Daughter is stealing sweet things

[mumfromafar]

My 9 year old daughter has been stealing sweets/chocolate for months now and yesterday she stole from another child at school.

Bit of background, my children live with their dad and his gf as I am a recovering alcoholic. I only get limited access in a children's center but this is going to be changing soon. Her dad won't let her stay overnight anywhere until she stops the stealing which upsets me and her at the same time.

I am worried she will end up an addicts like me. I don't know how to help her. She is seeing an ELSA at school and has someone come in to talk to her every two weeks from the GPS where they are making a book about how she is special and mustn't have sugary things. Apparently sugar makes her behaviour very difficult and she gets punished by being sent to her room, not being spoken to and trips away being removed. I am worried that this approach is not working. From my perspective being chastised for my drinking only made it worse, I needed love and support to get where I am.

I am going for coffee with my ex to discuss this on Saturday and he wants me to share my addiction with her and how I cope with cravings. I dont think a 9 year old needs to hear this.

Anyone been through anything similar as I'm so stressed that this is all my fault and she will end up like me.

She's 9 years old and she has been told she isnt allowed anything sweet. Tbh, I'm not surprised at all that she's been trying to sneak them.

Obviously that approach is not working. Why is she not allowed any treats? Is there a solid medical reason? If not, then you all need to chill out a bit and allow her a few treats a week, which will stop immediately if she steals anything extra.

Regarding talking to her about your addiction; absolutely do it. She is 9. She is old enough to be included in a conversation about that, in a child friendly way. But this must be separate to the sweets issue. You absolutely cannot compare her eating sweets to being an alcoholic. No way.

Your ex also needs to sort out punishments. Not speaking to her? That's abuse. It isnt a punishment for bad behaviour. Its abusive and manipulative. You cannot give someone, especially a child, silent treatment due to bad behaviour.

It sounds like neither of you have been great at parenting when bad behaviour is involved. My advice is family counselling. Also, tell your ex to read the book "how to talk so children will listen". And tell him he must stop ignoring her. It cannot go on like that because it does not work.

Apparently it makes her wild when she has sugar then really moody when she crashes. I agree ignoring her is not fair to her, she needs extra attention. She is waiting to see a specialist about her reaction to sugar. She is allowed one treat a day but still steals.

I think you need family counselling. I don’t think sharing addiction experiences to a 9 yo is a good idea tbh.

She’s 9. It’s normal! I stole sweets from home all the time. Loved sweets!

I’m an adult now, never broken the law and have no addiction problems with anything. I still eat lots of sweets, but I’m healthy, slim and fit. I eat lots of fruit and veg too.

Im also slightly questioning the medical basis for this. Theres nothing particularly special about sugar as such compared to other food. Could it be that she blames her behaviour on sugar when she's actually upset about something else? That way all the focus is on what she eats and she gets attention ++?

To be fair I think children should get lots and lots of attention. But not for stealing stuff. Lots of positive attention for everything she's doing right.

Family counselling isn't really possible as he lives far away from me. I feel it's normal I'm just concerned that she now dies it at school.

You know, they did a study with sugar and kids quite a whole ago. Had a group of kids playing, observed by their parents. Then the parents were taken away and came back to carry on watching the kids. The parents were told the kids had had sweets/cakes (but they had not been given anything). All the parents started commenting on how much worse their children's behaviour was, how much more crazy the kids were being. All because they thought the kids had had sugar.

This has been repeated many times. It's in the parent's perception.

Of course, some kids do go wacky on sugar but they also behave just as badly without it.

It's my ex that says her behaviour changes, I haven't seen it myself. She needs attention in the right way not for negative actions.

Yes a lot of parents want to blame something other than their awful parenting for bad behaviour.

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

You know, they did a study with sugar and kids quite a whole ago. Had a group of kids playing, observed by their parents. Then the parents were taken away and came back to carry on watching the kids. The parents were told the kids had had sweets/cakes (but they had not been given anything). All the parents started commenting on how much worse their children's behaviour was, how much more crazy the kids were being. All because they thought the kids had had sugar.

This has been repeated many times. It's in the parent's perception.

Of course, some kids do go wacky on sugar but they also behave just as badly without it.

That's really interesting, maybe she is just an unhappy child because of what she has been through.

The thing you can control is the attention you give her for literally everything positive she does. And maybe yourself too? It can't be easy for either of you meeting at a contact centre. I'd love bomb her. How proud you are that she comes to see you, that she's ready on time, that she makes it the best part of your week, that you're super excited to hear about her favourite teacher, that her dad and his gf are so pleased with her. I am certain you fo all of this and its the right thing imo.

She's already had a lot of upset in her life and you and she must miss each other terribly.
It's fantastic that you are in recovery and also that you will be having more contact soon.
I don't have any thing helpful to add other than the more fuss is made of her behaviour by her father the worse I should imagine things will get. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be consequences for stealing obviously - and yes she should have some privilege removed but I think her df should also remove all negative emotion from the situation.
Stealing food could be because she is feeling insecure and maybe she needs more reassurance.
I do think that children of addicts need extra support and information because they do have a propensity for addiction themselves but obviously it needs to be age appropriate and also a conversation you feel ready for.
Honestly, wish you all the support and peace in your continued sobriety!