Breastfeeding? More like stressed-feeding!

[HopeWish]

Good morning ladies,

I love breastfeeding. I love knowing that my body is producing nutrition for my little baby girl and I love the bonding time. However it has been a very rocky road and the number of times I’ve broken down crying over it or stayed awake late into the night thinking about it is far often than I’d like to admit.

I won’t bore you with the details but in short: Baby refused right breast leading to me only able to feed her from left breast; leading on to poor weight gain; stressing me out so much I introduced formula feeds twice a day which has helped with weight gain but caused a slight bottle preference.

I now happily combi feed and love giving her boob and bottle, but every time she has a fussy breast feed or doesn’t seem to drink for very long at breast I have a major freak out and feel like I should just make the full switch to formula.

I spend ages thinking about it - it totally consumes my thoughts. Is she getting enough milk? Is she happy? Am I doing the right thing or am I slowly starving her?

She’s meeting all her milestones, seems content and is gaining weight (although is still small). Nevertheless there is this constant worry that breastfeeding isn’t working.

I’m not asking for help with it. I don’t want to go see a lactation consultant or go to a breastfeeding clinic. I don’t have the time or energy to try and get her to feed from the right boob again - I’ve tried. I just worry constantly and quite irrationally that she isn’t getting enough from me.

I know that switching to formula would give me so much relief. I find bottle feeds so much less stressful than breast feeding. But when I consider switching to formula I feel grief for the end of breastfeeding.

Anybody else been through the same thing?

You said it perfectly in your own post, breastfeeding is more than just calories. Your baby is growing and healthy. Mixed feeding is a good option but if the anxiety around this is proving too much, then use formula. Your baby will be fine either way.

@HopeWish i was having all the same feelings and worries about making the switch to formula but the pressure on me to breastfeed was really really overwhelming. I felt SO guilty though, i was crying watching him take a bottle, crying with the pressure of breastfeeding, crying because i felt like i had failed making the switch, i could go on. I'm now combi feeding and slowly cutting down the night breastfeeds and i have to say my guilt is decreasing now i see that he is content on the bottle (which took a while). I feel so much more content myself and can see that he is just as content on a bottle now, so much so i think he struggles with the switch to breast at night! You do what is right for you

I had a similarly fraught breastfeeding experience. Like you, I added some formula top ups and then berated myself constantly for her slow weight gain, whether my milk would dry up because of the formula, whether every cry was hunger. It was honestly one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Reading your post you have an advantage over me in that you are not irrationally anti formula in the way I was. I felt like every bottle was my failure (which I now see was completely ludicrous). Combi feeding is an excellent solution. Give her breast, offer her bottle or vice versa and she'll tell you what she needs. I also wonder how old your LO is. 6 months and beginning to wean came round way faster than I would have guessed when I was in the depths of breastfeeding despair. For my DD pretty much as soon as she started weaning she turned her nose up to the formula (and had only been having one top up in 24 hrs for a while by that point) so I had my answer. She was getting exactly what she wanted and was just meant to be on the smaller side. My other reflection having now stopped breastfeeding when she was 16/17 months is that within a week of stopping a great fug lifted off me. I hadn't been worried about breastfeeding for probably 9 months by that point so it wasn't that- I think genuinely the breastfeeding hormones just didn't agree with me. Perhaps you are the same?

I breastfed my second child solely from left breast (he just wouldn't even consider the right) for nearly 3 years. His weight etc was fine so please don't worry about that, your baby will get what she needs.
Nobody can tell you whether you should fully switch to formula or not. What we can tell from your post is that you're a loving mum so whatever feeding choice you make your daughter will thrive.

@HopeWish Thank you so much for your post. Although our experiences are slightly different I feel like you have expressed my feelings perfectly. My son is only 13 days old and I have been in tears every day about the breast feeding, including breaking down in front of the health visitor about it (poor woman).
I was advised to give formula top ups due to significant weight loss and now I feel so trapped in it. The problem is he seems to settle so well after them that I find myself reaching breaking point and saying to my husband ‘just give him a bottle then’ and then sobbing watching him lap it up. But then on the other hand I wonder how long this can go on for - especially once my husband goes back to work and I wonder whether just going to fully formula fed would be easier and better for my own mental health.
I completely agree that it’s like a grieving process, particularly as I also had to have an emergency c section after really wanting to try for a pain-relief free natural birth using hypnobirthing. So not only do I feel robbed of the birth that I had hoped for, but also robbed of the ability to fully breast feed, and enjoy it.
Again, not asking for solutions, but wanted to share as knowing that I’m not the only one feeling like this is a huge help! Sending huge love to everyone struggling!