Managing my anger

[ashamedatmyself]

Before anyone reads on, can I just say that I know I'm awful. I really really do. I'm so ashamed and I hate myself. I know what I'm about to say is awful.

My toddler is a very normal (challenging) child. I am really really struggling with holding my temper with her in some situations, in particular when she is being difficult and jumping on me/squirming/being difficult re getting dressed. She sort of does this leaping on me thing and it just makes me flip.

When she does this I get such an urge to smack her bottom or arm. I was spanked as a child and it is absolutely not what I want. But I have found myself being too from with her - grabbing her arm or holding her waist to dress her. I feel sick when I think about it.

I grew up in a difficult house. My dad hit us, whenever he lost his rag (often, as in daily) as did my mum when she was drinking. I don't want this. I want to be better. I love my child. I really really do. I just don't know anything different. And when I loose my rag, I just - revert to being six and having no way to express or defend or safety and I want to hit back. I don't think it's a surprise that this issue occurs when she is being 'physical' with me. If she's having a toddler tantrum and not touching/jumping on me, I honestly don't have this issue. It's the physical nature of it all, I think.

If she comes and jumps onto my lap to read a book, it's also fine. It's just when her behaviour is poor I go blank. I suspect I may have been handled in a similar way - can't ask my dad (NC) and my mum died some time ago.

But I am scaring myself with the intensity of the feelings when I'm cross, and I need to work out what to do. I need counselling maybe? I've contacted my local charity offering this and joined the waitlist. Private isn't an option right now.

Can anyone please please give me some advice?

I know I will get a pasting here, and frankly I deserve it. I will leave but my husband doesn't think that's the right choice. I don't want anyone to think the above is me making excuses but I feel like the physical context is key to why I find it so hard to behave like the parent I want to be.

I have had similar feelings. I think it started as post partum rage actually, but had never really gone away. I am triggered by noise and 'misbehaviour'. I'm taking CBT sessions which actually seem to be helping (to my surprise - I was skeptical!!). I know how hard it is so you have my sympathy. Look into CBT perhaps; mine is free and I found is through the NHS website. You mentioned counselling - that could be a good option too.

You are not a bad mum. You are being triggered by something and reacting without really thinking.

I sometimes do the same. My dad was very violent and used to grit his teeth before going mad. The act of gritting teeth makes me feel scared inside...yet when my children push my buttons I find myself doing exactly the same.

My reaction scares me.

I have no real sound advice but when I got that mad I would take myself off to my room to calm down because I needed to get away from them.

I realise you might not be able to do that quite fine easily with a toddler; but wanted you to know you are not alone.

Oh CBT is a really good suggestion, thank you. I will investigate and find something. It can't make things worse.

I fee really low about it all. I definitely had PND and had some counselling/support for that.

Thank you for being so kind.

I grit my teeth too, and the intensity of my emotions frightens me sometimes. If my husband is around I go upstairs to calm down sometimes. It is definitely something to address, but please don't feel alone in it. A lot of us are dealing with similar anger issues after having kids. Identifying your specidic triggers is a really good first step. I was taught 'grounding techniques' in CBT and I'm amazed that they're actually making a difference to me. It's great your looking for help to deal with this, and I wish you so much luck!

@indecisivewoman81 I do try to walk away - but as you say, it's not always possible. Sometimes we have to get dressed and go to nursery or whatever. Money/schedules are tight at the moment and I think that's part of it. I'm generally a bit stressed and I am finding two a hard age.

I think I need to work out some ten seconds in my head strategies whilst I am irk out what to do with CBT/counselling etc.

Physical autonomy is so important to me and it's the loss of control over that I'm reacting to.

In writing this all down I feel like I have gained more perspective about what's triggering me and therefore maybe I can anticipate and change? I hope so. She's wonderful and I don't want her to learn this from me.

Thank you @surreygirl1987 too.

