Third baby jealousy!

[user090909]

Hey

So I have two beautiful children -3 and 5
I work 5 days a week, and am currently interviewing for new jobs but realising that a) not sure I want to step up right now as I do manage a bit of flex to hang out with the kids here and there in the week and b) I think I may want one more
I'm 38...
we had a surprise pregnancy in January just after I had covid so badly and although I was more inclined to keep it, I was extremely worried about my health and ability to work again etc and my partner was very worried about money. And we decided to have an early termination
On the day of the termination I was in tears and unsure of whether I wanted to terminate but when I got to the clinic the scan showed it was very behind in weeks (I thought I was 8-9 and there was no heart beat yet, no fetal pole even)
I convinced myself that it wouldn't make it anyway and went through with the termination

Now it's a few months in, I'm getting through final stages of interview rounds and I can't help but think if I do this I can't really comfortably move as I'll have o hand my job over if I get pregnant for eg 6-12 months. And I get terrible morning sickness

I know I'm 80 pc sure I do want one, I'd be 100 pc if all the stars aligned and I knew we wouldn't have to worry about money or anything. But you can never know that I guess
But anyway, we have a week away with friends and the mother just announced she is pregnant with a third
And I'm really upset about it. She has 2 at private school (something we couldn't afford), a very luxurious life style and doesn't work. And she has a third on the way. And I'm really struggling with it
I promise I'm not normally jealous and I honestly know how terrible I sound - I don't like myself for saying this
I just wanted to reach out and feel I could tell someone
I regret having the termination. I wish I had t. I've not really stopped bleeding since (spotting still- and I only had the medical termination) so not even sure I could get pregnant
My partner won't talk about it and is furious I'm upset I'm going on holiday with the family now they're expecting their third
Please don't judge me

Ps I'm 38.5
So maybe running out of time or at least moving out the winDow that I would have had kids in

No judgement here OP. You’ve had a tough time.
Hopefully someone will be along with some advice but go easy on yourself. You need some time to grieve

No judgment from me either op. I had a miscarriage last week at 10 nearly 11 weeks, would of been DC4. Since lots of people have announced they're pregnant and I feel jealous too - my DH doesn't understand either, says I need t stop thinking like that otherwise I'll just resent loads of people.
On a more practical note have you done a pregnancy test since the termination or told anyone you're still bleeding. I was told to take one 3 weeks after I'd passed the baby and that bleeding should really stop after 2-3 weeks.

Thank you both for your kind words
And @groovychiick I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. I feel guilty as though I don't have the right because although it may not have been going the right way I also took the termination pill so why do I have the right to be sad and want to try again? Just went for a walk this morning my husband isn't talking to me as I blamed him for the termination last night which objectively I know is wrong but I feel furious that he wasn't on board. That he I said if you really must then have it and I'll get on board but it's 100 per cent up to you and I couldn't take that risk knowing that he wasn't wanting it - his initial response was we can't have this.
And then I worry that I'm not appreciating what I've got. And what if I lost my job or my career never recovered or something happened and then I had 3 little ones. All these thoughts that were there before when I decided to terminate are still there but, I still feel heartbroken and desperate at the thought of not having one more child
When people say they're "done" how do they know? I just don't have that feeling
I feel so sad

I'm back and its reared its head again... the jealousy monster!
I wanted to ask u all what I should do. My OH has said - its up to me if I want the third. And still I just DON'T KNOW if I want one.
My sister is pregnant with her 3rd and my best friend is pregnant with her 3rd. When they announced, I can hardly speak to them. I'm burying myself in work, not going out, and getting really upset and angry when we are in contact (over messaging only), and they're telling me how sick they feel. I know this is completely irrational, and I want to be supportive of them, but I'm also really confused with how I feel.
In my career I've been promoted to a new role in a new job, so I could stand to lose it if I go on maternity leave. I am coming up with ideas like: maybe I can go back to work after 3 months so we don't suffer financially etc. but that seems unfair to the baby when I went back much later with my other two, and also if the baby isn't sleeping I definitely couldn't do my job anyway with a 4 month old at home!
how do you know if a 3rd is right? and how much will it set me back?I'm 41 already, and my others are 6 and 4 so we are out of the dark ages/stages. any words of comfort would be so appreciated: I also keep reading about the menopause and thinking I may regret it if I don't try for a third at least. But I'm not sure I'm ready yet.

Try help from Rachael's Vineyard...