Six year old still has tantrums

[haventgotabloodyclue]

Our six year old daughter has always been, er, spirited (challenging) and while of course we love her unconditionally she is now six years old and still has major emotional outbursts about all sorts of things. At every age we've been told she will outgrow it - it's just a phase! - colic as a baby, terrible twos, threenager and so on.

The other day I took her to the beach with friends and we all had a great time. But when it was time to leave she was the only one to have a massive meltdown about going home. It's the same story almost every day. She will still have tantrums about putting uniform on, doing homework, doing anything she doesn't want to do and so on.

I'm really worn out. I find it embarrassing though I try not to let on. I worry about going out with her as there is always something for her to get upset about.

We aren't the greatest parents, but surely not the worst.

By contrast DS's little sister is really a joy to be with and while she will get upset about things she is 3 and soon bounces back. It feels entirely different and completely manageable.

Could this be a behavioural issue? Or just her personality and we have to learn to live with it? Should we see someone about it?

My youngest was prone to tantrums. She’s 8 now and they have decreased massively but she’s still capable of putting on an excellent show when she feels like it.
I do as much ignoring as possible.
She only does it for immediate family. Not at school.
I don’t know why she still bothers because I’ve never given in to them. They just make me more determined to stick to my guns!

What do you do when she has a tantrum? It sounds like you can predict them (uniform, homework, etc) which is helpful. Are there common triggers - eg changing location from home to school (indicated by putting uniform on) or performance requirements (homework) etc?

No harm getting some professional advice. She may just struggle with regulating her emotions. You could work on helping her to name the emotion and where is she feeling it in her body and appropriate ways to deal with big feelings.
Giving her plenty of warning before leaving might not stop it but may lessen how big the tantrum is.
There is usually a difference between pushing their luck and having a tantrum where they are not able to regulate their emotions. It sounds like your DD is the latter.
Stick to your boundaries but maybe add in some sensory play and role play games to help her figure out her emotions and how they make her body feel. Lots of really good ideas from child psychologists on Instagram. Lots of different games to help build tolerance and understanding of emotions.
She doesn't necessarily have behavioural issues it may be that regulation skill doesn't come as naturally to her compared to her sister

Thanks everyone. As far as possible we try to avoid the tantrums e.g. chosing clothes the night before, explaining that we are only going to the playground for X amount of time, giving time warnings that we will be leaving somewhere and so on. When I feel one brewing, which really could be at any given moment, I try to calmly explain the situation, what is expected of her and tell her what the consequence of her behaviour will be e.g. no pudding after dinner or something similar. Very occasionally (maybe once every few months) I will majorly over react myself (I know, I know) but I have been working so so hard to avoid this and have been trying to model better behaviours e.g. 'taking 5' to myself to calm myself down (but v hard when she is pushing every button and making everyone late for school, work etc). She is bright and her teachers say she is socially very intelligent too. I'm fairly confident she knows what her emotions are (she will tell me she is frustrated for example) and doesn't behave like this at school apparently. We have tried sticker charts etc. It feels like something will work for a while and then stops. It is very tiring. Thought we would be able to get on and enjoy outings, life etc now a bit more. I'm interested in the emotional regulation point. Who would I go see about this? A GP? A psychologist? A counsellor? Not really sure where to turn.

Don't be hard on yourself for reacting. It's only natural to reach your limit every once and awhile.
I'm not in the UK so I'm not sure of how services are set up there but your GP is bound to have a good knowledge of resources and refer you if necessary.
Play therapists, OTs and child psychologists can all support your DD depending on her need.
I wouldn't worry too much either though. Try looking into how to support emotional regulation and see if anything works. Although some things can take a long time before you see results.
Its easy to read too much into childrens behaviour and try label it as a behavioural issue too but trust your gut on whether it's something that needs more professional involvement. You know her and your family best

Is she having tantrums - or is there more going on here? Are they actually meltdowns (which are different)?

Does she have any struggles in other areas? It's not usual for a 6 year old to have tantrums (not unheard of either, mind). How is she in school? How is she socially? Does she find transitions hard (leaving the beach, changing activities, changing her clothes).

I'm not saying there definitely is something but little girls are notoriously overlooked when it comes to potentially being on the autism spectrum and they don't present in the same way that little boys do often. They can mask very well.

Worth considering.

I was about to say the same as @redheadonatractor

My eldest dd had tantrums at 6 years old, but in hindsight they were full on meltdowns, a complete loss of emotional control with fight or flight behaviour. She has now been diagnosed with adhd, which affects girls differently and earlier diagnosis and treatment would have saved years of rollercoaster ride fir the whole family.

My youngest, who is currently 6 has just bee screaming dramatically (for all the neighbours to hear ) because she wants to be allowed in her sisters room. It's dramatic, and frustrating but she can choose to stop screaming quickly. It never goes on for too long, as long as we don't pander to it.

Thanks these are really interesting responses. She is doing very well at school and has quite a few friends, lots of play dates etc. She definitely struggles with transitions e.g. leaving a friend's house (or garden in these covid times!) but it's not just that e.g. if her favourite jumper was in the wash she could erupt over that too. I'm not sure I really know the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. Sometimes I am certain she can turn it off and makes a conscious choice to erupt. Other times she reaches the point of no return and I would definitely call it a meltdown. You've made me think it really is worth checking out though, if nothing else to rule out other possibilities. I have wondered about autism in the past but husband thinks she's just misbehaving. Thanks everyone I really appreciate all the replies and thank you for being so kind and helpful.

