How to deal with unhelpful and unsolicited ‘advice’ from strangers

[Penny2020]

New mum here, just been out on my first trip to the supermarket with my 1 month old and encountered my first interfering granny giving me advice on my parenting. She stopped us in the middle of a busy aisle with lots of people watching. I very awkward. I assume this will be the first of many times this happens and I’d like to have a standard response ready to go for when this inevitably happens again. I’m not one for confrontation so I’d like to be polite but with undertones of ‘bugger off I don’t care what you think so leave me alone’.

Anyone got any standard responses which shut down the conversation without rudeness or an awkward stand off?

I can’t say I’ve ever come across this in 5 years. I’ve had parents share what worked for them when I’ve complained about the current situation and I just say thanks I will consider it.

What was she saying? I think I would just laugh and say something like "well, we're all different" and walk off before they can say anything else.

You just have to develop a thick skin. Mostly people are doing it with the best of intentions but I know it's annoying. Try to accept the nice stuff and just ignore the judgy or negative stuff. I'm sure you know what you're doing as much as any parent of their first kid (i.e. not really but perfectly capable of learning).

Smile and wave.
Literally say :that's interesting, thanks'. Move along. Ignore if you want to.

What were you doing that she deemed so terrible?

Only asking as I've got through 3dc and 25 years as a parent and never had strangers giving advice, ever.
People will often stop and admire when there is a gorgeous baby nearby, but 'advice' is unusual in those circumstances.

I smile, nod, go uh-huh and move on.

Just keep walking, you don't have to stop!

You care less with time though. In those first hormonal months some of the crap strangers came out with really upset me. My DD is nearly 3 now and i give zero fucks. About anything, really!

When my little boy was a newborn I used to just think of the penguins from Madagascar ("smile and wave, boys" ) and try and escape asap....I would later offload onto my DH about said "advice".

These people might have been on their own for months and just want a chat, who knows.

In terms of prevention, shop quickly, avoid eye contact or use online xx

He's fine/ she's fine / we're fine. I think it's not too rude but just kind of shuts the conversation down. If they persist then get firmer.

What did she say to you?

Smile and nod.

My friend got her daughter a t shirt that said 'my
Mum doesn't want your advice'

Just smile and say thank you you’ll try it, then move on.

Well, what did she say?
Was it, ‘have you tried putting whisky in baby’s bottle to get them to sleep? ‘ Or, ‘you should be potty train by now?’
Or was it, ‘ Gosh, time goes so fast with babies, I hope you enjoy it’

The ones that used to get me were the men aged 50+ who you know never actually did look after their own kids or the smug young mum who obviously only had two perfect demure girls who told me she never brought her children to the supermarket when doing a full shop, she left them at home with her husband...she was objecting to my 4 year old standing close to her in the checkout queue (this was waaaay before covid). I could have punched her as i had recently separated from my now ExH.

Lol what did she say?

I don’t get advice as such because people are too busy saying stupid things about twins...

The thing I get the most is my neighbors, all of them commenting “OMG you’re outside!” Or “You really must try to get out more” every. Single. Time. They see me out 😂😂

So many useful comments already - thank you everyone. The penguins ‘smile and wave’ will really stick with me - and hopefully give me a smile to alleviate my frustration.

She wasn’t suggesting anything outrageous at all, I had a muslin draped over the front of her buggy, she’s been awake since 5am this morning and I could not get her to sleep so finally went for a drive in the hope to soothe her, so when I went in to the shop I wanted to keep her asleep without her looking around and getting distracted. The lady stopped me to say ‘oooh you mustn’t have that muslin there as the baby will overheat, it’s very dangerous’ (we were in a freezing cold supermarket!!!). She was perfectly nice about it, I wouldn’t want to be rude to her at all but I’ve made a conscious parenting choice and don’t want to change it because of her advice. Plus we were surrounded by other people and I didn’t know whether to ignore her or lift the muslin. I lifted the muslin due to peer pressure and….baby woke up!!! Hence why I want a way to say thanks but still ignore them.

Thank you to the poster who acknowledged its maybe that she hasn’t had anyone to talk to for weeks and just wanted to engage in conversation, very sobering reminder and I’ll keep that in mind too.

And so interesting that so many people have never had this experience, I assumed it would happen all the time so maybe I am the one that just needs to chill out

Tbh she's right... you're not supposed to drape anything over a pram, even in a 'freezing' supermarket.

"I dont mind your giving me uncalled for advice so long as you dont mind my not taking it" Smile and walk away.

To be fair she's right, it is a risk. Many will day not her business but others will say child wellfare is everyone's business

We're you already aware of the dangers and current advise?

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/baby-summer-safety/#

"Babies’ prams and buggies should not be covered with blankets, cloths or any cover that prevents the air circulating. Covering a pram or buggy with a blanket could lead to overheating, which increases the chance of SIDS. Using a cover also creates a barrier between parent and baby, which is risky as parents won’t be able to see if their baby is having difficulties or monitor their temperature easily."

Agree with others.
The advice is right, and not known by all people.
In a safety case, imagine how you'd feel if you let someone carry on - because they didn't know about how easily babies can overheat in that scenario - and then they were taken ill

Fair play to her for being brave enough to risk a bollocking from a stranger in order to protect a small baby. Most people wouldn't.

Assuming you were already aware of SIDS risks I'd just say thanks and smile. If you didn't actually know she was sharing good advice then I'd be a bit more humble.

Well she was right. However you are the mum and therefore you are the boss. So you could have said 'oh really, thanks' gritting teeth into a smile. And do absolutely nothing whilst walking away.
Don't be pushed around!

Smile and wave. And walk away.

I had this all the tine while on paternity leave, at least once a week. Mainly old women, ranging from 'He's too hot/cold' to 'It's the woman's job to look after the baby and the man's job to look after the woman'. It was water off a duck's back to be honest, I knew I was doing a good job and nobody's advice would tell me otherwise

She was right to say something when she saw something actively dangerous. Not the same as making a comment about dummies or bottle feeding etc.

She was right though...!