5 week old baby and 2y4m year old - I'm tired and exhausted.

[gemloving]

Please tell me it gets easier? Toddler does go to nursery 2 days a week but I still struggle. Everyone is telling me how well I'm doing but the house is a mess, I have 5 freezer meals left (I made about 30-35 when pregnant), the toddler activities are not exciting and I feel like i am neglecting everyone including myself, I'm now thinking about sending the toddler 4x a week but feel like a total failure. Baby is actually quite chill, often wants to be held but manageable and wakes twice in the night (also manageable) but I'm still so knackered. I have no support with breastfeeding so exclusively expressing but it's only 3x a day and I get 800-900ml which is good but time consuming.

Hubby is hands on and great but I feel like even at the weekend, it's two of us and still stressful. We snapped at each other and argued more in the past 5 weeks than we have in past 5 years.

Does it get easier? I'm just tired.

Just looking at the title and I can tell you I’m in the same boat. I have a 18 month old and a 4 week old, toddler is at the tantrum stage and expresses her feelings by screaming and crying and whinging all the time 😩
4 week old wakes up every 2hrs at night for feed..... fml. Also very unhappy unless I’m holding him up, won’t lay down happily.
I feel the same as you, just knackered.

Have any toddler groups reopened near you? I survived this stage by going out every morning, wearing the toddler out then coming back and hoping they’d both nap at the same time.

I want to be the bearer of good news. Similar age gap (2 years and 2 months) and I found the newborn/baby stage is much easier than when the younger started walking.

But that's me and everyone is different. My partner spent some time with us as we were in lockdown so he put the dishwasher on and the washing machine and hung out the washing once a day whilst i did everything else. Which in terms of keeping the house clean was/is minimal. I've decided that's the way to survive. House is clean enough and I tolerate some mess. My current 3 year old started nursery when I went back to work. Being back at work is easier than being atbhome 24/7 probably

Oh and the exclusively by feeding. That sounds very difficult. I don't think I could have done that. Could you do something about that for your sanity?

If you can afford to, ramp up nursery days
If you can’t afford to do that then I’d drop the expressing. Exclusive expressing for a baby with a toddler to look after as well is too much for anyone IMO.

Meant the pumping @minipie too. Exclusively expressing, not b feeding- too much wine?

It gets so much easier OP- very tiring in the early days but hang on in there. Plus as they get older it’s so worth it for the fab age gap, little playmates forever ☺️.

Following with interest as I’m in the same boat!
2 and a half year old and a 14 week old and it’s hard work!

@AyyX I feel like your age gap is even harder given the 18 months old toddler would need even more attention than mine. The nights are ok but baby didn't go down until 10 and I just need that hour or two baby free time in the evening so was up until 12, hubby did the 1:30am feed and I've just fed him (I exclusively express). He's got silent reflux so keeping him up and on here.

@Sunshine1235 some of them have, I braved it to the playground once. My baby isn't happy in the sling or carrier yet, just pushes back whereas DS1 lived in the sling. I need to be braver, we do spend a lot of time in the garden as the weather is beautiful.

@Opalfeet my husband is super hands on and does the washing, I fold all the washing as I like it all organises (got a big pile downstairs to fold). I work 4 days a week usually when not on maternity leave, so once the baby is walking, I'll probably be back at work. I'm off for 9 months and my husband is then off for 3 months. We split it 50/50 with our first.

@minipie we can afford it but mum guilt kicks in but husband has mentioned it several times and that's probably what we'll be doing. He loves going to be honest and to keep us all happy and sane that might be the best option. I breastfed DS1 for 14 months and it was so easy. My second now and I wasn't worried about BF one bit but he just doesn't drink well, lost lots of weight even though I have a lot of milk, and never took to it + the feeding support and postnatal care in my borough is awful due to COVID. It was brilliant before - anyway, it's guilt. I would feel guilty to feed him anything but breastmilk, so here I am, hooked up to the pumps 3x a day. I schedule it at 06:30am when the babies are sleeping, then at 2 (both are sleeping most of the time or hubby can take baby if required) & then the late night one. It's ok for now, who knows how long I'll keep that up.

I believe once we have a Routine where both go to sleep at around 07:30, I will be able to deal with it all a lot better but baby having his awake phase from 7-9:30 at the moment is tough because that's when the first one goes down, the heat isn't helping. I have actually upset my toddler by getting angry. I don't think he's ever seen that side of me and seeing his face crumple is the worst, I tell him mummy is stressed and tired and that I'm sorry. He's actually such a good/happy little boy, it's just my own shortcomings that turn me into this person that I don't want to be right now :( ugh the guilt is unreal.

