Rude mother in law

[hello1218]

My mother in law has always disliked me. She has not visited our son for over a year. We did a very long trip (7 hours) to go visit her because she refused to come to us. I chose a special gift to take for her to say thank you for having us to stay. I spent a lot of money and effort choosing the gift. When we arrived my partners sister was there with their daughter. The child found the gift and demanded to open it. Instead of telling her no, my mother in law gave the gift to her and told her to take it home - right in front of my face. My partner asked why she did that and she became angry. She said first that she didn't like the gift so gave it away, then she said she just wanted to make the child quiet. I am really upset because I put so much effort to choose the gift but also because we made an effort to go visit. Anyway they invited us to attend a birthday party, I do not want to go now. What should I say to them?

How old is your child? Can you just send DH with your child?

Wow, what a mega rude woman. What does your DH think about her behaviour - does he keep his head below the parapet? If it's her birthday then I wouldn't bother and would wave the 2 of them off with a big sigh of relief, let him explain your absence to his mother. If it's another family member then you could weigh up whether you want to help celebrate it despite MIL being there as this is a time to follow your gut feelings!

@Fitforforty

How old is your child? Can you just send DH with your child?

No he's too young to go overnight without me and he's still breastfed. He gets distraught if I even leave the room so there's no way he'd be able to go away from me for that long

@Billandben444

Wow, what a mega rude woman. What does your DH think about her behaviour - does he keep his head below the parapet? If it's her birthday then I wouldn't bother and would wave the 2 of them off with a big sigh of relief, let him explain your absence to his mother. If it's another family member then you could weigh up whether you want to help celebrate it despite MIL being there as this is a time to follow your gut feelings!

He's upset as well. He rarely calls her out on her behaviour because she's head of the family and controls everyone but on this occasion he did say something to her. The rest of the family are on her side. They say I shouldn't have given her the gift then, that the child is too young to understand (3 years old so I think that is old enough to know you don't take things that are not yours) and that I should have more respect because she's older.

Yep I quiet agree. I won’t let my nearly 2 year old take some one else’s gift - although I wouldn’t at any age.

Does DH want to go. Even without that issue I would say it’s a once a year journey.

Woah that’s a rude lady.

Does DH call her on her behaviour? I’d say that’s step number one. Even if you’re not her ‘cup of tea’ (who’s to say she’s yours for that matter?!) you are clearly making an effort and she should have the manners to do the same.

Are you both of the same culture? I ask because I’ve had issues with my MIL due to culture

I’ve had issues with MIL being a petulant child and ignoring me and lashing out, so I refused to visit with dh for over a year and had him and another family member explain why and I very bluntly told her through them (we have a language and cultural barrier) that I owe her nothing.

So I think personally if she can’t treat you with the respect you deserve don’t go, and she needs to understand this will have an impact on the amount of contact with her grandchild, end of.

@Fitforforty

Yep I quiet agree. I won’t let my nearly 2 year old take some one else’s gift - although I wouldn’t at any age.

Does DH want to go. Even without that issue I would say it’s a once a year journey.

Yes he wants to keep the peace with his family. He is also insistent that we encourage a relationship between them and our child despite that they make zero effort with him. They spoil the other child and make it clear ours is second best for example giving £500 to the child on Christmas while sending my child a £30 gift from Amazon. They will drive hours to visit the other child but won't do the same for ours. I do not care about material things but I don't want my child to wonder why his grandmother favours the other grandchild

@Sleeplessem

Woah that’s a rude lady.

Does DH call her on her behaviour? I’d say that’s step number one. Even if you’re not her ‘cup of tea’ (who’s to say she’s yours for that matter?!) you are clearly making an effort and she should have the manners to do the same.

Are you both of the same culture? I ask because I’ve had issues with my MIL due to culture

I’ve had issues with MIL being a petulant child and ignoring me and lashing out, so I refused to visit with dh for over a year and had him and another family member explain why and I very bluntly told her through them (we have a language and cultural barrier) that I owe her nothing.

So I think personally if she can’t treat you with the respect you deserve don’t go, and she needs to understand this will have an impact on the amount of contact with her grandchild, end of.

Good question, yes she's from a different country, different cultures and language barrier. Although even in their culture I still don't believe it's acceptable to give away a gift someone just gave you, in front of the donor. Out of interest did your mil get better after you stopped visiting?

