Epic toddler tantrums - feel like worst parent ever

[ArtemisBean]

Feeling absolutely awful. DS is 2 and 9 months and has just started having the most sensational meltdowns. He's inconsolable, hysterical, kicking, flailing all over the floor. It started since DD came along 3 months ago so the catalyst is presumably jealousy. DH and I try so hard to reassure him and give him equal attention but it feels like nothing we do is good enough. He just didn't seem to enjoy anything any more. Every day out is a battle, even if he doesn't have a tantrum. He doesn't want this, 'no!' to that, etc... Is this normal for his age and the new sibling situation?? Or have we massively failed somewhere along the line?

Did is two and was like this from about 2 for three months. Sibling also arrived.

There were one or two I couldn't get her back from, just horrendous.

Since then I have

-been very strict with her routine, absolutely no deviation. Meals, naps etc all same time.
-been very clear with what we are doing. As soon as she gets up today we are doing X. It's nearly time to do X. Shoes on we are going to X. Same with leaving.
-distraction. I spend a great deal of time anticipating a tantrum and heading it off. Oh look a gruffalo. Quick lets chase it. Wow look at those birds. Can you fly like that etc etc.

• naughty step. If her behaviour has been such, eg throwing in house, naughty step. I was sceptical but week one she was on it a lot. I honestly dont think she's been on it in about two months now. She's not perfect but takes the warning.

-ignoring her. If it's safe and she's not harming herself or baby just leave her. It's absolutely attention in her case and if I ignore her and carry on playing or whatever she gives up before I do.

Other than that gin? But yes it's awful, huge sympathy. One of her worst was not helped by a mum friend witnessing it and saying "oh my daughter never does that, she knows I can't be bothered with such stupid behaviour".

Its completely normal honestly. I've got the same age gap between my younger two but I've been very lucky that we've had barely any jealousy, I think because I'm still breastfeeding DD2 so shes got that reassurance and its helped her bond, but we still do get tantrums at times. For us it's whenever she's over tired or out of routine but it's a horrible feeling isn't it, makes me feel like a shit mum when I can't calm her down.

I do a LOT of picking my battles, distracting and avoiding saying no (e.g. if she's asking for chocolate I'll say oooo yeah I love chocolate too, let's have some next time we're at Nanny's house. Now do you want an apple or some rice cakes for your snack?). Avoiding the tantrum is far easier than getting her out of it!

If she has gone off and is screaming then I tend to just let her get it out, stay close but move her away if she hits. Periodically say things like, "You're sad arent you that we don't have any chocolate. I like chocolate too. If you want a cuddle I'm here." Eventually she will give up screaming and come over for cuddles. Its harder out and about obviously - if a tantrum starts in the middle of tesco or on the bus I tend to give her crisps and peppa pig on my phone. Mum of the year! But its a novelty so it works.