How can I get my toddler to behave in a restaurant?

[motherof1l]

Took my toddler who’s just turned one to a restaurant the other day. He was crying and irritable and because we were worried about disturbing other diners, me and DH ended up taking him for walks whilst the other one had lunch.

Just wondering where I’m going wrong as my friend has a baby of similar age who is perfectly well behaved in restaurants.

Friend said snacks are the key - is this the case?

I’m thinking screen time might be another option but don’t want to go down that route if I can help it.

Constant stream of snacks, toys, engaging with the baby in a jolly way whilst eating. Doesn't work for all babies but we never used screens, it was fine.

Owner of a boisterous 3yo here. Never take them hangry, order quickly, leave quickly. I always check the menu before I go so i know what we're having and I take a lunch box with food in for them to nibble at while waiting. We usually stick to family friendly chains where you know the food will come out relatively quickly and save the fancy places for when we can get a babysitter!

We go out to eat at least twice a weekend and for a coffee and toast/cake at least once a week so it's lots of practice too.

I remember taking my 2 out for a meal when they were toddlers.
One accidentally knocked a wine glass within minutes of arriving and it smashed and the other later had a huge tantrum. Some people asked to be moved.
We didnt go out to eat again for about 2 years!!
After that they were pretty well behaved in restaurants.

We took small toys, books etc. It’s very different. Order the food and keep them entertained in the 10 mins or so between ordering and food arriving. We would often order a starter of something simple so he could also start eating.
Then one of us would help him eat and try to eat. When he was done, the other person would take over and person 1 would finish dinner. In that time maybe take him out for a short walk.

But the key is to take something for him to do. Books. Small toys. A busy book.

Kids are 9 and 4 and we have managed to raise them without screens at restaurants and without massive tantrums (some meals out were of course easier than others). The key is to be prepared with stuff and abandon the idea that you and your partner will be able to chat!

Now they are 9 and 4 it is a lot easier of course.

And I have one placid child and one boisterous child. Both could manage no more than 45-60 mins at a restaurant at the very most at this age. So no long lazy Sunday lunches!

Generally, one of us goes in and orders everyone’s food while the other takes the toddlers for a bit of an explore. Then they’ll text when the food has arrived and by the time the other parent and toddlers have arrived, the food has cooled and ready to eat.
We do this less often now they’re 2 and 4. We can play games at the table with them instead, chat and we also take a few small toys/ activities like colouring in.
We’ve never done screen time because it looks too hard to ween them off the habit (I have friends with older children 8+ who still sit with a screen).

I’d pick your battles. If it turns into a military operation that no one enjoys, don’t do it. But generally what others have said - go early, go somewhere very casual, take something that occupies them. Can I also add my personal pet peeve - don’t order something for them that arrives to the table at nuclear temperatures so you and your child need to stare at it / blow frantically for 10 minutes while it cools down enough to eat.

DD1 is 3 and reasonably good in a restaurant under strict conditions:

No starters.
No interruption to usual sleep schedule.
Family friendly place.
Grandparents we don't see often, best distraction of all!
When little, don't put them in the highchair until the food arrives.

We don't do screens, hoping to avoid that as long as possible. We've still had plenty of trips walking around, especially at about 2. It's asking a lot of them.

Agree that sometime it’s just luck - my toddler was always placid and usually well-behaved when in restaurants, but it’s definitely a process to work up to being out for a whole meal. I’d personally start slow (short coffee trip or drink in a pub) and work up to longer meals. Toddlers need time and experience to learn what’s expected of them when out.

I’d also say:
-Toys, books, crayons, ect are essential
-Choose a time toddler is likely to be “ok” (not tired or too hungry)
-Small snacks while waiting for food to arrive
-Phone/iPad if things are getting hairy
-Be fully prepared to leave if the shit hits the fan, don’t spoil anyone’s else’s day. If this happens you need to explain to toddler why, and that if they don’t behave properly the trip
out will be cancelled and they’ll be taken home.

Saying all that, a one year old is too young for a lot of this. Just keep taking them out for short trips, expose them to lots of different environments and try not to worry. It’ll happen in good time.

He's very little. Timing is important. So you don't want to go when he's tired or overly hungry. You will probably need to give a lot of attention to him while waiting for the food. Pick something fairly quick to eat for the adults so that he's not waiting around for you to finish and getting bored as well. And familiarity/practice. If you do it often and he associates it with a nice time then he'll be calmer than if it's a new experience for him and he feels restricted/ignored.

We took DS2 to a wedding at about that age and I missed all of DH's best man speech because I had to take him for a walk around the hotel grounds!

Snacks are good but you need to be careful with the timing of them too because if he gets full up with snacks and the main meal arrives then he'll be bored of eating and not want to join in. Somewhere where the service is quick is always good as well. Start off with family friendly places and work up.

Agree with the quick in and out approach - unfortunately long leisurely lunches while you catch up with friends just won't be practical and not for a long time

The odd bit of a screen time doesn't mean he's going to become an addict...........

At that age we always went for family friendly or somewhere that had some outside space so the little one could toddle round outside while we waited for meals.

Expecting a 1yo to sit placidly for up to 30 mins with no snacks or toys is a bit daft

lower your expectations and don't compare your kid to your friend's.
there's nothing to prove here so stop with the pressure.

to be honest I would've left, it sounds like your child hated being there

@minipie

The key is having a placid baby/toddler who isn’t that bothered about movement.

IME you either have one or you don’t.

Snacks and toys help a little, but ultimately some toddlers are ok sitting for ages and some aren’t.

