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Parenting

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Original poster

Co-parenting with someone you resent - birthdays

19 replies

Mumoflil1 · 13/06/2021 07:07

Hello all,

Need some views pleaser. I separated with my ex a few months ago. He moved 120 miles away and lives in a room (to save money) meaning that when he comes to see the kids he stays at my house once per month so far) as cant have them where he is.
I am still resentful of him and hate him being in my home, he is so lazy, wakes up late when he is here, spends hours watching tv while the kids are with me and i still do all the cooking, cleaning etc.

We have our little ones birthday coming up. I was planning to take him out of nursery and spend the day alone with him. Thing is, ex now wants to take time off work and come down with his child from a previous relationship and stay over. I was initially planning on having a small garden party with family the weekend of his bitthday but, i just cant bear being around him.
The thing is, when he left he left, he left me responsible for so much. I had to start from scratch and now me and my babies are settled he wants to pop up to reap the rewards. Last time he was here he groped me. I just feel so violated and on edge when he is here. I really do hate him (but try to be as amicable as possible for the kids).
How do people manage situations like this please? Am i being unreasonable? I just dont want him here.

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Idontgiveagriffindamn · 13/06/2021 07:11

Don’t let him stay in your house. Period. Once you’ve got that boundary in place things should be easier.
You’ll get the whole crap about how you’re stopping him from seeing his kids and poor him but his accommodation while he’s visiting his kids is his problem not yours.
Also why should he be invited to the party? It’s not a wedding - a child can celebrate with both parents.

Clarinet53 · 13/06/2021 07:12

@Mumoflil1 he crossed a line by touching you.

Now that things are opening up again he can spend the day with your child. He can take them out for something to eat and to have some one on one time.

He forfeited being able to stay at yours by breaking boundaries.

As for the party, just say no. It's your home now not his so you get to choose who spends time there.

Marty13 · 13/06/2021 07:17

Agreed. Don't let him stay in your house. Don't even let him pass the threshold.

If he says that you're préventing him from seeing his kids, tell him he is doing that himself by not sorting the necessary accomodations.

Can't believe he groped you, the nerve !

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namechange30455 · 13/06/2021 07:20

He would not be coming in my house again at all after groping me.

Littlemissweepy · 13/06/2021 07:27

So much wrong here! Why did he move 120miles away? It’s not your job to solve the problem that creates about him seeing his children. He needs to move closer and get accommodation that he can have the children in, or it needs to be day access.

In my situation ex has a one bedroom flat and he rarely has them overnight, mostly just collects at 9am and drops at 6pm. No way would I give him my house as a base (and no fucking way to sleeping over) and definitely not if you end up looking after the children anyway while he sleeps in and watches tv. The nerve of him!!

To answer your question I invite ex to DC birthday parties. I tolerate him being in my periphery for the couple of hours and the DC are happier with that.

Littlemissweepy · 13/06/2021 07:29

And if ever you had a reason to stop dead the arrangements you have now, by groping you he had handed you one on a plate.

Original poster

Mumoflil1 · 13/06/2021 07:29

Thanks all. The veridct is pretty unanimous the :) See this isnt even his house. We had to move so he's never lived here but expects that he and his child should be able to stay.
I get so anxious. I want to do the right thing by the kids but he is always twisting things to make me out to be the mean one.

OP posts:

Cattitudes · 13/06/2021 07:31

Definitely do not let him stay/ come into your house again. You only need to make the children available. It is nice weather so they can go out somewhere. I would suggest that he has your dc for one of the weekend days and you plan the family party for the other one. You don't want to spend the whole party dreading him groping you again. It doesn't sound as if he will be helping with the party. He will probably be in a corner drinking all your alcohol, expecting you to look after his other son too and then have a hangover and be even more useless than usual the next day. Offer a facetime on the actual birthday.

bookishtartlet · 13/06/2021 08:20

God no, keep him out of your house.

Give him set times and days he can turn up and take them somewhere. Soft play, the park, McDonald's are all fine. Its not your problem he moved.

I'm also trying to coparent with someone I resent and he too tries to make me feel unreasonable. They rely on our better nature. Seek legal advice if he tries to argue the point. I'm sorry you're going through this, what a shit.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 13/06/2021 10:42

Another one for saying don’t let him in your house; he can sort out his own arrangements

Howshouldibehave · 13/06/2021 10:47

Thing is, ex now wants to take time off work and come down with his child from a previous relationship and stay over

So he can lounge around your house sleeping in late and watching telly whilst you rush around and feed them all PLUS his extra child?!

What a total dick! Tell him there will be no staying in your house any more! Text him now.

Original poster

Mumoflil1 · 13/06/2021 12:52

Thanks again, i think with all these things, he manages to make me out to be the bad person and plays on the fact that i don't want to be. This time though, i feel more confident in standing my ground!

OP posts:

Fitforforty · 13/06/2021 17:54

Don’t let him in our home at all. He can stay in a travel lodge/b and b and come and collect the children in the morning and return them in the evening.

A Mum shows her children that she has strong boundaries.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 13/06/2021 17:59

And he thinks he's bringing his other child to stay at your house too? The bloody nerve of him.
It's actually in the DC's best interests that he doesn't stay at your house, extremely confusing for them. Just say you're welcome to attend the party (with the timings) but it no longer works for you to stay so you'll have to make other arrangements. And keep repeating, this doesn't work for me, make other arrangements etc etc

Viviennemary · 13/06/2021 18:05

You need to stop the access into your home. He is an ex and you are quite right not wanting him staying. . You've given him quite enough leeway already.

PurpleMustang · 13/06/2021 18:29

You need a pen and paper and first list the reasons you split up. Then list the reasons he shouldn't be staying over as you said above, including the house is nothing to do with him and he touched you. Then under all that you write in big fat letters HOTEL, coz that is where he needs to be staying. Keep it and look at it every time you doubt yourself. He is coming to see the kids but doing fuck all of the work. He treats you as a cook, a cleaner and a nanny (as he should be spending time with his kids not sleeping or watching telly) and you have no free time, which he will be doing on purpose. Decide in your head, age appropriate, what if needs be you need to tell the kids when he kicks off, like when Daddy is here he needs to spend quality time with you. And then tell him, hotel, pick up, drop off times, see ya later im off out and go.

RandomMess · 13/06/2021 18:31

Absolutely not your problem where is stays!!! He can book a Travelodge or Premier Inn very cheaply and have his DC overnight there no reason why not!!

Do not let him set for over your home, your have never again!!

ElspethFlashman · 13/06/2021 18:39

He literally can stay somewhere for the night and take the kid out for McDonald's and a movie now.

He never sets foot in your house again. EVER.

Be warned, he will moan and may stop contact. That will show you that he never gave a shit about the kids at all, it was just to get his feet under your table.

If he does moan and stop contact, or threaten to, get it documented by email. So you text him "I'm emailing you about this" and send him an email saying that you are confirming that you are happy to provide the kids for contact as usual, but will not be providing the location, and are giving him due notice in order for him to make his own arrangements for seeing them locally.

If he texts back, just say "email me" and leave it at that. Don't get sucked in to texts.

Keeping it to email is handy for a solicitor if you need it.

Fleetw00d · 13/06/2021 21:55

I wouldn't be letting him stay in my house! If he wants to see them he can book a hotel. Is there a reason he moved so far? You just do you, assign weekends so he has either one a month or whatever you want, if he doesn't come down then thats his loss, don't run around after him you sound like you have made a good life without him, and he sounds useless and toxic. He needs to make the effort not you!

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