Argued in front of 8 month old - feel worried

[Arena5]

On Thursday I had an argument with my partner in front of our baby it was over pretty quickly probably within 1-2 mins but we both shouted at each other and slammed stuff down. Afterwards I cried a bit when O was holding baby. The thing is since then she hasn’t been as smiley and I feel like she just seems uncertain. I’ve been feeling run down and anxious lately and have gone to GP to go back on citalopram so hopefully that will help. Arguing in front of her is not a common thing but I’m just so worried now that she doesn’t feel safe or that she’s unhappy. Has anyone else had this experience?

Don't worry too much about it - these things happen, but maybe try to swallow your irritation until she's in bed (and same for your OH) and figure out how to have a constructive conversation without shouting at eachother. I'd be amazed if anyone hasn't had at least one argument or cried in front of their baby. If it's a one off, I wouldn't be too concerned. Just give her lots of cuddles and reassurance if that's what you're worried about but her behaviours could be indicative of something else too. No-one is perfect and these things happen, all you can do is try to learn and make a change for future.

Arguments happen and are part of life, but it's about context on what is reasonable and not. Arguments will occur and your daughter needs to see this as part of normal development, however if she is witnessing violence, name calling you may want to review your relationship. If something annoys you, deal with it rationally there and then and move on. My parents always argued whilst I was in bed, it was very frightening. I always argue with hubby in front of kids, later I will discuss it with kids so they know I am human and sometimes I am knarky and unreasonable and I will explain that's why we argued!

Thanks both. We have both discussed that we don’t want to do this in front of her again. We’ve agreed to just walk away and take some time if we feel we’re getting to that point and be more mindful of how we speak to each other even when angry. I don’t think we’ve done this in front of her before.
Maybe only once when she was like 2 months old and again very brief and we were just at wits end with no sleep. I’m just wondering if you think she’ll forget it in a few days? I just hate the thought of her feeling unsure or nervous

It's good you've both spoken about it and agreed a way forward. She won't remember it, don't worry. I remember being in the depths of PND and I hit the roof one day over something stupid, shouting and banging about and made her cry - my DD is now 2 and happy as can be. I felt like you do, wracked with guilt and really upset. The thing is, if its a one off there isn't anything to feel worried about. If it were a regular occurrence then yes it would likely have a negative affect. The thing to focus on is that you've realised the behaviours aren't great and have decided with your partner how to deal with disagreements in future. Try not to beat yourself up too much about it!

@Arena5 hi OP no real advice here but had the same thing here last night, not a major argument but a few cross words and I just burst out crying feeling so frustrated with everything atm infront of DS (also nearly 8 months). I’ve also woken up this morning feeling like he is aware and being a bit coy around me, but I’m struggling to put on a happy front atm with lack of sleep and difficult days. Sending you support anyway, hopefully it will just pass

Thank you, it’s made me feel less alone knowing I’m not the only one. I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time too. It’s hard when the nights are difficult too as there’s just no time to unwind. I’ve decided to take the afternoon for myself today to give myself a break. I know everyone’s circumstances and childcare arrangements are different but maybe it could be a nice idea for you too. Hoping you have a good weekend anyway

@MaMaD1990 thank you that’s really good to know it didn’t affect her long term. And that’s true it’ll be better to focus on what we can do in the future rather than what’s happened

@Arena5 glad you’re taking time for yourself. It’s always seemed to me that having time off and leaving baby with someone else is almost like accepting defeat and being weak but I’m starting to realise it’s so necessary and think I need to do the same myself…most of the more relaxed mums I know are the ones who happily leave baby with others and maintain time for themselves. I really hope you enjoy your afternoon and wouldn’t worry about last night’s argument!

If ever I lose my cool with DP in front of my 2.5yr old DD I try to always make sure that she sees the argument be resolved too. Like I will say something to DP like “look I’m sorry I am really tired / hungry / busy and I was just cross for XYZ reason, I am sorry for taking it out on you. Can we move on and we’ll talk later on if you want to” etc. He is getting much better about also doing the same thing - we try and calm it down in the moment and end with a quick hug or a fist bump or some kind of indication that it’s alright. Then I say to my dd after “mummy and daddy were feeling a bit cross but they had a chat and now they feel much better. Everything is ok and we all love each other very much” sort of thing. I think it’s important for a child to see the full range of emotions and understand that sometimes people feel cross but they also are able to resolve it. Granted this applies to older toddlers rather than babies but it’s good to form the habit when they’re young I think.