Honest opinion about NCT groups

[Sianholby]

NCT groups - the most expensive friends you will ever make they say…..

We had a group of 6 that met up all the time on later on maternity leave and we kept it going during lockdown on WhatsApp.

But there is one mother who quite clearly is sending messages to other mothers privately to arrange play dates. I was chatting to a few of the NCT mothers in the nursery queue this morning and this particular mother said she would see another and her daughter on Sunday for soft play.

So no extended invitation to the others in our NCT group, she’s privately arranging dates with others.

So I guess this is what happens? It’s a shame as it segregates the group but I’m making other mummy friends at classes.
Just wanted to know if this is NCT groups in general or was I expecting too much for group invitations and socials

I did the same as her. Contacted the (2) mums from the NCT group who I actually got on well with and began meeting up sometimes just 1:1 with each of them plus babies.

I don't really enjoy large groups of women and didn't particularly hit it off with a couple of the NCT group. It's not always feasible to do a whole group thing.

@sadperson16

Many years ago I had an epic fail,emergency section BF didnt work out. Treated like an outcast.

I'm sorry to hear this and have to say that several similar experiences , both my own, and those of people I'm close to, have led me to have rather negative views of the NCT. These were alll different groups in different parts of the country. First was my sister who joined an NCT group in her first pregnancy many moons ago but was basically shunned as she didn't fit the typical demographic. Then there was friend of mine who had a highly complicated pregnancy but was "persuaded" by her NCT group that she could have a natural, drug free birth and it was just those evil doctors trying to undermine her. She more or less cut off everyone who suggested a more balanced view might be wise. I won't go into details as it's not my story, but it all ended up badly and her new "friends" couldn't be seen for dust, leaving her feeling that she'd "failed" and deserved to be ostracised, as well as handling a very difficult outcome for her baby. My own two contacts were around breastfeeding. I was having dufficulties expressing on my return to work when I had my first baby and phoned the NCT helpine. The woman basically told me that I should give up work and if I refused to acknowledge that that was what was best for my baby then she couldn't help me. Fortunately I found LLL, who I'd initially avoided as I thought they'd be more "hardline" to be fantastically supportive. I had one more try years later as we'd moved house and I didn't know many people so I thought joining a bf group with my new baby would be a good way to make friends with other mums. NCT was the only one in the area so I decided to bury my prejudices and join in. First half hour or so was great, til I mentioned my job and someone asked if I was going back. When I said yes, the conversation dried up instantly and the leader literally turned her back on me. Nor did she ever reply to any of my subsequent emails. I know other people who have been happy and had good experiences so it can't be everywhere but I've heard of too many negatives to believe it's just the occasional "bad egg" either. I can't honestly say I would recommend NCT to anyone based on my personal experiences. The NHS run group that I went to had a much friendlier and inclusive atmosphere, though I recognise I may have been lucky there.

It's normal. I equate it to my friendship group at school I got on better with 1 of the girls and we'd meet up privately and same for other in the group where they would meet up privately. Equally if I was in class with the others we'd get on great and we'd still meet up as a group.

Never did NCT. Not my cup of tea and I'm probably not posh enough anyway

Mine ditched me eventually

You don’t have to be posh to do an NCT course!

I feel very lucky - I met my group with a newborn ds1 in the FREE NHS new baby group run by a lovely HV at my local London hospital.

15 years and many shared experiences of joy and sadness later, we are still a close knit group of 8 mums, 17 kids.

We've done the baby and toddler fog, holidayed together and did the whole school gate thing too - but now the kids are teens we meet up for wine without them!

Thanks for your replies, maybe I expected too much from people gushing about life long friendships.

I understand not doing things in a big group all the time but to say it in front of me and another mother when we were invited was a bit off.

Perhaps I have an unusual view as I have a lockdown baby, so only zoom NCT - No meet ups at all pre baby. Then when we had the babies (November 2020) people could essentially only meet up for a walk, 1:1 in winter. So you could really only meet those close to you. We have never met as a full group of 7. We have met occasionally (2x) in a larger group, but most of our friendships are 1.1, which is actually lovely. Meeting up 1.1 seems so much easier to me - hard enough to work out diaries as it is!

3 of us had c sections and only one person is still breastfeeding.

I didn’t do NCT myself but I imagine it’s unusual to stay in a tight group of friends several years on - most groups probably end up fizzling out or splitting into pairs/smaller groups.

From friends’ experience the NCT has been very unwelcoming to women who have had previous negative experiences like baby loss, for fear they would “scare” the rest of the group. I am completely against them as an organisation for that reason!

I’ve made one good friend from each of my NCT groups. The others were nice enough, but they were friendships that had a limited time, while we all had small babies. That’s normal. I think it’s odd to expect everything to be in one big group forever; apart from anything else, it makes the logistics of arrangements (especially at the moment) a bit of a nightmare.

Sorry, this seems like a very immature reaction. We have a close group of six families, and I often meet with another of the mums and her DC on my own. Partly because over lockdown I felt safer doing smaller get togethers (and that was all that was allowed!) and also partly because sometimes a group of 6 mums and kids is just a bit much! Her DS and my DS are very similar developmentally and get on well. Finally, if I were to host at my house, I think I'd be a bit overwhelmed at the idea of having all 12 (plus four new babies) round - my house isn't that big!

Perhaps this mum isn't comfortable in bigger groups?

It's a very school-girl attitude to take issue with this. The only exception is if the whole group are arranging to meet and keeping it secret from one of you.

Ours stuck around til about 6 months, by then people had got to grips with babies. A couple went back to work and I moved away.

I'm still friends with two of the women, because I genuinely liked them. The others were fine, but the only thing we had in common was that we lived in the same places and happened to have babies at the same time. That to me, is not a good enough reason on its own to stay friends with someone!

Particularly when you get to mobile toddlers/small children it's frankly a lot easier the smaller the group. Fine for one of anniversary gatherings, but less-so for run of the mill trip to the park or round for coffee. My best friend from NCT wasn't even in my antenatal group - but she lives nearest, ours are 6 months apart and we have the most in common.

We are a fairly big Nct group of 9 families and so naturally we have different schedules and the ones that are closer to each other do tend to meet up more, but we still do bigger group meet ups, general invites for anyone that can make it and dinners together. I wouldn’t be too precious about it, if we had to all meet up to do something together we’d have to wait months! We always do a big birthday party each year and we arrange the date 6months in advance to get the date agreed!

People are allowed to form individual friendships

This. Plus it’s a nightmare trying to find a time that six people can meet, and then inevitably one bails at the last minute after a bad night / teething / whatever, and then there’s the covid rules of how many people you can have round at once. And it’s harder to have a proper chat in a larger group.

If you want to do whole group meetups, arrange them and invite everyone. But it’s not obligatory.

Is this during covid/pandemic? I think because we were only allowed to meet 1:1 for a long time we've naturally split off into smaller groups, plus one person has just disappeared and another moved away. It hasn't been possible to do full groups most of the time. I'm now only really in touch with one person but she's in touch with a couple of others so we are starting to do some larger groups. To be honest I think it is reasonably natural that when you throw a group of strangers together, some will get on better than others or have more in common.