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Narcissistic ex emotionally manipulating child

3 replies

CrispMonster12 · 06/06/2021 04:12

I’m looking for some advice from others who have been/are in the same position. I have a 5yo son who visits his dad one night per week. His father has a narcissistic personality and I suffered emotional abuse from him- I attempted co-parenting with him when we split up, but this was impossible as he would use any way possible to upset me. His motivation is not for our child to be happy or secure - his own interests and his need to be the ‘winner’ of our child’s affections is always the priority. So I now parallel parent- My mum does handovers when my son visits his dad and I keep all contact with him business like/minimal. This is to prevent my child having to witness his father being emotionally abusive towards me and to help preserve my own mental health. I really try not to bad mouth my ex in front of my child and have a secure and loving home with boundaries. I have to hope that this is enough to help my son develop into an emotionally secure adult and that one day, he will work out himself what his father is really like. My child is happy to visit his dad and loves him. However; my ex tries to emotionally manipulate my son- he will say that daddy gets upset when he leaves. I know my son feels responsible for his dad’s ‘happiness’ already. What do I do about this? I don’t know what to say to my son. His dad has no problem telling my son things to try and knock his security about his home life with me. I have another partner who is kind and loving - my ex tells our son that my partner isn’t part of our family; which really bothered my son. I bought my son some nice books about different types of family and tell him that love makes a family etc. My ex has always said that one day my son will want to live with him and is already trying to manipulate him in this direction. He doesn’t care for my son well at all- no boundaries, poor hygiene, questionable safety (eg my son says daddy let’s him sit in the front seat of the car without a car seat when they drive to the local park etc etc). It’s hard.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 06/06/2021 04:50

It sounds like you are dealing with a tricky situation quite well. But I would make sure your realises that children cannot look after adults or be responsible for their happiness. Adults look after children, not the other way round.

CrispMonster12 · 06/06/2021 07:12

Thanks @Coyoacan that is a great way of wording it.

OP posts:
Fairy45 · 06/06/2021 22:41

I've had to have a similar conversation with my 6yo daughter today. Her dad emotionally manipulates her and also has narcissistic pd. I could have pretty much written your op. She was really upset that she had upset him and I had to tell that he's the grown up and she's the child and that grown ups should know how to deal with their own emotions and that it should be him worrying about upsetting her and caring for her feelings. I had a conversation with him later into the evening explaining to him that she was upset but in his usual fashion he does not believe he has done anything wrong and will not change the way he speaks to her. Sounds like you are doing really well though and your son clearly thinks a lot of your new partner if the comments from his dad upset him. Sending love to you because it is not easy!!!

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