Accepting behaviour as the norm of that era

[tigershavestripes]

Today it was brought up in conversation with my mother how back in the 80's growing up we received "thrashings" as in physical discipline .
To be told it was "what we did" in those days.
These were for being rude to fighting with siblings, to her mood.
I said not everyone had a thrashing and the argument of no you chose to hit us.
My question is why can someone say "it's what we did back then".

Her mother did the same.
Rather I was wrong to do this to you which impacted greatly on your whole well being.
( therapy and being open and honest is not ok either by her )

I was hung up on.

There is clearly a backstory here.

Acceptable behaviour does evolve through generations. There are many things our parents or grandparents did that we would not or could not - both good and bad things. Previous generations played out more than current children, for example. Previous generations smoked indoors surrounded by children. Even 15 years ago when my eldest was a baby, you could smoke with a baby in the car - something now allowed now.

So it is right that things used to be considered normal and accepted, that now seem horrifying. Child physical punishment is a contentious one of those.

I raised in the 80s. I would say that being slapped by your Mum wasn't seen as anything horrific then. But there was a line between a slap (or whatever) and child abuse. I guess the police's job was harder back then because of the bluring of that line between acceptable punishment and abuse. But abuse existed and was unacceptable in the 80s, it wasn't tolerated like a slap might have been.

So I guess much matters in what your Mum and you considers a "thrashing". If it was abusive, then no everyone was not doing that. Equally while there would be some families who never physically assaulted (as it would be called now) their child at all. I wouldn't think this was a majority though. I was bought up in a naice middle class family with two loving, involved and engaging parents. I think I may have been slapped 4 or 5 times during my entire childhood. This seems very slight compared to friends at school. My husband (also raised in the 80s) was beaten much more, but again within the relmes of normal for the generation, and feels the same as I do.

I have four children (ranging from 6-16) and have never physically hurt them. That doesn't mean I look down on my Mum or mother-in-law because they did - it was of a different time. I wouldn't expect my Mum to need to apologise for the times she slap me. Because she didn't know she was doing wrong, at the time the type of child punishment she did was socially accepted and normal. I think anyway.

I'm sorry you're feeling distressed by your past.

Bollocks it's what they did back then.

Sadistic cunts may have thrashed their kids. Ordinary parents may have smacked a bum or a hand. Others may have not used violence at all. I was never hit. My mum wasn't and neither was my grandmother who was born in the 30s.

It was always a choice and it was always a bad one.

I actually gave this thing a lot of thought. I have one sibling and we were severely beaten as kids (till we were about 7/8). Same reasons as you (misbehaving, fighting). We were relatively well behaved youngsters then, no teenage issues, we did well in school and later in life too and I dare say we are two well adjusted adults who love our parents and keep in daily contact.

Now I am all for discipline and respect. But I feel that parents vent their frustration on kids and it gets to the point the kids get beaten. Now the younger or more emotionally imbalanced you are, the more likely you are to become frustrated by two kids bickering etc. so the more likely you are to hit them. I find the older I am, the more patience I have as a result of many frustrations I have been through.

I remember as a child I lost a lot of respect for my parents for the beatings and we spoke with my sibling to each other afterwards and we promised each other when we have kids we won't hit them. And we stick to this. We both have kids now and we chose a way more gentle approach to parenting.

We had a random call with the whole family where this came up and both of us said openly to the parents that yes the beatings were bad and yes we do hold them responsible for this and it was a bad choice which we will not make with our kids and we full plan to break the cycle of violence. They were hurt, called me after said I could have been more gentle and surely it was not that bad. I said no. It was bad. I meant what I said. They were genuinely shocked.

Both our parents were beaten as kids too, but they themselves believed that it is the right way. Maybe it was the "times" where everyone did it and no one gave it any thought, kids were "things" that had to obey and sit silently in another room not disturb adults and all this. Yes we were very obedient and extremely well behaved. But at what cost.

It was absolutely not the done thing in the 80s although many suffered it as a hangover from what their parents experienced - the abused becoming the abuser etc

I was raised in the 60's and my parents never did that to me. Our bastard NDN did it to his kids though, I could hear the sound of him belting them through my bedroom wall. I was only little and was scared stiff of him.

I heard recently that he'd dropped down dead. Good.

It sounds like you know it wasn't normal, but you're asking why your mum won't admit that she was wrong?

Possibly she doesn't think she was wrong - she must have been aware not everyone was doing it but perhaps she genuinely sees it as justified discipline (in which case, she would not be around my DC ever).

Or more likely, she knows deep down it was wrong, but is not in a mental place to accept and admit that. You say that her parents were just the same. Is it possible that she has deep seated trauma that she has never felt able to address? And therefore the idea of you looking at the treatment that she repeated and seeing trauma is just too painful/difficult for her? So she shuts down, hangs up, denies, insists "Everyone did that/it was normal" because if she admits that she hurt you, that means that somebody hurt her and she just can't emotionally cope with the avalanche of dealing with her own trauma AND the knowledge that she inflicted the same on you (and any siblings if you have them).

I think some people find it hard to admit to parenting mistakes. They can’t cope with the thought that they got it badly wrong - particularly with regard to physical punishment.
I always knew it would be pointless to try and have this conversation with my mum, her pride would not have let her admit it. And to be honest she would have been convinced she was right anyway.

My Mil was offended when Dh told her that we never smack our ds. She got very huffy about it - because of course she used to smack Dh and therefore she took our decision as an attack on her parenting.

Things like this probably weren't discussed beyond the family - so possibly she wouldn't know what the norm was.
I did get the belt at secondary school - late 60s, but only remember one smacking at home.

I was born late 80's so maybe slightly younger. Perhaps my parents would occasionally slap my hand if I was going to touch something I shouldn't. I can remember the idea of getting "a smack" i.e a relatively light slap on the bottom. However I can't really remember this actually happening. I can't imagine it being acceptable in my parents circle to hit a child so it would leave bruises or marks or with any sort of implement. So I don't think it was what everyone did back then, but if it was normal to her it probably didn't seem bad. Perhaps she feels guilty now, or criticised about it.