This!

All children are different. My niece was a dream baby/ toddler and would just sit there content not making a sound. My little girl on the other hand... no point comparing your child to others!

There isn’t really much you can do, especially at the baby stage. DD is almost 3 now and we still stick to child friendly places where we can take her somewhere to play or noise isn’t an issue. Sitting down to eat and waiting for food is pretty boring for small kids.

Screens work but I try to avoid it too. We went to a (child friendly) hotel recently and the amount of kids just sat on their tech during breakfast not interacting with the family made me a bit sad. I never want to be that family!

I coped by taking snacks and age appropriate little toys, sticker books etc and as they got older we moved on to top trumps. I’ve never allowed screens at the table. My 7 year old sat through 90 minute meals on a formal cruise by me whipping out top trumps between courses alternated with noughts and crosses games so even a little notebook and pencil works. We queued at theme parts with top trumps. I saw one parent eye me enviously as her two kicked off in the queue while mine played top trumps with me. She seemed to have brought nothing with her to distract them. Always take something small like that with you. But when they’re small keep the meal short. Grandparents can forget how hard it is to cope with a small child, I had words with DF when he made a comment about one of mine getting bored. I thought he’d been great given that the conversation had not included him at all… I very pointedly took him off to play outside. DB and SIL do the same with theirs- DF seemed surprised that 3 year olds couldn’t enjoy conversations about someone’s new car or their latest holiday.

I had a magic Mary poppins bag. Into this I put lots of distractions that could be produced every 10-15 minutes. This changed as he grew older into a snap shut flat box containing stickers and colouring and tiny quiet toys.

We were out from birth with all our children, they adapt well but need help to remain at a table in a relaxed way. Otherwise it's no fun for the adults!

you cant. They either do or they dont. Your best bet is to go without him or go when hes napping in the pushchair. You work your way up to being able to behave in a restairant, but dont set yourself up to fail by expecting it too soon.
Takeaways, picnics etc are probably more realistic

I don’t know any 1 year old who quietly sat down at the table for an hour or two. Your friends child is an exception.

I avoided restaurants at the toddler stage, but did occasionally have to use roadside cafes when on long journeys.
I remember one truck stop in Northumberland when the DDs were 1 and 2 years old. I had managed to collect the food and get DD1 to our table, only to find DD aged 2 was missing.
Panic struck, I ran round the corner of the L shaped dining room - and found DD solemnly stealing and eating chips off the plate of an 18 stone tattooed trucker, who was gazing at her in bemusement!
If you have to go to restaurants, ones full of other people’s much worse behaved toddlers (such as my DD!) are a good bet.
I also found restaurants with a safely enclosed play area or garden were helpful, as the toddlers can go there between courses instead of being bored and disruptive.

I genuinely don’t think you can ‘get’ them to behave! Sometimes you’ll be lucky and they’ll play ball but other times they will be a huge pain in the arse.
I don’t brave it that often but try and go to a family restaurant and go at a quiet time!

Home set up is key here. Sitting and eating some if not most of your meals as a family and praising them for good behaviour during them helps a lot. Drawing is often a winner for the kids if there are long waits for food too.
We have 5 kids and another due Aug, they know if they misbehave when we eat out they will not be rewarded with puddings or play after so they rarely step out of line.

We stopped eating out with our twins from about 1-2.5ish with the odd exception. Too stressful and ended up paying a large bill having sat eating on your own whilst the other took them outside. No point. Put them to bed and get a takeaway.

He's just bored. He is essentially being asked to sit and do absolutely nothing for an hour or more. Bring a few toys or books or don't bring him to restaurants.

Practice sitting nicely at home.

Have some small/portable/wipeable high value toys or snacks that are kept especially for when eating out. ds had a little going out bag of small dinosaurs or animals and we swapped out which ones he took.

To begin with you will probably need to spend the whole time playing with him, slowly letting him play by himself but watching carefully if he is starting to get bored and needs entertained again.

When ds was a bit older we told him it wasn't safe for little children to walk about the restaurant because of all the hot food the waiters were carrying and the restaurant boss wouldn't like it.

Give up and wait until he is older and more likely to be entertained by above. I wouldn't keep going and keep taking him walks as he will then think it is normal and expect it, which will be no fun for either of you.

I’m wondering if your definition of “good” is flexible enough?

Mine have always been good in restaurants imo. Dd was a placid baby, content to sit and watch. The kind of baby that caused several of my friends to have one 😂. Ds was more interactive so he needed things to fidget and play with, so we would go off peak, ask for a bigger table so we could move things out of reach or let him practice pouring from one little jug to another, let him feed himself (and clean up after him). We often ate in relay, cuddling/feeding/rocking the baby in turns, and it was one course not three for a long, long while. As they got older we would bring small toys (jigsaw, car, pages torn out of where’s Wally type books) for the long wait after ordering, and older again I’d bring notebooks and crayons.

We definitely don’t have the same expectations that we would have if it were just adults. But even at home, mealtimes are for sitting in your chair and you come to the table for a chat at dinner time whether you want to eat the dinner or not.

Obviously crying is a problem - that might be down to being over tired/hungry/ over stimulated/bored. I think one of the knacks of having publicly well behaved dc is to revolve around their needs, but not around their whims.

That all sounds terribly smug, but one of dc struggles to cope with (wider) family dinners, and I have to feed him before going to relative’s because he won’t eat well at the table. Even though he’s fine with restaurants. Sometimes you can do all the right things and it just doesn’t pan out. It often comes down to the kind of dc you get, rather than the kind of parent you are.