Autism in little girls is tricky (I know very well, my 5 year old DD was diagnosed at 3).

Something like not being able to wear a favourite jumper would be something my child would erupt over. She's in reception and doing amazingly well at school. She's never yet had a meltdown there (she has support). People are surprised to learn that she's autistic sometimes, she holds it together well. But she does have frequent meltdowns at home.

The was a meltdown differs from a tantrum really is that it's a total loss of control. It's not deliberate. Tantrums are what you're average 2/3 even 4 year old has when things don't go their way.

They use the coke can analogy - it's shaken up and up and the fizz is held in (the 'shaking up' can be anything - finding a transition hard, sensory difficulties with lots of things, social difficulties, being in school or a challenging environment for a period, the list is endless) and then when it can't be held in any longer it fizzes over and BOOM they're in the red zone and they lose control. My DD will now scream at me 'help me I can't stop it' which is just heartbreaking but we've taught her to start to recognise her feelings and tell us about them so we can help.

What's made you suspect autism before?

Oh and my DD is doing well at school, has friends, goes on (well planned and managed) play dates. She can cope with the right amount of planning and prep. I just have to do way, way more of it than other parents and also have learned to carefully read her silent and not so silent cues when things (even things that she appears to be enjoying on the surface) are getting too much from her so that I can take her home for some quiet time which is what she needs to stay regulated.

I think you have nailed the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown when you say she reaches the point of no return. Tantrums are a loss of control but are easier to distract from or easier for the child to come out of.
I didn't want to mention autism or anything else as, if you are like me, would spend hours worrying about it. Also don't like to label anything until a professional opinion is sought. You say you have queried it yourself so it's worth seeking professional advice.
If she gets on well in school I wouldn't allow others to fob you off as a sign that it's just bad behaviour. I've seen countless children and adults with autism or adhd who spend an enormous amount of energy and focus to try remain "well behaved" in those type of settings, once they are home and in a comfortable safe space they feel they can finally release some of that tension or they just simply don't have enough energy to keep pretending any longer.

The explosive child is a good read. She sounds in flexible. He recommends more flexibility from parents, rather than meeting inflexibility with inflexibility. Also, hard as it is, important to allow feelings, she'll sense your discomfort. My 9yo ds still has an odd tantrum.. I don't think he has anything diagnosable. I find stating a consequence during this unhelpful as it's just a red rag to a bull at that stage. Coregulate and talk then.

Thanks everyone. I am a bit ashamed to say I don't really know much at all about autism. I just remember a couple of years ago feeling that the strength of her emotions/behaviour was somehow different to other children and it crossed my mind. Weirdly since I wrote my original post earlier my husband came back from an outing with the two girls and said it was really nightmareish. He said he doesn't think the six year old has developed at all emotionally in about two years and hasn't learned to regulate her feelings at all. I said that maybe I would go see our GP and he agreed it was worth a trip. So that's what we will do! Thanks again.

Don't feel ashamed @haventgotabloodyclue. I knew almost nothing about autism before it was highlighted to us that our DD might have issues. Nearly 3 years on I know an awful lot about it - in relation to her! There is a huge range of behaviours and difficulties that can come with it, it really is a huge spectrum and honestly unless you study for years and years and work with people who have ASD a lot I don't think I anyone can claim to be an expert because they (our children) are just all so very different.

Thanks to some brilliant courses I've been on and generally learning and living with it, I feel equipped day to day to help my DD but there is still a lot to learn and the challenges will (and have already) change as she grows.

Have a look at the AQ-10 for children (i'll see if I can find a link). It's what GPs use to initially see if they think a referral might be appropriate. As I said, some little girls mask amazingly well and they're often overlooked for referral especially if they're not struggling in school.

We actually went for a private diagnosis initially because NHS waiting lists were so long (they are really hellishly long now due to COVID 2y +) If you do some research and conclude that you do have specific concerns I would recommend it if it's financially viable for you. We also have an NHS diagnosis now because our trust doesn't (or didn't, it does now post pandemic) accept a private diagnosis to offer support in school.

Link to AQ-10 www.autismhampshire.org.uk/assets/uploads/AQ10-Child.pdf

Thanks so much that PDF is a great resource. Really appreciate all the help and support.

She sounds very similar to my DD, and I have also suspected autism or ADHD in the past. Good luck as I know how challenging and waring it can be, I've often been in tears over my daughter's behaviour and have even dropped her off at the school gates in tears when she was having one of her meltdowns. Tiredness makes it much worse in my DD's case.

@haventgotabloodyclue it’s a long shot you will see this. I’m going through the same and wondered how you got on? It’s been three years now and I wondered if your little girl improved?

@Nowifi just wondering how things are now for you?

@redheadonatractor long shot you will see this but how are things now your chiller is older? I have a 6 year old who is really struggling with emotions and behavior

@Reedie1987 hang in there it got a lot better with my daughter, she is 8 now and an absolute angel! I think she just couldn't regulate her emotions at that age! (4 or 5)

Ahh lovely so glad things are better now. My son has just turned 6 and I think kids who might have adhd struggle with emotional regulation. Progress is slow but still progress I guess, it’s nice to know people have got through it x