Fed up with being a shouty mum - 5 year olds bedtime is slowly killing me. Please help!

[BreakHerOffAKitKat]

My 5 year old DD has always been a bit of a nightmare at bedtime but the last few months have become worse and I am at a loss on how to improve things. I am sick and and tired of resorting to shouting at her every single night, I feel like I'm failing and I don't want to end everyday with both her and upset and angry. I absolutely dread bedtimes now because I know it's going to a long drawn out stressful evening.

Bedtime is 7pm, routine is toilet, teeth and a story. I say goodnight then DH pops up to give her a kiss and say goodnight. Guaranteed within 5 mins of us getting downstairs the shouting for mummy starts.

Various reasons, ranging from being thirsty to headache or tummy ache or she just remembers something really important that she just has to tell me or her covers have come off etc etc. Once she told me her mouth was sweaty - it's ridiculous.

This goes on and on and on. She has a bottle of water next to her bed, she has a fan in her room as she gets hot easily, we've got black out blinds so the light evenings don't keep her up, the toilet is right next to her bedroom so she can go if she needs to. She has everything she could possibly need. But it is relentless, if I don't go up the shouting on repeat continues until eventually it is screaming and sobbing. If I do go up it's 99.9% a nonsense reason as an excuse not to sleep.

My DH will go up and tell her to be quiet and get some sleep, the second he is back down she's shouting for me again.

We have tried going up the first time, telling her we won't be up again and ignoring the rest of the shouting but she will not stop. We've tried reward chats - if she goes to sleep with no shouting she can earn a star - she's not managed that once. We've tried consequences and have followed through with them so no empty threats - things like not going to the park as we had planned, no tablet for a week etc but it doesn't make the blindest bit of difference and most nights result in me shouting at her then hating myself for doing so.

I am at the end of my rope, I lost it again with her just now. It's nearly 9pm and she's still awake and still calling down to me. I don't feel like I have an evening any more I end up stressed and angry and I can't do it anymore.

Does anyone have any advice? I am desperate

Thank you all so much for your advice. I have spoken to her about why she needs me to keep coming up and she has said she doesn't want to be alone so now I feel even worse for shouting.

I'm going to push her bedtime back later as I think not being tired is partly to do with it then I'll stay with her after stories until she's sleepy and see where we go from there. I'll report back!

You’re trying to sort it out, guilt never helped, just resolve to do things differently and give yourself a break. There’s a lovely book called ‘the invisible string’ that is about how we are always connected to our loved ones, that I have used when mine has been scared of going to sleep. And a dreamcatcher, special teddies etc. Good luck!

Oh and kids meditation can be useful too

@BreakHerOffAKitKat

Thank you all so much for your advice. I have spoken to her about why she needs me to keep coming up and she has said she doesn't want to be alone so now I feel even worse for shouting.

I'm going to push her bedtime back later as I think not being tired is partly to do with it then I'll stay with her after stories until she's sleepy and see where we go from there. I'll report back!

That sounds like a good step forward @BreakHerOffAKitKat

Don't feel guilty..we are human and kids don't come with an instruction manual, we are all winging it learning as we go.

The important thing is to listen and hear both what she says and any hidden meaning in it. Develop coping strategies for you both and give yourself a hug, you sound like you need it!

If you can afford to make some changes to her room, maybe get her to choose some new bedding/accessories to help make her environment more comfortable for her?

You got this!

My 4 yo is the same, I'm trying a slightly later bedtime and today it's actually worked! I hope it continues! Good luck OP xx

I wouldn’t shout at her. She’s obviously anxious about you leaving her at night & being alone in her room, so she can’t relax. What you & your husband are doing is just upsetting all of you, and a horrible way to end the day. It’ll just make her more anxious. My daughter was the same. I told her “I’m going downstairs now but I’ll be back in five miniutes”. Then I did exactly that. The first night I had to go back 5/6 times, every 5mins, until she was asleep. After about 3 nights I only needed to go back twice, then once. Going back once or twice carried on for quite a while, but I didn’t mind that. She was relaxed & happy, and so was I.

@BreakHerOffAKitKat

Thank you all so much for your advice. I have spoken to her about why she needs me to keep coming up and she has said she doesn't want to be alone so now I feel even worse for shouting.

I'm going to push her bedtime back later as I think not being tired is partly to do with it then I'll stay with her after stories until she's sleepy and see where we go from there. I'll report back!

I so agree with @Terminallysleepdeprived. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing your best!

Not read the whole thread sorry.

My 5 year old won't fall asleep till half 8- 9 no matter how much exercise/ lack of sugar etc. He falls asleep with 1 of us there on the condition that we leave if he tries to chat/ muck around.

He drags out bedtime to get more time with us so playing with him/ wrestling etc between tea and bedtime helps a fair bit. I also find just before sleep is the time he is more able to talk about worries etc. We now allow for this and go up earlier.

I hate losing the evening but planning for it stops me stressing about being up and down..... I read while he goes to sleep next to me usually.

I found leaving the door a bit open and 'doing jobs' in my room or in between my room and the hallway helped mine settle when they were this age. I started saving the laundry sorting for these times!

watch Supernanny. Best way.

So last night was like living in a completely different house.

Bedtime was pushed back to 7.30pm we did stories and cuddles, DH came up and said goodnight then I said I was going to pop downstairs to get mine and DH's dinner in the oven then I would come straight back up and sit with her while she goes to sleep. Not a single shout of "mummy" echoing down the stairs all night.

I'm realistic and am sure it's not going to be that easy straightaway every night but the relief of not being stressed out last night was phenomenal. She didn't wake up until 7am this morning which is unheard of.

She said to me this morning that she loved our extra cuddles last night and asked for the same tonight and she was so chuffed that I'd told her that we were going to make her bedtime later as she's such a big girl.

So thank you - all of you for your advice and support

This update made me smile so much!

Five is still so little and it sounds like she just needs you around at night time, it won’t last forever so enjoy those cuddles! X

Oh this is lovely to hear - happy for you all OP!

Night 2 and 3 were a little more long winded than night 1 but still a massive improvement on the time she goes to sleep and no shouting which is amazing. A bit of perseverance and I think we'll get there. Thank you all again for your support, I'd still be shouting and stressed if it wasn't for you all

That’s great. So pleased for you!

Glad to hear you are having some sucess. I liked the book Unconditional Parenting. It's the complete opposite of Gina Ford, so divides opinions, but some of the messages sink in and can be helpful. Not least that being a parent is hard!