Nearly 4 year old would not respond to adults

[ponderingthisthing]

My DD is nearly 4.

She has been going to nursery since 1.5 years old and bonds well with the staff and children. She's also generally a very chatty girl at home, and nursery staff say she is funny and generally very happy.

However, I noticed that when unfamiliar adults speak to her, she goes completely blank in the face and does not respond. She cannot even say "thank you" when prompted. It's as if she's frozen. However, once she spends at least half an hr or so with an adult, she then warms up to them and is able to interact. In fact, she loves to interact with people.

I'm worried that her blankness and lack of response will seem rude to people. I fee a bit embarrassed by it as literally anything said to her by an adult is met with silence. She's due to visit her new school in a few weeks for a session and I think she'll probably end up not saying a thing even when asked.

Is this unusual for her age? Is there anything I can do to encourage her to talk? I have tried but to no avail. When I ask her, she comes up with an excuse like "I was just about to cough" or the like 😂. It seems she understands what she's expected to do but just wouldn't do it. I think eventually she will gain confidence and COVID and lockdown probably have a part to play in this. But what can I do in the meanwhile to help her? Any advice would be appreciated!

It's not unusual. Lots of young children are like this.

Don't put her under pressure or on the spot, don't let her see that you are embarassed. Just explain to people that she takes a while to warm up (I'd avoid labelling her "shy" within her hearing as it can become self-fulfilling and make her feel negative about herself).

Try and build her confidence when it’s just the two of you is good. Singing and dancing are good for this. Some parents like to have weekly family chats where each person prepares and presents on a topic & then answers questions - it is hard work but is such a good way of building confidence. It also gives kids techniques on how to handle nerves.

This is completely normal. Sometimes they just need to warm up to people first.

My now 8 year old was like this and in fact, family were surprised to finally realise she could speak because she’d pretty much never said anything before. She never shuts up now and will chat up anyone.

Normal.

Ignore ignore ignore. She is little - the very worst thing you could do is pressure her as you will reinforce it and make her more worried. Loads of kids hide behind parents when little.

I fee a bit embarrassed by it as literally anything said to her by an adult is met with silence. This is your issue not hers. Fwiw, I would judge a parent who pressured their child much more harshly than one who didn't, her behaviour is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Your job is to model really good behaviour.

Thanks all for the advice.

@PracticingPerson feeling embarrassed by it is a natural emotion and does not mean that I am pressuring her. I do encourage her to respond to the adults but obviously leave it if she doesn't say anything.

I have never labeled her as "shy" but I have explained to people that it takes her time to warm up.

@DarcyLewis thank you, that's exactly what I've done

@Ozanj

Try and build her confidence when it’s just the two of you is good. Singing and dancing are good for this. Some parents like to have weekly family chats where each person prepares and presents on a topic & then answers questions - it is hard work but is such a good way of building confidence. It also gives kids techniques on how to handle nerves.

Thanks for the great suggestion. I will have a think about doing this. I asked DDs nursery staff and apparently she does speak at group times there sometimes.

I've met kids who are quiet with adults at this age and then completely open up after going to school so I think that kind of setting helps.

feeling embarrassed by it is a natural emotion so is feeling shy/nervous as your daughter presumably does - focus on her rather than your embarrassment which is not needed. Don't encourage her to open up, just leave her. If you are feeling embarrassed she will be aware of it which will be putting emotional pressure on her.

It is possible you are putting more pressureon her than you are aware of, don;t be defensive, just try to stop being embarrassed.

My DD was like this (now 16). She's got better with age, but still sometimes struggles with unfamiliar adults. It's just part of her personality but she now knows what to do/say to not appear rude but still isn't a natural. However she is the life and soul of a group who she knows and talks far too much! I wouldn't worry at all.

@PracticingPerson

feeling embarrassed by it is a natural emotion so is feeling shy/nervous as your daughter presumably does - focus on her rather than your embarrassment which is not needed. Don't encourage her to open up, just leave her. If you are feeling embarrassed she will be aware of it which will be putting emotional pressure on her.

It is possible you are putting more pressureon her than you are aware of, don;t be defensive, just try to stop being embarrassed.

Yeah, makes sense.

I do wonder if i should just leave it completely or try to talk her through it before/ afterwards to help her understand the situation. Perhaps I'd overdone the "helping" part and should just let her find her own rhythm.

Well you love her and want to help - but definitely too much helping can make things worse. I definitely did this with my own kids over some things.

I would see this as a positive trait op.
Your dd is not trying to please and is deciding to interact based on spending some time with the adult. We should probably be more like this ourselves.