3 year old’s eating and sleeping in a total mess. HELP.

[Sarahvn]

We are in a total mess with our 3 year old’s eating and sleeping habits. Looking for advice from anyone who has been in this situation and found a way out of it. If things have been straight forward for you -great - but I don’t want to hear about how you do things - I want to hear from people who have worked their way out of a hole and how they did it.

So 3 year old has always been picky eater but it is now getting RIDICULOUS! He currently refuses even the foods likes. He still breastfeeds though this had reduced significantly before his 10 week old sister was born he is now back demanding breast milk instead of proper food. Or chocolate.
I tend to give into the request so that we don’t end in a total meltdown and nothing going in. After milk or chocolate I at least get him to do something, playing, trip somewhere or something and then while he plays I manage to feed him perhaps some toast or something. Meal times at the table I serve a reasonable meal with vege and fruit but all that gets eaten at the moment (if we are lucky) is rice or pastry or potato smileys (that I sometimes manage to smuggle some scrambled egg into) the eating is mostly me putting small mouthfuls into his mouth whilst he is distracted by a video on the iPad. Or sometimes I can put the pieces in his hand and then he will eat from there.
Sleeping - he resists falling asleep at night like you wouldn’t believe. He was napping in the day until recently - falling asleep quite easily in the pushchair and then having to be woken up from the nap else he would sleep over 2 hours but at night we were up till gone midnight every night trying to get him to sleep. Now we have dropped the nap and he generally is getting to sleep by about 9:30 but tonight that was after an over tired grumpy toddler all afternoon, NOTHING eaten at dinner and 3 hours of alternating hyper playing and hysterical crying and refusing to lie down. At night he sleeps about 10 hours but this includes 2/3 wake ups which I usually can quickly breast feed him back to sleep from. If that fails he will be up for about 2 hours of trying to settle him back down again.

Help!!!????!

The first thing I would do is take the iPad away at mealtimes and stop feeding him. Ditch the chocolate too.

If he's refusing food that you know he likes, it's because mealtimes have become a power battle. He's doing this to get a reaction from you. From now on, he feeds himself and you act as if you don't care whether he eats anything or not.

I tend to give into the request so that we don’t end in a total meltdown

This is the problem.

You need to be firm and set boundaries.

He's learnt you'll back down and get his own way.

You need to ditch the iPad. No screen time during and after dinner will help him settle down for bed.

Implement a bedtime routine - bath, story, bed - and stick to it. Routine, routine, routine.

Good luck

Agree with PP, its a power play (possibly related to the arrival of his sibling). Offer him dinner and tell him there are no other options and ride out the tantrum - don't feed him, give in with chocolate or give him an ipad. Has he gotten used to you feeding him to sleep? This may also be another power play so he'll refuse to go back to sleep unless he gets his breastmilk. It's fine if you want to continue breastfeeding but some sleep training is likely needed - I don't know what would work for a 3 year old but used the supper nanny timed controlled crying on our 2 year old and worked a treat. Hard work but worth it in the end. What is his bedtime routine like? Does he have a calming hour before bed ready to sleep or does he have free reign of the house to run around and play and then it's straight to bed?

Totally agree with poster above.

Sorry but you need to stop with the battles!

No attention at all on him at meal times, no iPad/ screens of any kind (I have three children and they watch screens sometimes so this is no judgment) but he needs calm quiet space.

He needs to go a bit hungry - this won't hurt him. If he won't eat then he won't eat, when he starts complaining tummy hurst offer two things only. It will be a battle. But perhaps only days we're not talking weeks.

Have I read that wrong or have you just had a new baby? This is about your attention and not food. Do you have support, can anyone help with baby around meal times etc whilst you get things back under control?

You need to go back to basics. Stop any treats and start again with the simplest of things, one slice of toast for example, that's it. A piece of cheese. Sliced Apple. One thing on his plate to eat for any meal time.

In my experience eating is very physiological especially in young children. Anytime you are preparing food and it's convenient for you I would have him help, as this is a good introduction to healthy eating habits.

Food play is really useful too (but obviously depends on food budget) as you would cut up lots of colourful fruit and veg lay it out and make faces/ pictures/stack it etc this is a technique used sometimes when children have been unable to start solids at the normal age due to medical issues.

