends a lot of time in her room alone all weekend.. no wonder she's clinging to you... I'd drop the after school stuff for now and possibly instigate a weekend at home with you every other week. My son gets very clingy when he goes to his dads every weekend too. I think she's going through a natural stage and probably would like a say in how she spends her time and with who.

Sorry ive not explained it very well - she goes to her Dads every other weekend. She spent all of lockdown with me and all the school holidays. Her Dad does the bare minimum.
Can I / should i stop visits with him for a while?

I obviously cant stop school though

I hope you find a way to help her and you.

My 4yr old DC is like this right now and has become very scared and worried about preschool. Tells me constantly she doesn't ever want to go back. I know she has fun there, and she used to love it. She just seems more anxious generally as well. Don't know how best to help, but it feels awful. I'm currently keeping her off where I can, shortening her sessions and giving lots of cuddles and reassurance.

I'd check what she's been watching on YouTube / TV if applicable, I have found sometimes my DC have managed to get on there via the we search and watch things maybe a bit more grown up than I would like. My DC tend to get upset by sad things, like an animal dying.

I’ve experienced similar with my dd of the same age with her in tears not wanting to attend activities she really enjoys as she doesn’t want to leave me. It has grown since April. I finally ordered a book for kids about handling anxiety which has massively helped us. It was recommended by someone on here somewhere, called ‘What to do when you worry too much’. What has helped us is it gets kids to ‘put their worry into words’ so I’ve been able to understand what my dd is afraid of. I’d really recommend it.

Feel for you, my DS is going through a clingy stage, same age 5 and in reception. His not wanted to go to his after school club as he says it’s “to much time away from me”. With reading the other posts it sounds like partly like an age phase, coupled with the year 1prep, it’s a confusing time for them really.
Sounds like you spent along time over 3 days trying to get her to go with her Dad maybe it is too much for her at the moment. I don’t think forcing any of it really helps just have to draw back a little on things that she’s reacting to keep a show of settled and calm for her and hopefully things will pass, she wants & needs you at the moment. You are doing an amazing job don’t doubt that