Where am I going wrong?

[KitKatKit]

FTM to an almost 9 month old DS, no other kids, DH more than pulls his weight and yet I feel totally and utterly incapable of being a mother.

DS is EBF, bed shares because we all get more sleep. Since we started solids at 6 months I have been making all of his food from scratch, for 90% of it to be flung or not even go into his mouth.

I spend my entire day either prepping his food, or cleaning up, or breastfeeding. He's been teething quite badly the last 2 weeks, non stop crying, won't be put down or picked up, literally is never happy.

He's had high fever, the runs, vomiting etc. I spoke to the GP last week who offered no advice other than "Get Covid tested" (we did, all negative).

My body is beginning to feel busted. My shoulder blades/upper back is in agony, I've had "Mothers Wrist" for 6 months that I just try to manage with, my throat has been sore for many days and I am beginning to feel so so unwell.

This probably sounds like a 'woe is me' thread, and maybe it is. I guess the point of me posting is to find out where I am going wrong, because I'm trying my hardest to do the best by my son in all aspects and feel like I am utterly failing. I want to disappear and never come back.

You poor thing, it's so hard sometimes isn't it.

Ok, all negative so sounds like he's had, has a virus, as now do you. Get some parecetamol into you and calpol into him. ASAP. See how you both are in a day or so, if no better off to doctor to see if tonsillitis or something needing antibiotics.

Can DH give you a rest today, tomorrow for a nap, hot bath and general switch off.

Food wise, give yourself a break. I was never hugely confident with pure BLW or giving what I was eating but it really shouldn't be so time consuming.

Pouches are ok if not feeling great or just because. Scrambled egg on toast, pasta and cheese. Just try and give yourself a few days "off" to regroup and recover.

My back and shoulders were terrible with BF and baby carrying. A chiropractor worked wonders there, if that's something you could try?

Hi OP! Its so tough isnt it. I have some advice for the food. Can just buy some baby sized portion tupperware? I got some from amazon. Can you batch make sauces? Or portions of things and freeze them? I make hidden veg pasta sauce and batch freeze it, then all I have to do is put some pasta on. Do you cook your dinners? Last night I made chicken and leek pie for me and my DH, but made extra and froze some baby portions of the pie mix. Then on the day all I need to do is cook a potato. I have a load of frozen meals like that for my DS.

It is no fun at all to spend hours making food for a baby only for it to be refused or end up on the floor. Stuff that for a game of soldiers - don't bother. Just whatever you're having (as a pp says above) or buy ready-made. Give yourself a break.

I agree with give yourself a break - this part is so part when they need milk all the time and food.

Stop making food so complicated. Breakfast can be toast and butter with some fruit or wheetabix or the new low sugar shreddies and fruit eg blueberries or strawberries so it’s nice and simple. Start making family food.

For your back see a physio. Your still feeding so your ligaments are soft like when your pregnant. Try to swap sides the baby lies when feeding and sleeping during the night and try to alternate which side of your body you carry your baby. Sleep with a pillow between your legs and behind your back. Go for a back massage.

Nap with the baby during the day sometimes. What time does the baby go to sleep at night? At that age I used to bed at 8 with the baby several nights a week.

The only thing you're "doing wrong" (in my humble opinion) is making all his food from scratch! I did that for 2 months and bloody hell it nearly killed me 😂 Now my 10 month old had mostly the same as we do (including some processed stuff although we are careful about salt and sugar... Top tip - the sacla "reduced fat" pesto is also salt-free which is really handy...we have pasta pesto at least twice a week ) plus baby food pouches 2-3 times a week. It makes life a lot more manageable!

I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed OP. I think we’ve all been there. Looking after a baby is really hard work. I think you need to simplify things. The homemade food is a good place to start. Every single thing doesn’t need to be homemade - particularly not if you’re at your wits end. I did a combination of simple foods that take minimal prep, frozen batch cooked things like pasta sauces and sweet potato mash and ready made foods from the supermarket. No harm using pouches and ready made things a few times a week. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, thoughtfully and without judgement.

I know I need to let it go a bit with regards to the meals from scratch, I admit I have some anxiety/control issues, when it comes to food, hence me just making everything from scratch for DS and surviving on the bare minimum myself.

The recommendations to see someone about my back, and batch cook, are especially helpful.

Thank you all.

I have a 7 month old and I just make her what we have. I'm just careful with salt. Pop it in a blender and mash it up. Can batch freeze too. SO much easier than making every meal from scratch. I scrapped that after 2 days

Plus back at work part time now so couldn't be arsed to cook everything from scratch.

Ella's pouches are good too for our and about. But if you want your baby to have home cooked food every time, batch cooking and putting Tupperware in freezer, or just make what you're having just look out for salt content.

It is a bit relentless . The only area that is obvious to fix is the cooking business.
My DC are weetabix or porridge or egg for breakfast; something on toast for lunch eg cheese/ sardines/ tuna/ tomatoes/ egg/ mushrooms with cut up cucumber/ satsuma/ peppers etc and the same as the rest of the family for dinner eg pasta and sauce, shepherds pie, curry, fish and veg etc. I stopped adding salt and chopped meat a bit smaller but otherwise normal food.

You're ill and you have a poorly, clingy baby, and you've probably been running on far too little sleep for far too long, but you're still pressing on and meeting your baby's needs. That isn't failing, that's succeeding even when its tough.

Don't stress about the food so much. Weetabix or porridge or plain live yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, scrambled egg on toast or microwaved falafel or hummus and pitta for lunch. Whatever you're having for dinner. The less hassle it is to prep food, the less annoying it is when they chuck it away.

@KitKatKit you are doing so so well and don't think you are not. You have devoted nearly 10 months to growing your DS and 9 months caring for him since birth. You are absolutely not a failure and you sound like a fantastic mum.

Keep things simpler for a while and can you get a little bit of time to yourself? Have a hot bath while your DS first goes to sleep and go straight to bed, get some early nights as no doubt you are still up in the night with him at times. It's absolutely exhausting at times and some days are pure slogs but you keep on going. Make sure you are eating well and taking some vitamins. I am mum to a 3.8 year old and 18 month old and food still sometimes does not all get eaten or thrown. I've learned to make things easier too and you will feel better once you do. Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

I think you need to cut your self some slack. I think it’s important to preserve your physical and mental health as much as your babies. Get some ready meals to use when you’re knackered, find some tv he really likes to you can sit and chill for a while and maybe try a dummy to see if it settles him. It’s tough when you’re both ill, my baby just started nursery and we both got bad colds, luckily she was happy laying on me watching tv so that’s what we did