@30littletoes my mother actually said to me: I told you the age gap is too small. It's easier having w 4 year old and a baby which didn't help but I always thought: they'll be besties hopefully (no guarantees I know) x

@Purplesparkle34 at least we're not alone in this - sending lots of love xx

Yeah it definitely is hard, and since she’s so clingy to me, I thought she would be really jealous when her brother got home but she was sooo good and didn’t get jealous one bit. She loves him so much more now too, always kissing and touching him, tries to hold and pick him up 😂
She throws tantrums when we don’t let her touch him (because she’s too rough)
Night time is a nightmare for me though. She has a habit of touching my belly when she’s tired/trying to go to sleep. So I’m here holding my son trying to feed or settle him and right next to me is my toddler trying to rub my belly and crying because she’s tired.
Then when they both cry at the same time it stresses me out 😩

I actually don’t know how people with kids close in age do it, especially without any help! It would drive me crazy, it already stresses me out at times.

It is really hard and it does get easier. 5 weeks in is still really early days. I found that keeping things simple helped. A handful of simple meals on rotation, back garden activities for the toddler. As your baby gets older and starts reacting to your older child it will get better. But until then, extra childcare or a mother's helper etc so you can catch up on some rest is a good idea.

I had the same age gap. Zero family help. I upped DC1 nursery to three days a week, stopped bf which led to us all sleeping better, struggled on to four months and then put DC2 in nursery pt and went back to work earlier than planned. I wasn't prepared to dread every day and wish the weeks away.
Felt 1000% better mentally which outweighed any mum guilt.
Now 18 and 16 and never a single regret.

I am a long term SAHM and had a 3 year age gap, Ds1 went to a private nursery 1 day a week anyway and we upped him to 2 days when Ds2 was born for 3 months before he started pre-school nursery then he went 5 mornings a week.

Stop feeling bad about it, parenting 2 children is harder than just one, ignore your Mother's unkind remarks. Ds2 also had severe reflux and I too did the milk pumping eventually just quitting because then Dh could feed him more than just the pumped milk plus he ended up on prescription formula for the reflux so it was an easy decision.

You do what is right for you and if you can you throw money at it. If that means sending your child to nursery 4 days a week then do it. You said yourself he loves it there so why are you worried?

If you can get anyone to prepare you freezer meals or bring you some meals then rope them in. I would happily do this for a friend. It does pass, my children are now 18 and 15 years old.

If you can afford to up nursery days, I would do it op.
Your DC will only benefit from it and of course you yourself will aswell.
Take care

Honestly, no, I don't think it does, not for a couple of years. And there are times (like when the younger one becomes mobile) that it becomes much, much more difficult. But, at the same time, you will get more used to it, and better at it, so will find it easier to manage a lot of the time.

Can you afford to pay for a lactation consultant? They are liek the gold standard in breastfeeding support (and cheaper than formula) I'd go straight to that as the expressing sounds draining.

I send my toddler to nursery everyday 9-3, absolutely everyone I know does this. I have no guilt, the baby also deserves 1-1 time with me and toddler loves the nursery .

I have a 2.5yo and a 7mo. My DS was in nursery 2 short days a week but after 3 months I was so exhausted that I’ve put him in 3 full days. I did feel guilty but he enjoys it there and it gives me a bit more time to relax. In some ways it’s getting easier but in other ways I’m finding it hard as my DD is a poor sleeper and is now so frustrated as she wants to be on the move so I’m finding that quite draining. I knew going from 1 to 2 would be tricky but I’ve found it harder than I thought I would. I spend a lot of my time repeating ‘it’s just a phase’.
In a couple of years this will all be a distant memory but it’s bloody relentless isn’t it.

I feel you OP, I've got a 3 year old and a 3 week old, DS does 3 days in nursery but I'm still knackered! Just wanted to say that for DS breastfeeding didn't work out and I felt the same as you so ended up exclusively expressing for a year, pumping 8 times a day as that's what LLL told me I needed to do to maintain and build supply. I was glad I was doing it for my son, but being very honest I hated it and in some ways wish I'd not been as stubborn about it all. This aspect of your situation alone can be ridiculously stressful so please try and show yourself some kindness and compassion. You're doing brilliantly, balancing two kids' needs is a full time job before you try and factor in your own needs! The washing can definitely wait, it's still early days at 5 weeks xx

I think the previous idea to pay a lactation consultant, is a good one. Also, have you considered tongue tie?

@AyyX same here, I was very worried but he's good, just not always gentle. When someone tells me they're a single mum, I'm like: superwoman!!!

I'm in bed and my eyes are so heavy, I'm practically falling asleep, so will respond to the other messages tomorrow x