Decline the invitation and keep on declining future ones.

Well if your Dh is insistent on going then he will have to go alone won’t he? You should stay at home with the little one.

It’s too far to travel to see a bossy old matriarch with no manners.

@hello1218 do you mind if I ask what culture?

Again it’s because my DH and MIL are south Asian so there is (in their family/ community) a strong community resistance to marrying outside of the community and that’s where a lot of her mistreatment came from, there were/ are a lot of prejudices about ‘others’. In general too there are some cultural things (mostly harmless like quite personal questions) that I’d class as rude but it is the norm. (Disclaimer here there is obviously not the same for all south Asian families)

Horrible thought, but could some of the differing treatment be due to that fact that DC is dual heritage?

Actually you know what it did improve things, she learned the hard way that I will not fawn over her or try and get her approval and I will not be basically bullied. I still don’t attend family functions for this reason (and some others that aren’t relevant here) Again there is a cultural issue around DILs here too. She still says underhanded things, and I am at a disadvantage because I can’t comment back In her language but if it’s brought up around English speaking members of the family ill call it out there and then.

Let you DH go on his own, she doesn’t deserve you making the effort.

I absolutely would not travel for 7 hours to visit someone who doesn't like me and is actively rude.

Just say no. If DH wants to go then he can, but alone.

What a shame it is too long a journey for the baby. Ah well!

Just don’t go. Tell your dh he can go on his own

It’s as simple as that

[quote Sleeplessem]@hello1218 do you mind if I ask what culture?

Again it’s because my DH and MIL are south Asian so there is (in their family/ community) a strong community resistance to marrying outside of the community and that’s where a lot of her mistreatment came from, there were/ are a lot of prejudices about ‘others’. In general too there are some cultural things (mostly harmless like quite personal questions) that I’d class as rude but it is the norm. (Disclaimer here there is obviously not the same for all south Asian families)

Horrible thought, but could some of the differing treatment be due to that fact that DC is dual heritage?

Actually you know what it did improve things, she learned the hard way that I will not fawn over her or try and get her approval and I will not be basically bullied. I still don’t attend family functions for this reason (and some others that aren’t relevant here) Again there is a cultural issue around DILs here too. She still says underhanded things, and I am at a disadvantage because I can’t comment back In her language but if it’s brought up around English speaking members of the family ill call it out there and then.[/quote]
Interesting. They are south Asian too. The cultural differences are vast. For example that she says it is shameful for her to apologise for me because she is older and an older person should never apologise to someone younger. In my family we apologise if we upset someone regardless of age. I do not know if that is cultural or just their family though. Yes she definitely took against me because her son has married someone from a different country. She has 2 other son/daughter in laws but they are from the same region although one of them from a different country but still South Asian. I thought she treats my child differently because he was second born and first born is more important in their culture but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it's because of his heritage.

@hello1218 I think this may be the reason why right there. Are you south asian? I’m not, so it’s meant I am an outsider to the max and treated as such.

I’m very fair so DD is very fair so colourism hasn’t come into play in our circumstance, but this could be a thing. Same with caste, my ILs don’t particularly care for caste it’s more village back home but this could also be an issue. Potentially religion too?

There is definitely a cultural thing that can be incredibly toxic to not speak out against elders, and it is so engrained. In some families there is also the thing that the DIL is meant to move in (especially if you’ve married the younger, favourite or only son) and start taking care of the PILs despite their age and general ability. Some families do treat DIL horribly. It took a long time for DH to realise that you can respectfully pull your parents up when they act out of order and that’s not shameful.

I think DH is the key here, he needs to be frank and respectful with his parents about how his family (you and dc) deserve to be treated. Ultimately things like this can end a marriage so it’s better to nip it in the bud now. You don’t need to be BFFs with her but she does owe you civility to say the least.

again would like to say this is not the case for all south Asian families, it has just been my personal experience

[quote Sleeplessem]@hello1218 I think this may be the reason why right there. Are you south asian? I’m not, so it’s meant I am an outsider to the max and treated as such.

I’m very fair so DD is very fair so colourism hasn’t come into play in our circumstance, but this could be a thing. Same with caste, my ILs don’t particularly care for caste it’s more village back home but this could also be an issue. Potentially religion too?

