children in neighbourhood excluding my DD

[timelord92]

We live on a close where there are quite a few children playing out on the street. Most of the children are around 6-8 years of age (and all girls) so they most often are out playing on their own on bikes/scooters without parents watching as it’s quite safe. There are also a few children who have siblings who are 3 years of age who are most often out with the older siblings.They are never out on their own the younger ones.

My DD is nearly 4, therefore we don’t allow her to go out in the close without someone watching her as she just runs out in the road. The other 3 year olds are pretty street wise since they observe their older siblings.

During lockdown they all played together in the street on their bikes and blowing bubbles and they would help her with her being younger. There was just one girl who was funny with her. My DD at the time was still getting the hang of potty training at the time and so would hold herself rather than just going to the toilet. They were all having a go on this play car, including my DD, but when she got off, this older girl pulled a face and sniffed the seat that my DD had just been sitting on as though she had soiled it. All the other girls followed this girl, she is kind of the ring leader if you like.

Fast forward to now and none of the older kids so much as look at her. She’ll ask to play out in the front and we will watch her and she’ll try to play with them but get ignored. She’ll even ask the older ones questions and they don’t answer (but will talk to each other when she’s not there).

One of the older girls has a sister the same age as my DD and they both like each other with being the same age but every time that the younger sister comes into our garden to play with her, the older one comes to tell her that she has to leave. One time it was because their parents didn’t like them being in other people’s houses (but they are in other kids houses in the close), then she said she had to go because they had to go back home, but when they left they were still playing out with the other kids on the street. Another time all the kids were going in their house and my DD went to follow and the older sister closed the door on her but stayed outside with her. When my DD asked her why they had all gone in the house she just got ignored.

I get the impression that the older ones aren’t that keen on my DD. She doesn’t seem upset by it yet but when something happens she does ask us about it so she does notice it. It’s just heartbreaking when it’s your own child and it’s not like it’s in school where you can ask the teachers to keep an eye on it. The parents are nice decent friendly people too and speak to my DD nicely. We speak quite often to them.

Is this just what kids are like? There’s nothing much I can do really as I don't want to be marching round the close telling the kids off. I’m reluctant to go out with her and see any nastiness going on but she can't go out yet on her own. Should I just tell her to play in our garden instead? Or just see if things improve?

T3ge parents of the child who is the same age as your DD might not like their child casually going into other people's gardens/houses (I wouldn't either at a young age) but maybe you could speak the parents and arrange a formalised play date for them in your garden? Just explain she's feeling a little left out by the other kids and you'd like to encourage her to make friends.

I think it's a little bizzare that all these young girls (not including yours) are just left out in the street to play alone unsupervised and wander into peoples gardens, doesn't matter how safe the area is perceived to be. A 6/7/8 year old is not old enough to be looking after a 3 year old toddler!!

I'd just carry on supervising her when she wants to play out front. Don't try to discourage if she asks to go out as that might make her more self conscious. Things might get better as she gets older and able to join in in a more mature way. I don't think there is much else you can do. They sound a mean but you can't force these things and I think the age difference is probably a contributing factor. Maybe encourage more friends from nursery/school for play dates instead instead.

Are you friendly with the other girls parents? Are their mothers friendly with each other? I am happy for DS to go into houses I have visited socially, but not random neighbours, however pleasant they seem.

They all sound a bit young to be so unsupervised these days though I'm sure this sort of thing used to be more normal. In any case it isn't working out for your 4 year old so I'd just keep them in the garden.

A 3 year old is too young to be playing out with children they don’t particularly know. The parents and older children probably don’t want the responsibility of looking after your child. The whole set up sounds really strange! Can’t you take her to farms/soft plays/playgroups instead? Thats what I do with my toddler not send her out to play on the street!

Also I agree it would be helpful to arrange playdates with children from outside the street. And let them play out front during the playdate (supervised) if they wish. It may be that the older girls see your DD as a tagalong and seeing that she has plenty of other friends may change that perception.