Does anyone else feel like they can't compete with their mum?

[Needaholidayplease]

I don't know if it's just me. I have a wonderful mum but it's sort of crushing my own confidence to be a parent. She had 3 of us very close together and basically lived for us (to some extent still does). I have my own child now and though I love him very much, I can't help compare myself to my mum and feel a bit lacking. I just can't be the martyr that my own mum was. Sometimes it makes me feel very guilty. Maybe it was just her generation? Does anyone else feel similarly?

No my Mum certainly wasn’t a martyr and she made many mistakes along the way. How old is your little one? I think it’s important to take a step back and think about what makes a good a parent and what is your aim - mine is to produce happy, healthy, functional adults. I think I devote too much time to my children and that’s not a heathy role model but hopefully it will improve as I get past the toddler years.

No, it's not a feeling I'm familiar with. You have to remember that everyone is different and every era and situation is different. She did what she wanted or had to do, you're doing what you want or have to do. There's no point comparing and certainly no point judging yourself harshly compared to your Mum.

I guess what I'm saying is, give yourself a break. If you catch yourself thinking these thoughts, just say to yourself "we're different people, in a different time, in a different situation!". Different doesn't mean better or worse. Just different.

I feel this to some extent. My mum was and still is a wonderful mum (and nanny now) and at times I've definitely envied her energy and how fun she is with my children.
Its not so much a competition though, its more that I wish I could give my children the childhood I had.
I do try my best but am alot older than my mum was when she had us and I need work which takes up alot of my head space. I'm just glad she's still here to remind me to be fun and silly with them.

You lucky thing- you sound like you have an amazing mum. I think it's unusual to feel like that. Don't most people try to NOT be like their parents?

Your mum's generation were more hands off than we are, even the ones who were SAHMs, so I don't recognise what you're saying

I really wouldn't over think it. My mum was/is a martyr and that's not the kind of parent I am. I love my mum and am very grateful for my upbringing, but I don't think my mum's type of parenting is terribly healthy. I was the centre of her world, even now as an adult she would drop anything and everything for me, I try to be as empathetic a person as I can be but truth be told I can be quite selfish in a lot of respects, I think as a direct correlation of how I was raised. So I won't be the mum my mum is because a) it doesn't come as naturally to me to centre my entire life around someone else, even my own child, probably because of how I was brought up b) I think I would be doing a disservice to my children to raise them that way, I think it gave me unrealistic expectations and I hope a slightly more independent upbringing mindful that their parents are people with needs too will make them more well rounded people. That's my hope/excuse!!!

My mil was like this and sometimes when she tells stories I feel like that but she will also freely say that she wishes she out more towards a career as once her children were older it was hard to start a career.
I always wanted DC but I also always knew that there would be more in my life than just DC

To my mind there’s nothing admirable about a martyr patent: they should lead by example and demonstrate to their children that parenthood is only one (admittedly major) facet of this experience we call life. If your mother was like that and you’re not then it’s no bad thing.