Two year old loses his mind with me

[AnotherGo]

Hey

Any helpful advice pls?

My two year old (just turned two, 25 months) has the most CRAZY destructive tantrums but he only does it with me, his mum. He is generally v. angry with me (but he is so kind and sweet to other children and other adults, like a real sweetie, hugs everyone etc) but with me - he is VERY affectionate one minute but then loses his god damn mind over nothing. Like if I brush my teeth, or pick up something, or anything. He will bang his head, bite himself, throw everything he can, bite objects (never bites me tho), and scream and scream until he starts coughing

He's just been in hospital with febrile seizures (v. scary for him, oxygen up his nose etc) and it's been much worse since he was discharged on Monday. It also got much worse when his little baby brother was born. I wasn't allowed in the hospital with him as only one parent and it made more sense to be his dad as I'm breastfeeding our newborn. But I feel horribly guilty that he was having all those invasive things happen to him without me. I was allowed to visit once in 2.5 days and he clung to me like a little bear. But then I had to leave.

He is has v. few words (a handful). I keep reading be gentle, be kind, it's coming from frustration - so I'm so loving and patient as I can be - but he still throws, hits, bites and screams. Why does he only do it with me? Should I be stern when he throws stuff? My current approach of trying to get down to his level, and cuddle him, talk to him, etc is NOT working. Should I be cross when he hurtles stuff at the wall? I'm treading on egg shells as any one thing I do could set him off. I want to take him to see my parents next week but i'm scared to as my mum will judge us so hard if he meltdowns.

Any advice so welcome

Given the circumstances, that sounds like a totally unexpected reaction from a just turned two year old.
He's getting to tantrum times age.
Birth of younger sibling.
Separation from Mum.
Some difficult experiences in hospital.

No means of understanding these huge events.
No means of verbalising his complex feelings, and dealing with them that way.

It's not your fault.
It's not his fault.

It will pass.
He needs massive reassurance and love from you. He's tantruming with you precisely because he feels safe to show how he's feeling with you.

If possible, try not to 'reward' a tantrum: eg , dont give a treat when it stops.
But don't punish either.
Give so so so much attention when he's not in a tantrum, love, reading, games, telling him how much you love him, and how important he is to you.

Be his loving rock- he needs you, and this will pass.

And if it's going to give you stress, postpone the visit to your parents.

This is no time to be with those who might judge, and not support.

His time to recover from this series of events is as needed , and real, as convalescence after major surgery.

He sounds like a toddler to be honest hats dealing with a lot of changes in his little life. Wait it out.

Perhaps he has the tantrums with you because you're his safe space, he knows he can let out all the things that have happened to him that build because he doesn't have the skills to deal with them emotionally yet. It's draining, I know, I'm right there with an almost 2 year old but we just have to ride it out and be there for them with hugs to let them know it's OK.

Thank you so much for this advice. So he just woke up from his nap and it was just me and him in his bedroom and he started to wail and throw all his books at the wall. I didn't get angry but I also want him to stop. Do I just pick him up and take him out the room? There is pure anger/fear in his little face....now he is sitting on my lap quietly cuddling me. Its chalk and cheese. My MIL is staying and she is hiding from us because she's been so terrified of him! Silver lining and all that. Ha

I tend to just sit there, offer my hand if DD wants it otherwise stay calm and then when she calms a little I offer a hug. If she is ready she'll take it and I tell her it's OK to feel upset and I love her. If she isn't ready she might go back into a tantrum mode but I just wait longer and do the same. Its obviously not always ideal to do it that way (if she is in an unsafe place like kicking off when she is halfway up the stairs I need to lift her to somewhere that is) but it's my go to move.