I would possibly think about weaning but that's a very personal choice so hard to advise on.

Mainly give yourself a break! If you start feeling frustrated walk away/ next room/ breathe! You are the grown up you've had more years of being stubborn than him!!

I hope things get easier

Poor lad is confused about who sets the rules and about expectations.

Take a step back and calm down. Don’t worry so much. Then reaffirm boundaries. Stop feeding him and give him some control over what he’s eating. To be fair, potato smileys and scrambled egg wouldn’t get eaten by many people through choice.

If you’re feeding him, he hasn’t had a chance to learn about cutlery yet. So lots of things he can pick up but with a spoon and fork to start that process. Veg sticks, grated cheese (or cubes), homemade chicken nuggets, plain pasta, homemade pizza fingers, pitta and hummus,. Children usually like things such as boiled egg and toast soldiers that they can dip, star shaped sandwiches, fruit cubes, berries etc

Take any sense of reward or anger out of mealtimes. Don’t cajole or persuade. Certainly don’t follow him round with a spoon. Let him do it. Have picnics in the park or garden, cook together, make food fun.
Get rid of chocolate or other junk completely. If he melts down, he melts down. He’ll survive and begin to understand the word no.

At mealtimes serve as usual with enough things to offer him choices. No comment, no persuasion, no hovering looking worried. An expectation he sits at table with you. Talk about something nice. Nursery, superman, his favourite teddy. Anything but food. When the meal is finished clear away without comment. Don’t worry about whether he’s eaten or not. Move on.

Don’t try and top up meals with milk or other foods. Stick to usual set meal times and usual snack time (toast and peanut butter, cheese and crackers, fruit).

Agree with the comments above. This is about attention, pushing boundaries and control. All standard stuff for a three year old but with the added complicated of a new baby thrown in the mix. I've got a 3yo and a 7 mo so know how you feel

I'd look at resetting your boundaries and sticking to them, and making sure this is the same for both you and your OH (if you've got one) as it won't work if one of you is being firm - the chocolate and screens would be the first things to go if it was me. I'm a big fan of picking my battles so for us we let DD pick if she wants a bath or just a wash before bed - she feels like she's got some control and she's still getting clean(ish). We had another flash point about bedtime so she "reads" a book in bed by herself after her stories before going to sleep. I try to make sure I give her one to one attention while the baby is asleep during the day, we have a good run round every day at the playground and she goes to nursery so gets plenty of playtime with other children.

I've had still have a very fussy eater who had and still had difficulty in getting to sleep.

First thing I'd do is to night wean. Dr Jay Gordon's Method is very gentle.

Once you've cracked night weaning, I'd make milk feed only available after meals. You could just pick a tile when you do want to feed, like before bed and tell him you'll do it then. Three year olds can often be placated with a drink and a healthy snack.

Is he getting much exercise? My one who has trouble settling needs a lot of wearing out, so reduce screen times if you can and get outside. She always loved (and ate more) if there was a bit of novelty so a little picnic outside or even inside if it's raining.

I'd also ditch the screens at mealtimes, as tenting as they are. I found a simple audio story worked really well if it was just me or them. I've even taken in MacDonalds policy and play soothing classical music sometimes if I think things may start to go put of shape.

I tend to give into the request so that we don’t end in a total meltdown

This is at least 90% of your problem. Your son knows if he kicks off, he gets his way. Stop allowing a 3 year old to rule the roost.

I think I would recommend ditching the breastfeeding. Sounds like it’s impacting both his appetite and his sleeping habits. I know this is an incredibly personal decision but I found it helped crack loads of issues with my daughter when I stopped. Granted she was 18 months though. He’s of an age where you could discuss it with him? Say he’s a big boy and now gets milk in a cup. He could choose a special cup and maybe a treat/present in exchange for stopping?

Can your husband/partner deal with the wake ups if he’s expecting a feed for night wakings. He definitely doesn’t need it at 3.

Re the food, I’d say don’t make a big deal out of it. If he chooses not to eat then that’s his choice. He’ll soon get the idea if he’s hungry.

Kids know exactly how to push all our buttons. Be kind to yourself, you have a newborn. It’s all so tough. Don’t worry, you’ll get there xx