I feel really relieved to know I am not the only person struggling with this. It's not something I would feel comfortable discussing with friends etc and I felt like I must be the only person

You have my sympathy. I read a book called How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids which helped me to see more objectively what was happening when I got angry - although it sounds like you're already familiar with your triggers etc. A turning point for me was asking the HV to refer us for parenting advice to deal with DC's challenging behaviour. We got some leaflets and a couple of phone calls. It doesn't sound like much, but their advice helped us tackle one scenario (mealtime meltdowns) which made me angry every day. Once that one thing was better, I had more energy to handle other daily flashpoints a bit better. I still get angry but DC has now finally grown out of most of the behaviours that set me off.

Please know that it's ok to make sure your daughter is safe and step away for 5 minutes to refocus. Just say that "mummy will be back in a minute" and take a quick breather whenever those feelings bubble up. I went to my doctor when my feelings of intense anger made me feel resentful towards my toddler. I was extremely sleep deprived and went onto anti depressants and mini pill to help me regulate my emotions better. It worked and I felt more in control. I was also able to reach out to my sister who supported me as I felt so ashamed.
Looking back now I can see that I postnatal depression although I never though so at the time.
You sound like you're trying your best not to let history repeat itself. Keep trying your best and look after yourself.

I really feel for you OP. I totally empathize. Some things that helped me;

• apologising to your daughter and specifying what it is you shouldn't have done ("I shouldn't have grabbed you like that") and what you should have ("I should have walked away").
• knowing and keeping in your head that you're being triggered. I find it most difficult to manage my triggers when they take me by surprise
• expecting to control your own behaviour, not your daughters. Recognising that the key to managing these situations is not getting your daughter to stop but to manage your own reactions.
• going over in my head "what's the worst that could happen if she doesn't get dressed/brush her teeth/come when I call her? What might my response be instead of anger? What would I say/do?" I found thinking those scenarios through intensively helped me picture them better, which in turn helped play them out better.

I would also suggest counselling if you can afford it. It sounds like it's bringing some significant issues up for you and you'd benefit from talking those through. Or writing things down that are in your head around it. I wish you all the best. Well done for reaching out, it's not easy at all.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to jump on and say you are clearly not a bad mum, please don't hate yourself. You are doing your best to learn from your own childhood and be a different kind of parent for you daughter. You've recognised that you might need some sort of help to do that and admitting that is something you should be proud of.

Hi OP,
I just want to say I get triggered into states of emotion/behaviour I don't want to by certain aspects of parenting. I had a really happy childhood.
You seem to be putting yourself in this category of 'really especially awful mum'. It sounds like you are instead in the category of 'mums that get triggered by stuff'. This is a really big category! The majority of mums I'd say. Like you say it's not something really discussed but the few times I have shared with other mum friends the things I do/have felt that I'm ashamed of their response has been that they have those moments too.
You seem very self aware and are looking for ways to regulate your emotions and change your responses. This is wonderful and I wish you all the best. You're not awful, you're just not emotionally invincible - none of us are.

I have felt the same too when my baby had constantly pulled out clumps of hair!

We rarely misbehaved as children and were very quiet and behaved as we'd also get smacked and my dad hated noise. The teeth gritting thing also happened and I hated it at the time. I worry that I'd mirror the way I was raised and have to consciously remember we don't smack as it happened when I was younger..so strange

I've been reading 'The book you wish your parents had read' for some tips on how to move away from those behaviours I experienced that I don't want to pass down

Hi op,
Parenting is really challenging as well as rewarding. We all bring our life experiences into it with us and it’s really hard to change our behaviour sometimes.
You are asking for help and have said you want to act differently, I’ve been in similar situation too. Please contact support services, NSPCC have a phone line for support, access parenting support from your local council children’s services, there are many different types of support available.
I have done parenting courses and watched videos etc to help.
It does sound like counselling would be useful for you too.
Try to not be too hard on yourself, we all struggle at times. Please get support now as they can get more challenging in the teenage years xxx

A poster already mentioned The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read - really useful for thinking about how the way we were parented affects the way we are as parents. You're not awful OP - you're fighting against some patterns of behaviour which were laid down when you were very young and are hard to break free from.