8 year old and low self esteen

[happymumof22019]

I’ll start by saying my 8 year old is really struggling at school at the minute. He is in a class in a small country school and is academically well behind the rest of his class. He is in 1:1 and is making progress but it very aware that he is behind and has unfortunately been teased at school about it. He is happy at home but I would say he is generally an extremely sensitive deep thinking child and I have just been finding it so hard as of late trying to help him.

Today was sports day and he was dreading it, I encouraged him with the usual as long as you try your best it doesn’t matter if you get 1st/2nd/3rd etc. I do believe that there should be winners and they should be celebrated but he was the only child not to receive a medal (1st year they have done this) and boom it has knocked him right back down. Now he’s no good at work no good at anything. My heart breaks for him he didn’t need this knock at all but I didn’t want him to miss out and didn’t know it would be so bad.

Can anyone relate or advise me on what to do to help build him up? I just don’t know what to do anymore it feels like I’ve tried so much at this point and like we are just setting ourselves up for really bad mental health issues down the line? Is that overly dramatic I am just so worried about him?

It’s not overly dramatic, these early bad experiences can establish patterns for how he relates to his peers, and how he feels about himself. It’s very sad.

Try not to let your worry and concern show through, as if he is sensitive and deeply thinking he is going to pick up on your anxiety. Be very careful how you question him about school. Instead of asking about work, ask about his friends, ask for stories from his day where he was kind or brave enough to ask to play with someone new, or where he took the lead in a game, ask for funny stories of silly or naughty things other children have done. If he wants to talk about what has not gone well, let him, but don’t ask - wait for him to volunteer. And then help him find positives in his day - there is bound to be something if he looks hard enough. And encourage him not to listen to people who say horrible things to him - if they are horrible, it says more about them than about him, doesn’t it?

I would have a quiet word with the teacher about the teasing too, and mention your son is really taking it to heart and see if teacher can ensure the class don’t treat your son so badly.

I would encourage your son to escape into activities he loves - perhaps he enjoys music and could learn an instrument, or art, or football, or swimming, or baking or whatever. Building his confidence in an area where is naturally comfortable even if he is not brilliant, will make make him more likely to succeed, and build self esteem.

Also maybe find some stories of people who have not been successful at school but then gone on to do great things. Winston Churchill had to repeat a year at primary school, Thomas Edison was kicked out of school age 12 for being too poor at maths to continue and told he was “too stupid to learn anything”. Dylan designed over 5000 vacuum cleaners before he found the design that would earn him a billion dollars. He doesn’t have to be perfect right now, and all this resilience he is learning now will make him a stronger, more determined person in the long run.

I really hope things improve for your little boy.

Thank you so much for your advice and the time and effort to reply. I will definitely take that on board. I spoke to his class TA this morning as he confides in her a lot and she advised as a friend rather than a TA to ring our Health Visitor. I phoned this morning and talked to someone who was very helpful & is going to try and put something in place for him (& me) from their end. Hopeful that we can get past this x

I would also contact the school and suggest they consider introducing a “good sport” medal for children who are perhaps not the fastest but who show qualities such as fairness, effort, determination, support for friends. Maybe they could point out that these are the qualities that are most valued in all walks of life, not just in sport.

Thanks, that is a good idea for sports day.

Having reflected in a way maybe my post yesterday was too much focused on sports day, it just gave me the push to realise/accept that his behaviour & fixating on the negatives isn’t normal. I found myself googling child with weight of the world on their shoulders last night. Hoping he has a better day today. Thanks. X

And just to say I know school did point out that it’s not all about winning etc. I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and have handled it as well as could be expected.