There is definitely a cultural thing that can be incredibly toxic to not speak out against elders, and it is so engrained. In some families there is also the thing that the DIL is meant to move in (especially if you’ve married the younger, favourite or only son) and start taking care of the PILs despite their age and general ability. Some families do treat DIL horribly. It took a long time for DH to realise that you can respectfully pull your parents up when they act out of order and that’s not shameful.

I think DH is the key here, he needs to be frank and respectful with his parents about how his family (you and dc) deserve to be treated. Ultimately things like this can end a marriage so it’s better to nip it in the bud now. You don’t need to be BFFs with her but she does owe you civility to say the least.

again would like to say this is not the case for all south Asian families, it has just been my personal experience[/quote]
I'm not Asian. They have made comments before about how "European" looking our son is. The things they like and dislike are so strange to me. The other grandchild has blue eyes which they love and mention all the time, but they say my son is European looking which they do not care for. She says her other son in law treats her so well and is always bringing her gifts etc but when I bring a gift it gets thrown in my face? The other daughter in law was treat badly at first but her husband defended her and they started being respectful. Now they only treat me badly. My husband won't stand up to her, she's pretty awful to him too, eg. He's applying for promotion and she keeps telling him someone like you won't get a job like that. Meanwhile she's always bragging about her other son how apparently he had a 3 figure job offer which he turned down because he didn't want to commute 🙄

@hello1218 you need to have serious words with DH. In laws like that have ruined marriages. DHs the key here, because if you stand your ground like I did and take a stance and he doesn’t back you, then it sort of defeats the point as you’ll definitely be portrayed as the villain. Imagine when DC grows up, they’ll witness this, imagine how they’ll feel.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s really tough and for me it went on for over a year and I finally lost my shit. But before that, it was really horrible, no one letting me sit with them at weddings, putting bags on the chair so I had no where to sit, weddings are split men/ women in his family, even though they don’t do this in real life 🤷‍♀️ So I couldn’t sit with DH. I cooked food for MIL and she’d spit it out with revulsion on her face, she’d fake fainting attacks and ill health to get the extended family to have a go st DH and imply I was taking him away from her etc…we’re talking really juvenile and toxic crap and it really ground me down. You don’t need this.

DH needs to stand his ground here and stick up for you guys, it tough and goes against a lot of cultural norms but he can be respectful and tell her how she’s behaving isn’t on because ultimately it can tear the family apart.

Is religion at play here? It helped in my case to get some evidence religiously speaking that DIL don’t own PIL anything, and PIL should be kind and respectful.

Feel free to inbox me, it’s horrid being an outsider and treated like one. Happy to talk through my situation and what we did to get to civility and decency (she won’t cross me now). To be fair to her she adores DD ( it’s not mutual though lol)

[quote Sleeplessem]@hello1218 you need to have serious words with DH. In laws like that have ruined marriages. DHs the key here, because if you stand your ground like I did and take a stance and he doesn’t back you, then it sort of defeats the point as you’ll definitely be portrayed as the villain. Imagine when DC grows up, they’ll witness this, imagine how they’ll feel.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s really tough and for me it went on for over a year and I finally lost my shit. But before that, it was really horrible, no one letting me sit with them at weddings, putting bags on the chair so I had no where to sit, weddings are split men/ women in his family, even though they don’t do this in real life 🤷‍♀️ So I couldn’t sit with DH. I cooked food for MIL and she’d spit it out with revulsion on her face, she’d fake fainting attacks and ill health to get the extended family to have a go st DH and imply I was taking him away from her etc…we’re talking really juvenile and toxic crap and it really ground me down. You don’t need this.

DH needs to stand his ground here and stick up for you guys, it tough and goes against a lot of cultural norms but he can be respectful and tell her how she’s behaving isn’t on because ultimately it can tear the family apart.

Is religion at play here? It helped in my case to get some evidence religiously speaking that DIL don’t own PIL anything, and PIL should be kind and respectful.

Feel free to inbox me, it’s horrid being an outsider and treated like one. Happy to talk through my situation and what we did to get to civility and decency (she won’t cross me now). To be fair to her she adores DD ( it’s not mutual though lol)[/quote]
Thank you 😊 some of the things you mention are sadly so familiar. The cooking thing. On a rare occasion she has visited our home she has refused to eat or brought her own food because she doesn't like the food I make 🙄